Q and A with a Cheater

I’ve gotten several questions in the comments since I started this blog. Most of them are from betrayed spouses wanting to understand how I or their spouse could do such a thing. I imagine there are a lot more unanswered questions that my readers – both cheaters and the betrayed – have for me.

So here’s your big chance. Ask a question in the comments and I’ll not only answer it, but I’ll compile the questions and answers into a post. That way your insightful questions and my pathetic answers will forever live in infamy. The questions don’t have to be about affairs – anything I’ve posted about, or even anything you’d like my opinion about, is fair game.

I look forward to seeing what you come up with.


About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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13 Responses to Q and A with a Cheater

  1. rjc326 says:

    How did you get caught?


    • Anonyman says:

      Scarlet and I had driven to a public place to talk (honest). We started making out and she was getting a little out of control. I stopped her from actually having sex with me, but a bystander thought we were having sex anyway and called the cops. The cops showed up and wrote us both tickets based on the witness statement. I had no choice but to fight the ticket which meant a lawyer and lawyers don’t come cheap. There was no way to hide that much money from my wife, so I had to tell her.
      I chose to tell her everything and I’m glad I did, even though it was very painful for her. A partial truth and a partial repentance would have allowed the affair to continue which would have been even worse in the end.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Moxie says:

    Was it worth it?
    My ex-husband chose the other woman. He left us and she left her family. Is it really worth it?
    They are not even a couple today.


    • Anonyman says:

      It sounds like you already know the answer. No, it wasn’t worth it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but they are to the affair as an ant is to an elephant. My beloved wife will have to live the rest of her life with the pain I’ve caused. No matter how good I am to her, no matter how much we love each other or how much she trusts me, no matter what new memories we make together, it’s never going to stop hurting. And for what? Three months of excitement and happiness with another woman? No, it wasn’t worth it and I wish I could undo it.


  3. Years in the life of... says:

    So TOW here, did you ever fear Scarlett? Telling your wife? Would u do it again if you wouldn’t be found out? Were there more than one mistress? Did you ever love her?


    • Anonyman says:

      Yes. She never asked me to leave my wife because she knew I wouldn’t. But if she thought I would, I’m confident she would have left her husband. The thought crossed my mind that she might have told my wife so she would leave me, leaving me free for her.
      Scarlet is the only woman besides my wife that I’ve truly fallen in love with or had sex with (Including the Clinton rule).
      I would not do it again, even if no one ever knew. First, I’d still be betraying my wife even if she didn’t know. Second, in the real world these things usually have a way of getting out. Thrid, even if my wife never knew, I’d know.
      Which leads me to your next question. Yes, I loved her. Loving two women at the same time is hard enough, then having to let one of them go is even harder. I don’t ever want to do that again.


      • Years in the life of... says:

        Appreciate the honesty. I’ve been there myself and had to force hard, raged and lots of anguish, to let go as the OW. It’s a lonely place even when the moments scream the need to carry one over to the next time. They lost it’s magic, or was it him that lost his magic? Wishing you and family/marriage the best.


  4. julesedison says:

    What part do you think your porn addiction played in having an affair?


    • Anonyman says:

      Good question. For starters, I think the porn addiction was a sign of deeper problems. Porn is a form of false intimacy. It is a way to avoid real intimacy. In my case, I didn’t really trust my wife so I had a hard time being vulnerable with her. Whenever we did have sex it was great, but because I had been looking at porn since puberty, I had unrealistic expectations for what sex should be like which put me in vicious cycle of doubt, avoidance, and escape.
      When I first started viewing porn as a young teenager, it wasn’t even really porn. It was pictures of women in bikinis or lingerie. Then it was topless women. Then it was full frontal. Then it was actual sex. Then it was kink. And so it went. There was a natural progression where each step made the next easier. The same was true of the affair and since I had walked similar steps before with porn, I think it allowed me to progress faster into the affair.
      Another way in which porn facilitated the affair is it had long fostered secrecy in our marriage. I knew my wife didn’t want me looking at porn, so I became very good at hiding it and compartmentalizing it in my own mind. It became okay, at least in practice, to hide things – sexual things – from my wife. The affair played right into that. Just as with the hidden porn addiction, I thought if I could keep it secret and hidden, then no one would be hurt. It never worked out that way for porn or the affair, obviously.
      I also think the long-term porn addiction has skewed my perception of sex and women. When you have viewed as much porn as I have and have searched for the next great pic or vid the way I have, you start to view women in a very base way. That’s not to say I’m incapable of loving a woman, but when I saw a woman, one of my first thoughts was “Would I fuck her?” I was rating women in real life the way I was rating porn stars online. This made it easier to see myself having an affair with Scarlet because I had already done it in my fantasies.
      As far as the addiction goes, I’m not normally an addictive type of person. I’ve tried smoking and drinking, but have no problem picking both up and dropping them at will. Porn, and the affair, have proved to be very hard to quit. I can’t really explain it other than to say that both are just always there, ready to pull me down. Whenever I’m having a bad day, whenever I’m bored, or whenever I’m feeling bad about myself, it’s always there looking so good. I know I could indulge in that addiction and I’d feel good for a couple of hours or maybe longer. There’s that siren’s song of, “Nobody has to know. It’s just a little harmless fun.” Right now I know it’s not true, but it’s easy to lose my head when I’m already weak.
      So you see when I say I’m a broken person, it’s not mere hyperbole. I know I’m pretty messed up and porn has played a big part in that.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. julesedison says:

    Thanks for such a thoughtful response. I’ve read through your Realizing… posts numerous times. I think you are pulling together some of the things my husband has tried to say to me. Perhaps a bit more coherently. 🙂 In fact, I found myself thinking, did my husband start a blog? Your affair details are too dissimilar for that to be the case. Haha! Anyway, it has been helpful, I think; but then again I have been known to think that and then end up down a rabbit hole again. Good luck to you and your wife. This infidelity business is not for the weak of heart.


    • Anonyman says:

      I have good days and bad days – sometimes even hours. Writing tends to order my thoughts, even if it doesn’t always lift them. I often struggle to rise to the level of incoherence when actually talking with my wife, so I can relate.
      While my story may be unique, one thing I’ve learned through blogging is that a lot of people have similar reactions. It just goes to show that all affairs are unique but similar in some respects. And you’re right, it’s definitely not for the weak of heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Foreverchanged says:

    Did you compare sex with your wife to sex with scarlet? Do you now? Do you think of her when having sex with your wife?


    • Anonyman says:

      It’s kind of hard not to compare, at least at some point. My wife asked me to compare her to the other woman in the initial aftermath of the revelation. The thing is, my wife is better – she’s known me for a long time and she has learned how to give me a good time (and that’s all I will say about that). The other woman didn’t know me the way my wife does, so sex with her wasn’t as good. There is a sense in which the illicit sex was more exciting and alluring at the time, but my perspective has changed to where regret now overwhelms any excitement I did feel then. The only time I compare the two now is when asked about it.

      I do not think of the other woman when having sex with my wife, nor have I except in the context of shame, regret, worrying about what my wife is thinking about, etc. Even if sex with the other woman had been better, thinking of her would not in any way improve the sex I’m having with my wife. Besides, I made my decision and I’m sticking with it both physically and mentally.


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