I suppose there’s no easy way to say this – I had an affair. It wasn’t a particularly spectacular affair as these things go, but it was nonetheless an affair. For a period of a few months, I had both an emotional and physical affair with a woman not my wife.
Trust me when I say, it doesn’t matter a whole hell of a lot to your spouse whether it was a one-night stand, a week, a month, a year, or a decade. You betrayed them. Trust was broken. You were an asshole. There’s no excuse. How could you?
Well, the how is actually pretty easy, and I’m not talking logistics, physics, or biology. I befriended a woman I shouldn’t have had anything to do with. We knew each other through work and she was persistent in trying to befriend me. She was feeling lonely and unfulfilled, and she reached out to me. I’ll never know for sure if she was just looking for a friend or wanted something more from the beginning. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
I on the other hand was the island. No one touched me, and increasingly I touched no one. It wasn’t particularly fulfilling, but I learned in my childhood that to be other than the island, or to be other than the man behind his walls, was pain. Cruel, debilitating, humiliating pain. So I put up the walls and built them high, and retreated into music or games or whatever else would keep me occupied and distracted. Happiness and true companionship, I’d decided, were not for me.
The problem was, I was attracted to this woman – let’s call her Scarlet. She had more than just her beauty to recommend her. I enjoyed the attention and little by little I allowed her in. In a sick and twisted way, I was finding happiness and companionship with a total stranger.
I should probably add that I have a way with women. It’s not a boast, it’s just part of who I am that I want to make women happy and I have a knack for it, at least superficially. Even though I’m not much to look at, some women find me attractive emotionally. I think my curse is that, sitting behind my walls, showing concern and interest but giving nothing of myself, I’m a blank canvas that women can paint with whatever they want. Some women just find me attractive once they get to know me.
So I was attracted to Scarlet and she was attracted to me. We gave each other the attention we craved. It’s so clear now that the danger was getting to know her and becoming emotionally intimate. Once that happened, I quickly found myself in love with her and with the attention she was now showing me, too.
There’s a certain type of woman, and Scarlet was one of them, who becomes very physically attracted to a man who treats her well. And I treated her like she was a girl I was trying to woo. It’s hard to say what I was thinking, but I do remember the more she responded, the more I did to make her attracted and in love with me. Having someone feel that way towards you is like a drug and I was addicted.
Things quickly spiraled out of control over the course of just a few days. Eventually the inevitable happened and our relationship became physical. I’ll spare the reader the steamy details, but we had a physical relationship for a couple of months before everything came crashing down.
We were caught and there was no way out of it. We ended it. It was excruciating to give each other up so suddenly, but that’s what we did. To do otherwise was to destroy my family and hers.
And that’s how one of the most exciting and exhilarating times of my life overnight became the source of the greatest pain and suffering my wife and I have even known. If you are thinking about having an affair or even if you think it could never happen to you, just don’t even start down that road. Those few months, even if they had turned into years, were not worth it. Not even close.