I wrote the following a few weeks ago, but didn’t publish it. Everything I said is true, and while I wasn’t suicidal when I wrote it, I was pretty down that day. I’m better now. Getting a good night’s sleep and being around loved ones can do wonders for your outlook on life. Anyway, I decided to post this anyway because I think it’s an important part of the picture of the last year. If this speaks to you and where you are, remember that your view of reality is probably as skewed as mine was when I wrote this.
As Tolkien said, there are some wounds that never heal, some hurts just run too deep.
I have never wanted to kill myself more than I have this last year. It’s not constant, but it’s never THAT far from the surface.
There have been times when I’ve sat down and written a suicide note. Even after I didn’t go through with it, I kept it with me in case something happened and I needed to do it quickly.
I have been alone in a car and accelerated to 110 mph and aimed the car at a highway overpass support.
I have spent days on end going over and over different ways to strangle or stab or shoot or poison or cut or drown or burn or crash or fall to my death.
I probably should have been committed because it is only by the grace of God that I didn’t kill myself on dozens of occasions. I might still do it, for all I know. There are times when it comes upon me without warning and even though I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to go on living either.
For the most part, all anyone sees is my walls – my passive face and my carefully calculated response to social situations. They don’t realize what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking and planning.
You see, when I’m in that dark place, I don’t want to be saved. I just want to go.
The jury is still out on me. I think I’m going to make it, but I’ll never be the same. I wish every day that I could just forget Scarlet and all the things I did during that time. These are scars, invisible but very real, that I will carry for the rest of my life. Do you know what the worst part is? I’ve inflicted these same wounds on my wife.