I wrote this earlier, but didn’t post it. After thinking about I decided, crazy or not, I’m going to post it.
You know it’s a bad day when you start looking at the various cords and cables at you desk and wonder “Would that hold by body weight if I wrapped it around my neck?”
I can’t explain it. Today is very much like yesterday and the day before. Even this morning I was feeling like maybe this whole suicidal ideation thing had just been a passing fad.
Walking around helps. I find that if I stay in the same place too long, my brain starts in a downward spiral. So I get up and walk around, but it’s like I’m watching myself walk around, like I’m detached from my body and only dumbly going through the motions.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe both. Currently neither. It feels like the depressed me and the manic me are wrestling inside my head like a couple of mud wrestlers in a kiddie pool. And I’m just along for the ride.
What sounds really nice is just tapping out for a while. Just to pass into unconsciousness for a few days. Just to step off this rollercoaster I’m on and catch my breath.
The thing is, I know that an hour or two hours from now I’ll be home with my family. I’ll be able to just focus on the TV or a video game or music, and the wrestling match in my head with go away. But that’s not the same thing as it ending.
Am I crazy or am I just making it all up from too much caffeine and not enough stuff to keep my brain occupied? I admit there’s a certain comfort in thinking I might be going crazy. Crazy can be treated. Crazy has doctors. Crazy has a diagnosis and a fancy name. Am I just engaging in wish fulfillment by letting my mind go wild or is what I’m feeling “normal” for certain brands of crazy?
All these swirling emotions and feelings and contradictory thoughts and self-doubts. It’s enough to drive a man insane. Screen cap it now folks, as I’ll likely delete it in a few hours. At least until the next time the wrestling starts.