With Every Heartbeat

I can write a blog post or a short story about some situation, concept, or idea, and while my prose might have an effect on people, it’ still just just an short-form essay written in a conversational tone. A better writer could take those same thoughts; rhyme them; add a healthy dose of similes, metaphors, and synonyms; and turn them into poetry. This is something higher than mere writing, it is composition. A musician can take that poetry and those thoughts, and set them to music, expressing emotion through melody, harmony, rhythm, and dynamic variation. And what you have then is something like the song above.

It may not be your favorite style of music, but I think anyone who’s been through an affair can identify with the lyrics.

Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen, babyWe could keep trying but things will never changeSo I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me, would it make you happy, baby

We could keep trying but things will never change

So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

We could keep trying but things will never change

So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat

Nothing affects me the way music does. Nothing else can take me back in time in the same way. Nothing else recalls or expresses the inexpressible emotions in my heart the way certain songs can. Nothing else instantly breaks down my walls and has me weeping like a baby the way certain songs can.

So this song is going out to all of you for whom every heartbeat hurts. This is for the spouse who was cheated on who can’t imagine how they can put their life back together after betrayal. This is for the cheat who is wracked with guilt over what they’ve done and has a hard time living with themselves. This is for the lovesick person whose heart is slowly coming to the realization that it’s never going to work, that even though it is killing them with every step, they have to keep walking away without looking back.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Music, The affair and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to With Every Heartbeat

  1. Love the end.. Sometimes I am on the side of I know how to put my life back together it means without him and I know there is pain in that too.. it’s so painful to walk away, but seems the only option in dealing with my cheating husband. Living with him is difficult, not that he’s being horrible just I don’t know how to live with a fraud someone who hurt me and let someone else hurt me.
    He says he isn’t that person anymore and he’s sorry…
    I’m sorry he did it too and I feel sorry for him, and now instead of the love and respect I had for him as a friend, husband he’s just a brother in Christ to me..
    walking away from him gets easier the longer this friendship continues

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    • Anonyman says:

      I am so sorry for you. I’ve seen my wife go through this. Even though she has decided to stay with me (for now at least), it has been so far beyond “hard” for her. I hope for his sake that you two can work it out, but I understand if you don’t. That kind of pain runs so deep, it can be an insurmountable obstacle. But at least it sounds like you have forgiven him, which as a Christian you know is more important for you than it is even for him. I feel very sorry for the spouses who can’t move past the anger and hatred – it eats them up. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for him for you, if that makes any sense.

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      • Sorry I gave the wrong impression hence my name πŸ™‚ but God is working His magic and is showing me my cheating husband is not only a child of God, but a brother in Christ and I can treat him as such.
        I don’t treat him like that and I truly haven’t been.

        I usually have awesome epiphanies about kindness and grace about M but then I can act like a raging Dutchess of death on him within minutes.

        I don’t think I’ve forgiven him nor do I think I haven’t forgiven him. I think I’m making progress in each area there but I would like not to be his enemy and have peace with him.

        Sometimes I wonder if forgiveness is like sin in a way. Sometimes we don’t even know we are sinning, or we think we got over a sin, hurt, grudge only to find out later we are not. I wonder if I have forgiven more than I realize, or not..

        I’m new at this we are almost at 4 months, no need to be sorry I stopped following your blog because it was hard to read. Mine loved her too, hard to swallow in any sense of how my husband could love so hard and fast and throw our relationship away.

        He found out his affair was a fleeting love and not worth it, but so much damage done to ours in the name of no one ever knowing.. It’s hard to take how a person I loved so deeply would choose deceit over honesty.

        I’m glad you are sorry for him, I feel for M I don’t feel sorry for him most days.

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        • Anonyman says:

          Forgiveness is a process that starts with a repeated decision not to hate or seek revenge. I have been forgiven hundreds of times and I hope I will be forgiven seventy times seven times. Don’t beat yourself up about it. God’s grace is sufficient, but God does not promise instant sanctification (dangit). He reveals our sin a bit at a time because if we ever saw our sin the way He does, I don’t think we could bear it.
          I know my blog is probably hard to follow for someone who is on the other side of the situation. Part of why I’m writing this is because I still can’t have these kinds of frank and honest conversations with my wife – not all at once anyway. It would be too painful for her even after all we’ve been through.
          I don’t know how I or your husband could love another woman so quickly. My wife is superior to Scarlet in every way that matters, but I put myself into a position where I allowed myself to love an inferior woman. The only explanation I can offer is that it happened gradually over several months at which point my perspective was seriously skewed. I wasn’t trying to replace or even supplement my wife – the emotion simply was what it was.
          He was right though, it wasn’t worth it. I suspect he found he wasn’t the person he thought he was and would take it all back if he could. I know I do.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Thanks for the reply
            I promise I’m not looking for answers though. M has told me those things it still baffles me.
            I just ask them in my head and it probably isn’t healthy since I already know what M was thinking.

            You do confirm what he says which makes me sad he was in that state of mind.. I saw a quote about affairs on Pinterest..
            saying “Your whole being is saying this would be a perfect way to live if it wasn’t so ruinous to the soul”

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            • Anonyman says:

              You’ve very welcome. I don’t claim to have the answers for myself, let alone for other people. I am just putting everything out there as a way of trying to make sense of it myself. I guess if it helps other people, then maybe this blog isn’t JUST for me after all.
              As for the quote, that’s pretty spot on. I don’t feel this way now, but towards the end of the affair I wanted so badly to make both my wife and Scarlet happy, but it was killing me because that’s impossible. We’re not made that way. No matter how much we want to break the rules “the right way” so no one gets hurt, the rules are there for our own protection because what we’re trying can’t be done.

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  2. I forgot to add reading your blog makes me have compassion for M (My cheating husband) that if he truly is sorry how I just add to his hell.. not that I’m being a codependent just that maybe I could curb the hate and rage.. the discouragement he feels, how sad it must be to break someone’s heart, wound your marriage, and the only thing he can offer me is “I’m sorry” and himself.

    Which neither are anything I want in my life. I have no desire for the man, but does that need to be addressed every minute of everyday? Which is what I’ve been doing..

    So your blog convicts me, not that I know you at all but I take from your blog you are sorry.. sorry you let another woman in your marriage, broke your wife’s heart, and your own in more places than you can imagine.. I could be wrong..

    It’s hard to read because another woman broke my husband’s heart also. That he missed her during our marriage, that even if he says he doesn’t miss her now I don’t believe him. He says he didn’t see all the damage this would do. He gave up so much to be with her..

    That’s why I have a hard time moving on from this he sacrificed so much for her, his integrity, character, and relationship with me for her? She wasn’t living life with him, doing his laundry, I wasn’t deceiving another woman (she was my best friend), cooking, raising his kids..
    So now he wants this marriage to work? What do I get him?

    Unfortunately I feel that is no prize..at all what has he sacrificed for me? His affair? once again I don’t feel like the blessed wife I once was 😦

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    • Anonyman says:

      If he truly loves you, he will understand that he caused all of this. The act of loving you means he has to stick with you through your pain, even when you lash out at him. You see, if he becomes bitter towards your very understandable reaction, you’re in trouble. If he loves you through it all, forgiving you when you ask for forgiveness and asking for forgiveness in return – that’s something you can build on.
      I am sorry. One of the things I am sorry for is that my stupid decision really hasn’t cost me that much. Yes, it’s been hard. Yes, I had to give up Scarlet (but she was never really mine to begin with). Yes, I’ve lost face in front of friends, family, and coworkers. Worst of all, I’ve lost the trust of my wife and I’ve lost the ability to say “I’m not the type of man who would hurt his wife so horribly.” But really, none of that compares to what my wife has gone through. That is why I don’t seek sympathy.
      One final thought. The husband you and he both thought you had is gone. The husband he actually was is gone if he’s truly repentant. What you can gain is a real relationship with a real husband. But my God, at what a cost. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

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      • I think it’s a huge difficulty that I thought I had a real relationship with my husband. Turns out it was false, his love was second rate. I knew it I just figured he would turn around and see that if you feel unloved is it a possibility your spouse is loving you just you are not receiving it well?

        I had to do this for myself in my marriage and he found himself in the arms of an ice queen.

        He wants to be a new man a new husband to me. I honestly have wanted him dead, or ascended I would have preferred ascended.. seriously though I’m not sure how I would have explained that to the cops πŸ™‚

        I don’t want any part of him, but we have kids I have trained to adore him, because I did. So it’s so unclear I see the pain in my children’s eyes and I can do this I can be here with the most disappointment of a man I have ever met. My husband is the man who caused me the most pain in my life’s entirety.

        It’s hard for me the words I’m sorry.. because he wanted Ice he enjoyed every moment with Ice..

        His happiness caused my sorrow. He didn’t spare me at all he didn’t even tell me anything. Yup all on Ice’s husband. She wasn’t planning on telling me he made her. So Mr. Anon you at least came clean on your own accord and for that you should be encouraged πŸ™‚

        Mine regrets not being the one to tell me. He regrets letting Ice walk all over me while he did nothing.He says he didn’t see all the damage the betrayal.

        Now he’s sorry..

        It is a sad story you are correct thanks for your condolences on my husband I mourn him so much everyday, yet as time moves on and I don’t plan on killing myself and being around for my kids. I still find it painful to walk away or stay there is no decision that seems better than the other
        for that I truly hate him. I wish we didn’t have our 4 gorgeous ones because I would have left him so easily.. But these blessings adore him and want us together..

        ahh.. I’m rambling.. thanks for the conversation πŸ™‚

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        • Anonyman says:

          The words “I’m sorry” are just so inadequate, I know. Sorry, no matter how sincerely felt, doesn’t begin to make up for what your husband did or what I did.
          So did S tell her husband or were they caught? I don’t condone his decision not to tell you, but he probably wasn’t thinking straight. He was living in fantasy land where her husband knew but he could avoid your finding out. He probably thought, as I did for a couple of days, that maybe he could just pretend he hadn’t screwed up, go back to the straight and narrow, and everything would be fine. Hell, even after I decided to tell my wife, I still thought “What I did was bad, but it wasn’t THAT bad. I’m sure we’ll have a rough couple of months and then be fine.” I plead insanity. It’s the only explanation for how I could be that insanely stupid. I’m ashamed to even admit I was that clueless about the bomb I was about to drop on our marriage.
          Anyway, now I’m rambling, so you’re quite alright. If rambling was verboten on my blog, I’d have to stop posting.

          Liked by 1 person

            • Anonyman says:

              Obviously you’re no longer friends, but did she ever try to apologize? I don’t mean to pry, it’s just the thought of your friend and your husband doing that to you makes me ill. Yes I know, irony alert, but that specific situation is a bit of a trigger with me for reasons I can’t really get into. Or won’t. I’m not sure, maybe I’ll share at some point. Sorry, rambling again. I suppose I should just read back through your blog instead of asking prying questions in my own comments section.

              Like

            • Anonyman says:

              Nevermind, I forgot she was the one who was forced to call you. Sorry.

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  3. Year Bob tested M and a few days before she called me. He knew it was coming for me. He said he hoped it would just go away. Super insanity you are so right. Thing is M just forgot who he married I would have let him have her. He didn’t need to lie to me, and let her lie to me as well. I would have been much better off knowing he loved another and exited stage right.

    I always fought for that guy. I never let anyone talk down to him because I am pretty independent and many would always ask who wore the pants in the family. I never flinched to stand up for my guy. He always wore the pants πŸ™‚ I look back on this marriage and know I wasn’t perfect but I did right by him.

    There was no lying or secrecy on my part. The more I talk with you I see how much better off I would be without M in my life. It’s just working with the kids. But you know that changes every minute it seems.

    I have chosen to settle down and just shut him out. Unless it deals with the kids he is a traitor. I keep trying to control this situation and find an answer whether to leave him or not right now. Unfortunately with 4 kids ages 11, 5,4,1 there is no right now hell it takes a 1/2 an hour to get everyone in the car.

    Super grateful for our blogosphere telling me to take it easy and for your insight there used to be a guy I followed on here called come back to me erin. He went offline it seems and she left him but it’s helpful to read about a cheater’s remorse. Because when remorse and sorry comes out of the lips of the who who stabbed me I don’t seem to grasp the ideas or insanity well πŸ™‚

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    • Anonyman says:

      Kids do make it tricky. Fortunately ours are too young to realize what is going on. Some day I’ll have to tell them, and I’ll impress upon them just how horrible it was so maybe they won’t follow in their father’s footsteps. Maybe I’ll make them read this blog.
      For what it’s worth, I think you’ve made the right decision for right now. You may never love him the way you did before, but if you can at least live together for the kids’ sake that’s probably the best for them. And if he’s truly changed, you may find you can tolerate him until the kids are grown, but if he’s not changed then you have to protect yourself and you kids from an unrepentant cheater.
      Or maybe my unsolicited advice is just a load of bollocks. I don’t know. One bit of advice I will stand by is to not make any rash decisions because as you say, it can change from minute to minute. It gets better, I promise. It was at about 6-8 months that my wife decided she was going to make it work. She still occasionally has her moments of wanting to start fresh, but they are getting far less frequent.
      Just out of curiosity, have either of you sought counseling?

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      • Yeah we do individual right now and are going to Marriage Restore in Wichita, KS in two weeks. when the counselor recommends marital we will do that. What about you guys?

        I remember reading an article about having an affair and the therapy bills for both people and as a couple. And to think about that before you hope into bed with someone else.

        I simply hate all this money going out the window. I swear my psych ward Bill was just as much as having a baby. They kept me 5 days. 😦

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        • Anonyman says:

          We did both individual and marital counseling. My wife got a lot out of the individual, but neither of us really did well with the couple’s counseling. We found that it exacerbated our strife without really making things better. That is NOT typical, but I don’t know if it was us or the counselor we were seeing.

          Actually, it was probably me. I have some major trust issues, so the thought of going and opening up to a counselor still makes me want to put a gun in my mouth as a more elegant solution to what’s wrong in my head.

          I honestly don’t know how your husband lives with himself. I don’t say that in a judging way, I just honestly don’t know if I could live with myself. Okay, story time:
          Right after the revelation, I stupidly shared something with my wife that she didn’t need to hear at that time because I was trying to be completely open and honest with her. This was so dumb it prompted a mutual friend who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist to wonder if I was autistic. This mutual friend called her up and was trying to assess whether or not she should be committed. What he didn’t know is that I had an opened 5″ fighting knife in my hand while he was talking to her. If he had told me she was going to the hospital, my plan was to slit my throat right then and there and then stab myself in the heart. That knife was awfully sharp and it was a good plan. Fortunately for all, it didn’t go that way, but it was a very close call. Other than my weak failed attempts (which were probably more “self harm” than actual attempts), that is the closest I ever came to doing it.

          Anyway, I hope you are doing better. You certainly seem to be. Have you found your individual counselor to be a benefit.

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          • Our counselor is super busy I’m seen him twice since I’ve gotten out of the ward.
            Yeah M was looking rather rough that I was in there. It sucked so bad being in there. I think it helped very little, but hey I’m still here so does that mean it worked.. and I still want to die. but whatever…
            I’m glad I have Christ and truly believe that I will see my counselor when it happens it happens.I don’t sweat it.
            I like my counselor alot M seems to be okay with it. But we went to one session out of town marital counseling and it didn’t go well.

            I think so far individual is goo. When you did marital did you go to the same person? P.S. you do not have to reply right away

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  4. Totally fine ask any questions going through another’s blog to find answers can be daunting. yeah she’s said sorry mostly due to my own creating a meeting to have her meet me in the psych ward, emails, the like. Never made anything better she’s a horrible chic. I hope she’s getting better I mean not sure how you can go any lower besides actually killing someone. She is a piece of work and it frustrates me I gave so much of my heart to the both of them but water under the bridge

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