Is This What Crazy Feels Like?

I wrote this earlier, but didn’t post it. After thinking about I decided, crazy or not, I’m going to post it.

You know it’s a bad day when you start looking at the various cords and cables at you desk and wonder “Would that hold by body weight if I wrapped it around my neck?”

I can’t explain it. Today is very much like yesterday and the day before. Even this morning I was feeling like maybe this whole suicidal ideation thing had just been a passing fad.

Walking around helps. I find that if I stay in the same place too long, my brain starts in a downward spiral. So I get up and walk around, but it’s like I’m watching myself walk around, like I’m detached from my body and only dumbly going through the motions.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe both. Currently neither. It feels like the depressed me and the manic me are wrestling inside my head like a couple of mud wrestlers in a kiddie pool. And I’m just along for the ride.

What sounds really nice is just tapping out for a while. Just to pass into unconsciousness for a few days. Just to step off this rollercoaster I’m on and catch my breath.

The thing is, I know that an hour or two hours from now I’ll be home with my family. I’ll be able to just focus on the TV or a video game or music, and the wrestling match in my head with go away. But that’s not the same thing as it ending.

Am I crazy or am I just making it all up from too much caffeine and not enough stuff to keep my brain occupied? I admit there’s a certain comfort in thinking I might be going crazy. Crazy can be treated. Crazy has doctors. Crazy has a diagnosis and a fancy name. Am I just engaging in wish fulfillment by letting my mind go wild or is what I’m feeling “normal” for certain brands of crazy?

All these swirling emotions and feelings and contradictory thoughts and self-doubts. It’s enough to drive a man insane. Screen cap it now folks, as I’ll likely delete it in a few hours. At least until the next time the wrestling starts.


About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Suicide, Teh Crazy and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Is This What Crazy Feels Like?

  1. pabloswife says:

    Maybe when you get home you could work on focusing on your wife instead of the TV/music/video game. I’m sure she’d appreciate it 🙂

    Maybe it’s also time to return to some kind of therapy or maybe go and see your doctor and see if he has any happy pills to get you thru this phase in your journey. I’m not sure having your wife find you with a cord around your neck is what she needs right now! Go home and give her and your kids a hug!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I do that. But, if after a long day, she wants to snuggle up on the loveseat and watch TV or play games together, then that’s what we do. I also make sure we talk, especially if she has something on her mind.
      As for the happy pills, I think I’m going to talk to the doc next week. Hopefully I won’t chicken out.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The doctors are not very nice to crazy and their pills make you even more sick than you actually think you are.
    Have you been to a psych ward recently? Trust me you do not want to go. I mean unless you are a millionaire then I say go.
    Because I’m sure they are not trying the profit method on you have you read the blog I’ve linked
    It’s a great read.
    Also have you tried reading books? I would recommend Creativity Inc., Thanks for the Feedback (nice to read about triggers in a different light), and I’m also reading the Confidence Code for women. I blow through books and I find these books are fun for the brain. Also I recently read Think like a Freak.

    Anyways you are not crazy coming from someone with alot of suicide ideation right now. The purpose to know you are having those thoughts is what are you going to do with them and how can they help you?

    In the ward they taught me there is an opportunity in everything. I should have asked them what opportunity comes from suicide ideation. I asked them what can come from this betrayal. And they said a marriage I want, a relationship I want from now on, or what I want to do with our life.

    So from one suicide ideation pal to another what opportunity can come from our mental plight?

    I read in Creativity Inc. Give a good idea to a mediocre team, and they will screw it up. But give a mediocre idea to a great team, and they will either fix it or come up with something better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      No, I’ve never been committed or self-admitted. I know it’s not as nice as it sounds in my mind. After thinking about it, I guess what I’m really looking for is someone to care about me and fix whatever is wrong with me. I feel unfixable all the time, but at least most of the time I feel like I could live the rest of my life as a broken person.
      I suppose one opportunity that has come out of my plight is I have a lot more to write about. I’ve also done some *ahem* research while suicidal, which was enlightening. Knowledge is power, as they say. I feel like if I saw someone who was suicidal, I’d be able to help them to choose life.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I am so sorry you feel this way right now. Please, please take care of yourself. I know what it’s like to be horribly depressed and feel you can’t pull yourself out of it. When my EA ended earlier this year (I am single, he is married, it went on for over 3 years) I felt like I was at a bottom of a well, slipping further and further into a horrible place. I was crying every day, multiple times a day. When I burst into tears at the doctors office (I was there for something else) he gently suggested meds, which I was on for about 6 months, but am now off. It helped very quickly and lifted me just far enough out of the well that I could function

    You are absolutely not crazy. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be treated. Just remember that, when you feel crazy–it’s not you, it’s your neurotransmitters!! That might help you get the help you need

    In the meantime, I am thinking of you and will follow along to see how you are doing

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I’m going to see my GP next week. I think I’ll ask him about an anti-depressant. I’ve hesitated before because I can feel deeply depressed one moment and then perfectly fine the next. Seems like I should be able to control this and not dip so low, but I’m tired of fighting this. I’m hoping something will help with the wild swings.

      Liked by 1 person

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