How I ruined my life

I suppose there’s no easy way to say this – I had an affair. It wasn’t a particularly spectacular affair as these things go, but it was nonetheless an affair. For a period of a few months, I had both an emotional and physical affair with a woman not my wife.

Trust me when I say, it doesn’t matter a whole hell of a lot to your spouse whether it was a one-night stand, a week, a month, a year, or a decade. You betrayed them. Trust was broken. You were an asshole. There’s no excuse. How could you?

Well, the how is actually pretty easy, and I’m not talking logistics, physics, or biology. I befriended a woman I shouldn’t have had anything to do with. We knew each other through work and she was persistent in trying to befriend me. She was feeling lonely and unfulfilled, and she reached out to me. I’ll never know for sure if she was just looking for a friend or wanted something more from the beginning. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

I on the other hand was the island. No one touched me, and increasingly I touched no one. It wasn’t particularly fulfilling, but I learned in my childhood that to be other than the island, or to be other than the man behind his walls, was pain. Cruel, debilitating, humiliating pain. So I put up the walls and built them high, and retreated into music or games or whatever else would keep me occupied and distracted. Happiness and true companionship, I’d decided, were not for me.

The problem was, I was attracted to this woman – let’s call her Scarlet. She had more than just her beauty to recommend her. I enjoyed the attention and little by little I allowed her in. In a sick and twisted way, I was finding happiness and companionship with a total stranger.

I should probably add that I have a way with women. It’s not a boast, it’s just part of who I am that I want to make women happy and I have a knack for it, at least superficially. Even though I’m not much to look at, some women find me attractive emotionally. I think my curse is that, sitting behind my walls, showing concern and interest but giving nothing of myself, I’m a blank canvas that women can paint with whatever they want. Some women just find me attractive once they get to know me.

So I was attracted to Scarlet and she was attracted to me.  We gave each other the attention we craved. It’s so clear now that the danger was getting to know her and becoming emotionally intimate. Once that happened, I quickly found myself in love with her and with the attention she was now showing me, too. 

There’s a certain type of woman, and Scarlet was one of them, who becomes very physically attracted to a man who treats her well. And I treated her like she was a girl I was trying to woo. It’s hard to say what I was thinking, but I do remember the more she responded, the more I did to make her attracted and in love with me. Having someone feel that way towards you is like a drug and I was addicted. 

Things quickly spiraled out of control over the course of just a few days. Eventually the inevitable happened and our relationship became physical. I’ll spare the reader the steamy details, but we had a physical relationship for a couple of months before everything came crashing down.

We were caught and there was no way out of it. We ended it. It was excruciating to give each other up so suddenly, but that’s what we did. To do otherwise was to destroy my family and hers.

And that’s how one of the most exciting and exhilarating times of my life overnight became the source of the greatest pain and suffering my wife and I have even known. If you are thinking about having an affair or even if you think it could never happen to you, just don’t even start down that road. Those few months, even if they had turned into years, were not worth it. Not even close.

Advertisements

About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in The affair and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to How I ruined my life

  1. pabloswife says:

    Ws it really that exciting and exhilarating?? Did you think of your wife when you were cheating? How is you wife doing??

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Yes, it was exciting and exhilarating. But it was also gut wrenching because I still loved my wife then and now. It may seem like a flimsy excuse, but I felt trapped. I hated what I was doing to my wife, but I couldn’t bear to leave the other woman I loved. My wife is surviving. There are obviously trust issues that we continue to work through. She hates remembering what happened more than I do and even after a year it’s never far from either of our minds. We are committed to each other, though, and we’re making new memories – happy memories – to push down the old bad ones.

      Like

  2. chely5150 says:

    Sounds like a narcissistic player to me. PLAY WITH WOMEN (even unconsciously) for own benefit. Your ego has been stroked to live another day.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      I’ve never thought of myself as a player. Maybe I’m just arguing semantics, but players generally string a lot of women along but Scarlet is the only one. As to whether I’m clinically narcissistic – no, not really. I’ve certainly been very self-centered at times, but I’ve also been very selfless at other times. Yes, I used Scarlet and she used me. That’s the nature of an affair, no matter what the causes or the emotional nature of it. We both sought each other out to have our egos stroked and it went much farther than that. But as much as my ego was stroked, it was only to crater even further as everything fell apart. It sure doesn’t feel stroked now.

      Like

      • chely5150 says:

        At least you recognize that fact. Sorry if I was allowing some of my pain to seep into the comments I’ve made. I try not to do that. Even those who have cheated deserve humanly respect when sharing their feelings. It seems you are doing what you can to rectify your wrong, even though some it is difficult. If you keep trying, as it seems you are, you and your wife should be able to achieve improvement and a fulfilling marriage for you both.

        Like

        • Anonyman says:

          Don’t worry about it. The affair contaminates everything and I have seen firsthand the pain of the betrayed spouse.
          I’m just trying to be honest with myself and with my wife (as well as my readers). I know my posts may come across as insensitive at times, especially how I felt before the recovery started, but I can’t repent if I’m not honest with how I was feeling then.
          I appreciate your comments. I’m so sorry you’re going through it, too.

          Like

  3. I identify with everything you have said. Both from being betrayed…and eventually being the betrayer myself. I had such disdain for my husband for years after learning of his affair. Always pointing to “poor me, I was the one that got screwed over by you.”. That contempt surely changed once I did it myself (something I never thought I was capable of, nor desired ever in my life). Throughout my affair, I found myself having way more compassion for my husband knowing the turmoil you feel when in one….the addicting qualities that play a huge part in driving the illicit relationship further along…and the pain in their eyes when confessing what you have done. I get it…completely.

    So I guess the million dollar question is, can you ever rid yourself of the memories of your affair partner? And if so, what is the formula and timeframe for doing so?

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      I don’t know that you can rid yourself of the memories completely, but I do believe you can get to a place where it’s not something you think about all the time. I’m still working on it, but looking back I can see that since cutting off contact I have thought of her less and less each day. When I do think of her, it’s not the intense longing to see her again that I used to have. Now it’s “I hope I don’t run into her here” or occasionally “I wonder what she’s doing?” and not “I don’t think I can go another day without something from her.” Now I can think about going the rest of my life without ever seeing her again and find it (mostly) a good thing and not a cruel deprivation.
      So what’s the formula? No contact helps. Not sitting around thinking about her or wishing I could see her, and when those moments inevitably come, turning away and finding something else to think about. For me, I had to stop listening to certain songs that for various reasons reminded me of her.
      How long it takes, I would imagine, depends on the person and the depth of the affair. One book I read says 3-6 months of no contact usually gets you past the worst of it. I’ve taken a bit longer because I had a few self-indulgent slip-ups. (Do your heart a favor – don’t have any slip-ups.)
      I feel for you. I don’t know what it’s like to be betrayed by my wife, but I’ve seen the pain in her. And obviously I know what it’s like to be the one who thought they could never do something so hurtful, so stupid, only to realize you aren’t the person you thought you were. I hope you and your husband can work it out.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I read your post about music and how you play it when sad. I do the same thing. Sometimes, I can’t listen to a certain album because I used to listen to it when CEO were together. So it reminds me of the turmoil I was in with him. But there is one song that I listen to all the time. It’s about letting go, so in some ways it’s cathartic but in other ways, it’s like putting to words the sadness I feel since that relationship ended.

    Yes, being busy is my formula for lessening the memories of my AP. And no contact has been established now for over two months (feels a lot longer). But my emotions run deep and I gave him a piece of my heart. I worry that no matter how much time ever passes, I will still think of him from time to time like a scar you might see on your body somewhere. And then that reminder trickles you back into some rabbit hole again (albeit not as long, not as intense, not as all consuming etc.).

    I have a feeling that affairs aren’t something you ever rid yourself of. On your death bed, you will probably still be carrying that guilt or remembrance of your time together. I think that is the biggest hidden surprise about affairs.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Music is a double-edged sword. It can help or hurt. If you don’t mind my asking, what is the song you listen to? Don’t worry, I won’t judge. Most of what I listen to would be considered garbage by my readers.

      I know what you mean about time slowing down. Time takes on different meaning with an affair. Two months after d-day seemed like a year to both my wife and me. The time before the affair seems like a lifetime ago, even though it was only 18 months ago and externally not much has changed. I seem like I was a different person then.

      For me it was a surprise to learn that affair recovery is a grieving process. You grieve for your marriage, you grieve for your spouse, you grieve for yourself, and as the one involved in the affair you grieve for the loss of the AP and the relationship. And that’s okay. Recognizing it was wrong and missing it are not mutually exclusive – we rarely feel all one way or another about anything of importance.

      But like grieving for a dead relative, I don’t think it’s something you ever fully get over. There will probably always be some small part of you that misses him, you will probably always feel the sting of loss and guilt when you think of it. However, it becomes part of who you are and in time you should come to accept it. As life goes on, you’ll gain perspective on it and while it may still sting, it shouldn’t be a big black cloud hanging over you every moment of every day. In other words, it does get better if you let it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Andy says:

        Everything you’ve said on here is 100% on the money. I’ve just had my affair ended by the other woman who has realised I will probably never leave my wife and kids and has moved on to another (single) guy. Knowing she is now his girl, and that she doesn’t pine for me rips me in half. I am trying to live normal life like nothing is wrong whilst hiding my absolute heartbreak. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over these feelings. Even if I leave my wife now, I dont know if I could trust this girl as she seems to have emotionally detached herself from me so easily. I think I need to leave my wife (and kids, that kills me) and be single. I dont want to get to my deathbed without that kind of intense love for my partner, but I won’t ever have it for my kids. Life can be so horrible.. I wish love didn’t exist.

        Like

  5. I’m warning you not to listen to this album because it is filled with longing and deep undertones of being in someone else’s arms. So fair warning :-). Although the gossip tabloids said Gwyneth Paltrow was cheating on her husband, if you ever listen to the album, I personally feel her husband likely cheated on her as well. I can’t believe he could be so on the mark with his lyrics if he hadn’t been in those shoes. Just my take after listening to this album so many times. The album is Coldplay’s newest, Ghost Stories which is ironic because I feel haunted by CEO and the memories of him, his words, his emails, our times together.

    I heard Magic first which is what propelled me to buy the album. I identified so much with the song. Our time was always magical and I told him this several times. But privately, I felt discombobulated juggling my two lives, kids, the whole shebang. I literally felt broken after learning my husband cheated on me. And I literally felt split into two while having a relationship with him and my husband at the same time (so not good for ones soul or sanity, let alone the moral issues etc.)

    Call it magic
    Call it true
    Call it magic
    When I’m with you
    And I just got broken
    Broken into two
    Still I call it magic
    When I’m next to you

    The song that is the most heartfelt though is Fly On….for several reasons: me letting go, recognizing that people come into your life and leave just as quickly. Their imprint forever marred on your heart. And also like most affairs, at some point, you thought, “what if” “what if we were together?”….”what if things don’t work out in my marriage, would this be someone I would want to fly through life with, be my partner in crime?”….anyways, deep stuff!!! Without further ado, here are a few lyrics from Fly On:

    A flock of birds, hovering above, just a flock of birds, that’s how you think of love…
    ….one minute they arrive, next you know they’re gone, Fly On
    So fly on, ride through. Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you. Fly on, ride through. Maybe one day I can fly with you….Fly on.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s