Sympathy for the Devil

I just want to make something clear with regards to this blog: I’m not looking for sympathy.

I cheated and ruined a lot of things in the process. Yes, this has hurt me personally in addition to hurting my wife and friends, but I’m not looking for your sympathy. What I’ve gone through and continue to go through is the just desserts for my own selfish stupidity.

My first post said this blog is for me. I’m using this blog as self-therapy to record my thoughts. I’m so good at compartmentalizing that I can quickly and imperceptibly go from happy-go-lucky, and feeling like I’m recovered, to remembering everything, feeling like I can’t go on with my life anymore, and being on the verge of taking my own life. And the next morning I’m back to my usual self, and whatever feelings or catharsis or insights into my twisted psyche I gleaned in that dark place are gone.

That’s why I need this. Writing or blogging what I’m thinking and feeling gives me a sense of consistency so I don’t bottle everything up until I’m in a very low, very dark place and wanting to just end my life instead of share it with an uncaring, unfeeling world. This is a safety valve for me where I can blow off steam without sending things spiraling out of control.

The reason I’m blogging this is because I don’t have many outlets or people I can share this with and I can’t just hold it in any longer. And if you, the reader, can identify with what I’m saying or at least understand it, then that’s something.

But again, I’m not looking for sympathy. If you want to sympathize with someone, sympathize with my wife, or with Scarlet’s husband, or even with Scarlet herself. I am not the victim – I’m the perpetrator.

Just as an aside, Scarlet has her issues, but I do not think of her as a whore. She was vulnerable and I seduced her. It wasn’t my intention. At first I only wanted to sympathize with her and make her feel better about herself, and I think that’s what she was seeking, but in the end I was really seducing her. As hard as this has been for me, I believe it has been far harder for her.

I fucked up two families and that is why I don’t deserve your sympathy.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Editorial Note, The affair and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Sympathy for the Devil

  1. Nephila says:

    You’re wrong. You are wholly responsible but so is Scarlet. I can’t see your marriage moving forward while you don’t give her equal responsibility with you. As a wife, I wouldn’t stay if my husband didn’t blame her equally. The only person who is not to blame at all is your wife and I’m glad to see you aren’t trying that one on.

    But Scarlet. She was an adult. She knew you were married. She was married too. That’s all she needed to know. Really. I could go on about how she was way more experienced than my husband, but I don’t think that reduces his responsibility. I could have said she had had 3 affairs previously and she knew how to get him to cross boundaries without realising at first. But he was an adult. He should have known. None of those things on either side changes the fact that you’re both responsible 100% and equally.

    And until you recognise that too, in my view you’re still betraying your wife because you’re still protecting your OW.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      You’re right, of course. We are both responsible for what happened. We were both selfish and we both used each other. But we neither intended to have an affair. We were both very, very stupid. I guess I kind of go back and forth with myself – sometimes I hate myself for being so selfish and the rest of the time I’m just disgusted with myself for being so stupid. When I’m merely disgusted, I sympathize with her own stupidity; when I hate myself I tend to take it all on myself – I don’t go by half measures. But you’re right – she does bear the blame and even if I was stupid and didn’t mean for it to happen, there were plenty of opportunities when I could have stopped it, and so could she, but we both wanted what we wanted. We both told ourselves that we would end it soon and that no one had to know. We were both self-deluded assholes.
      Thanks for your comments. This blog has gone very “stream of consciousness” which for me is all over the place emotionally. However, writing it out and reading comments has gotten me thinking about it in ways I haven’t before.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nephila says:

        You’re welcome. If you can get to the point where you have resolve not to be that person or have any regard for that person (and that includes her) and your wife has forbearance then you could be ok. I think my husband and I will be ok in the end. Not what we could have been or should have been, but ok. He’s a better man than he ever was before (yes, damn him!) and I am paying to price for his lessons so I intend to at least enjoy the payoff.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t like pity so I get why you don’t want sympathy. I give you props for taking the blame and feeling remorse. I also believe just because someone cheats it doesn’t make them a bad person, it just makes them a person who made bad decisions. I also believe that about the women/men they cheat with. Sometimes people who do it are bad people, sometimes they are whores but each case is different.

    Just my thoughts, your blog is interesting to my ever wondering “Why the Hell did he cheat” mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      Exactly – each case is different. I can’t even tell you all the reasons why I cheated, but if I could, they’d likely be different reasons from why your husband cheated. What I can tell you is that I and your husband were both wrong, we both made a whole series of bad choices, and ultimately we were both selfish. Recognizing those things really is more important than why we did what we knew was wrong. Even though this blog deals with some of the whys and hows of the affair and the recovery, I hope those things come across.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. rac says:

    Again I can sense your remorse.

    I’m not sure if empathy is the opposite of sympathy, but that’s what I try to feel. Good people make bad choices. Sometimes really bad choices, like cheating. Sometimes it’s a perfect storm, like yours sounds.

    I think my husbands was a perfect storm too, although his lasted years. I take zero responsibility for his choice to have an affair, but I contributed to him feeling that in his perfect storm made him think cheating was an acceptable or justifiable choice.

    Or maybe I’m just telling myself that ..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      If you haven’t already ready my post on temptation and responsibility, you should. I firmly believe that the only people responsible for an affair are the people who had an affair. However, I also believe that affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. Troubled marriages don’t cause affairs, but they make them much more tempting. Of course, that’s not the only risk factor, either. In my observation, untreated depression in men is far more likely to lead to an affair than is your typical marital issues.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. rac says:

    And I disagree that you are 100% responsible. If a girl is walking around and gets raped, does she hold any responsibility for the vile crime? NO. Zero. So unless you held Scarlett down, against her will, stalked her and manipulated her behavior then she is equally responsible. She isn’t a victim. She was equally capable of stopping the relationship, even if you were the perpetrator.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      I understand what you mean. It’s like the old saying “it takes two to tango.” As you say, I didn’t hold her down and force her to have an affair with me. The other woman didn’t make me do it either, and either one of us could have chosen to stop it at any time. Even though it took both of us to have an affair, we are both 100% responsible for our actions and we’re both 100% responsible for not stopping it.

      It may seem like semantics, and maybe it is to some extent. But I do think it’s important to make the distinction between two people who are 50-50, 60-40, or 70-30 percent responsible for the affair versus two people who are each individually 100% responsible for having an affair. I also think there’s an element of splitting apart the “us” relationship back into two people who each did some pretty horrible things. That they happened to occur together is secondary to what we did to other people.

      Liked by 1 person

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