I just want to make something clear with regards to this blog: I’m not looking for sympathy.
I cheated and ruined a lot of things in the process. Yes, this has hurt me personally in addition to hurting my wife and friends, but I’m not looking for your sympathy. What I’ve gone through and continue to go through is the just desserts for my own selfish stupidity.
My first post said this blog is for me. I’m using this blog as self-therapy to record my thoughts. I’m so good at compartmentalizing that I can quickly and imperceptibly go from happy-go-lucky, and feeling like I’m recovered, to remembering everything, feeling like I can’t go on with my life anymore, and being on the verge of taking my own life. And the next morning I’m back to my usual self, and whatever feelings or catharsis or insights into my twisted psyche I gleaned in that dark place are gone.
That’s why I need this. Writing or blogging what I’m thinking and feeling gives me a sense of consistency so I don’t bottle everything up until I’m in a very low, very dark place and wanting to just end my life instead of share it with an uncaring, unfeeling world. This is a safety valve for me where I can blow off steam without sending things spiraling out of control.
The reason I’m blogging this is because I don’t have many outlets or people I can share this with and I can’t just hold it in any longer. And if you, the reader, can identify with what I’m saying or at least understand it, then that’s something.
But again, I’m not looking for sympathy. If you want to sympathize with someone, sympathize with my wife, or with Scarlet’s husband, or even with Scarlet herself. I am not the victim – I’m the perpetrator.
Just as an aside, Scarlet has her issues, but I do not think of her as a whore. She was vulnerable and I seduced her. It wasn’t my intention. At first I only wanted to sympathize with her and make her feel better about herself, and I think that’s what she was seeking, but in the end I was really seducing her. As hard as this has been for me, I believe it has been far harder for her.
I fucked up two families and that is why I don’t deserve your sympathy.