Idle Thoughts Are Also the Devil’s Playthings

So I posted earlier about how I can turn on a dime emotionally. Yeah… maybe reading other blogs about adultery wasn’t such a good use of my time.

This just hurts. All of it. I can’t think about what happened – what I did – without it just hurting. It’s unrelenting, it’s not getting easier, I don’t seem to be getting better. I just don’t know if I can live like this, with who I am and what I’ve done. The only way I can function is to not think about it, but it’s always there just beneath the surface – this crushing, overwhelming shame  and guilt and hatred of myself, always ready to drag me down.

I desperately want this to be at least partly someone else’s fault. I want someone else to share the blame. Maybe I’m not alone in this wish. It’s probably common among cheaters and often times there probably is enough blame to go around. But when I read articles like this one, I think “My wife didn’t do any of those things. Even after the revelation, she’s been a saint. I was just a selfish asshole, the same as I’ve always been beneath the surface.”

I desperately want something to be wrong with me. Yes, I have serious trust issues. Like many of the men who cheated I’ve seen mentioned on other blogs, I have struggled with depression off and on since my teens. I have even wondered in the past if I’m going crazy. Who knows, maybe I am a bit off, but it’s all bullshit excuses.

The thing is: I want to die. I don’t think I can go on with this unresolved guilt and pain for the rest of my life. I can’t keep living behind my walls and pretending to want to live, when inside I’m already emotionally dead and all that’s left is pain. TV shows and music and Twitter and games are only distractions and when they cease to distract it’s just me, and I hate me. Something has to change.

Don’t worry, though. There is a difference between wanting to die and planning to bring it about. I’ve done the latter, so I know the difference. I’m not there, and if history is any guide, I’ll be distracted or amused by something soon enough and I can stop gazing into the blackness of my soul. It might not be much of a way to live, but it hasn’t killed me yet.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Suicide, The affair and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Idle Thoughts Are Also the Devil’s Playthings

  1. Let go says:

    Why aren’t you in therapy?

    Like

  2. Let go says:

    Are you staying with your wife because you want to or because the ow went back to her husband? Do you think a marriage between the two of you could have worked in the long term? After the “new” wore off would you miss your current wife? If you are never going to get past this how fair is it to your wife to pretend? I would be so hurt, and insulted, if I thought I was getting leftovers. Just wondering.

    Like

    • Anonynman says:

      Yes, I want to stay with my wife. The OW wanted to keep going, but I put a stop to it. Whether it would have worked long term, I don’t think so, but it doesn’t matter. I have plenty of regrets as it is, without losing the mother of my children. No, I want to be with my wife and I want to make it work. She has forgiven me, but I think the problem is I haven’t forgiven myself.

      Like

      • Nephila says:

        I have to say- it isn’t your place to forgive yourself. It’s the place of the person you wronged, and that’s your wife and only your wife (and children). But I do think IF you have shown how remorseful you are – and that includes no letting the OW off the hook, she’s just as bad as you- and you show how you’ve changed and you put your wife above anyone- anyone- who would cheat or condone cheating. If you do that then you’ll have something to be proud of. It doesn’t take away from the pain you caused, but it still counts as a mark of character. It’s by our deeds that we are judged, so if you change your deeds, then judgements change. It’s not about letting yourself off the hook with forgiveness it’s about showing you’ve left that behind.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sean says:

          In my opinion the Wayward Spouse needs to also find that place to forgive themselves, otherwise, there is always going to be energy for “coping”, there can be good coping (e.g., jogging, prayer, hobbies) or bad coping (e.g., porn, affairs, bad emotional connections, etc.). When a WS can get to a place where they can forgive themselves, then there can be something new, perhaps a joy and in that joy they can be a better spouse and try to improve their marrige with happiness not guilt and shame that can linger for a lifetime. I am a betrayed spouse, and have been for years. I can see that my WS does not forgive herself, and it does not help anyone. I can see it when she cries herself to sleep.

          Like

          • Anonyman says:

            Nephi replied to your comment. I don’t normally publish her comments because she’s a troll. If you want to see what she wrote and respond, I’ll pull it out of the trash for you.

            Like

  3. Let go says:

    I have suggested this to other bloggers. Type in “What Is Love”. Dr. Cookerly and when you find his site look on the left of the page. Limerence is what you are suffering. All over these blogs, whether written by men or women, are words of agony about “lost” love. Given time most people crash back into reality but some hang on for years yearning for a Disney interpretation of love. Glass slippers, hero’s on horseback, wilting maidens. Life is NEVER like that. Falling in love feels wonderful and horrible and you feel so alive……it is exhausting after a while. Give me some goog old boring days. Time for me to make plans, laugh with some friends and cook a special meal for my husband. I wish you well. Get yourself to a doctor and get on some antidepressants. Nothing to be ashamed of and you can work toward happiness again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going to disagree with the above comment because I think you have to forgive yourself, and here is why…You are human and none of us are perfect. You screwed up and were given a choice, you decided to take the hard road and try and save your marriage. Now that you are there the only way you can help your wife, and children is to heal, and that’s by being there fully for them. You have a ton of shit to dig through and it’s impossible to do while carrying all the self hate. Were you wrong…Yes!!! But at some point you have to forgive yourself for being an asshole, and instead figure out how not to ever be that asshole again.

    Just my thoughts, and lord knows I’m not sane or do I know everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Happy Suicide Prevention Day! | Isle of a Man

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