Cruelty to the Other Woman

At a certain point in my recovery, I realized that if I truly had any feelings for Scarlet or any regard for her well being, I had to let her go. No matter how much I was tempted to find out if she was doing okay or to respond when she tried to contact me, I had to be strong. Don’t get me wrong, not contacting her was the right thing to do and the caring thing to do for my wife. On that basis alone I was not talking to Scarlet.

However, I also realized that she still had feelings for me, or at least she did at one time, and that doing anything to encourage those feelings was prolonging her pain. Letting her know I still thought about her would have been a moment’s relief for us both, but it would have extended the mourning period.

I realize that for many people, this is a hard conclusion to come to. It means sacrificing your own temporary happiness and relief from missing the other person. It means suffering the separation alone since you can’t console yourself with your affair partner or your spouse. It means letting go and watching the last embers of your once fiery relationship die a little more each day.

Believe me, I know this is hard. It’s sad to say, but the end of the affair was the only bad break-up I’ve even experienced. I didn’t date much in high school or college before I met and fell in love with my wife. She was the first serious relationship I ever experienced and the only one until my affair. So when the affair ended, it was hard because I was committed to ending it.

I’m not going to go all preachy on you with this post. I just wanted to share this insight with those of you who are in an affair or coming out of an affair. These are murky waters we’re in and we need to see clearly what are the results of our actions and the actions of our AP.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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12 Responses to Cruelty to the Other Woman

  1. Dearest Russ says:

    I had to close my office door after reading this because my eyes filled with tears.

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  2. This is a difficult to read because I hope S suffers most days. I’m working on not de-humanizing her and that M cared for her too. In such a weird way because I know S deserved better than to be doing hand-jobs on the sides of highways. I always feel I loved S more, but she didn’t love me and I treated her better. I bought her gifts and took her out for her birthday and she betrayed me as well..
    I hate them so much today… this post seals it for me.
    I hate the fact my husband loved another woman. He chose to do that no one put a gun to his head, he chose to betray his kids because if I do leave him, he chose that for our kids. When I am completely depressed and irritated with our kids, he had a great deal in that.
    All for the sake of love.. I wish he would have left me. it would be easier than this. This whole forgiveness thing is so much harder than just having someone disappear out of your life and me moving on.

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    • Anonyman says:

      I too hate that I loved another woman and I know it deeply hurts my wife. I may not have consciously chosen to love her, but I made a series of bad decisions that led to forming an illicit attachment to another woman. I was wrong – there’s no avoiding that fact.
      The post is for the cheater for whom the attachment has already formed. It’s purpose is to open their eyes, as mine were opened, to see yet another reason to make the right choice and walk the hard road, alone if need be.
      I know a lot of what I write is hard to hear for the betrayed spouse. I sincerely wish it wasn’t because I know they have already been through a lot. There may come a time when I decide that the pain I’m causing with this blog is not worth what I and other people are getting out of it. But I still think I and others benefit from the truth, painful though it is.

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      • Yes it was hard to read, but none the less useful. My husband went through these emotions and I fault him every step, but reading what you write is necessary, because it hurts it is something I should see and process.
        Although I do know the analogy in regards to that statement that just because I know a stab would hurts, doesn’t necessarily mean I have to stab myself to understand. I’m not sure I’m doing that here.
        My husband loved another woman/let that woman stab me in my back and now wants it to work.
        My husband has feelings he isn’t a worthless pile of goo just because he hurt people. I remember when he wrote he felt bad for hurting his OW and I came unglued!
        But I understand more to read what you write, to have a bit more compassion towards my husband. To understand what he went through and to ask questions things I feel need to be answered. Like does he have any triggers I am unaware of and the like.

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        • Anonyman says:

          Then I hope your husband doesn’t come to curse my (anonymous) name 🙂
          Incidentally, I wrote the same thing and got the same result. She understands now, even though she doesn’t like it. I can’t blame her, or you, either.

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      • Without all the words I benefit from your blog. I do. It hurts sometimes.. but I think it’s necessary

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sissy says:

        I agree. This sucks to read. Mine had an emotional affair and I know how he felt but reading from your perspective gives it a different depth. I’m not sure yet if that’s bad for me or not.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree. There was a moment last year when Jack was completely lost, about to lose his marriage and family, and needed to make a decision about a new job. Because I loved him as much as I did, I told him he had to do everything possible to try to save his marriage. I could have manipulated the situation in many ways, I could have told him I wanted him to leave her to be with me, but I never wanted that hanging around his neck. I loved him so much that I let him go, even though it wrecked me.

    And for his part, as we have struggled with this past year of separation, he has pushed me away several times because he struggles with hurting me and hurting his wife, but missing the emotional intensity of our relationship.

    The only thing I will say is that while I have gone through a massive amount of pain in the past year, as has Jack, and while I am in a place where I feel healthy and happy and don’t cry anymore, the love between us hasn’t changed. You are right that the fiery part dies, the panic at being away from each other, the absolute need to be in their presence. But the feelings don’t die.

    I think it’s different from a regular breakup because neither party really wants it to end. Jack and I ended things when we were the most infatuated and in love that we had ever been. It made the end that much more awful, but it also means I still think of him every day, feel his presence, and love him. I think he feels the same way. The only things keeping us apart are structural (we live in different cities and no longer work together)–if those weren’t in place I’m not sure we would have the strength to stay away from each other.

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    • Anonyman says:

      I hear what you’re saying. In my opinion, people make a mistake when they assume if you see a relationship is wrong, then your feelings must all turn to hate and disgust. That’s simply not true, although it would be nice if it was.
      But you’re right, it’s not a normal breakup – at least not in every case or for every party involved. It’s worse for a lot of reasons including the one you mentioned.

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  4. Moxie says:

    Hello,
    I was doing a search today and I found your blog. I wish I had your point of view in April 2012…the month of my D Day.
    I am still reading all your blogs to get caught up. When I started, I thought for a split second, that you were my ex-husband, that’s how similar our stories are.
    I’m 2 years in and my divorce was finalized in Jan 2014. I wish my husband wanted his marriage. His family was expendable. He actually told that what he felt for the OW, he has never felt before. Wow…being his wife at the time, that hurt, just add it on to all the other hurt.
    I have been a devout follower of this blog http://themeaningofrepentance.blogspot.com/. Take a look. It has been hard to read blogs of husbands choosing their marriage and family over the OW, whereas mine did not. But thank you. Can’t believe I said that. But so many of my questions never were answered cause he just wanted out of the marriage. Reading these blogs, I get some answers. Sad fact….they are not even a couple today. Two families destroyed for what? Feelings…feelings lie and are fleeting. Sorry…I digress.
    I pray your marriage and your family survives this.

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    • Anonyman says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Affairs just suck. They taint everything and everyone they touch. It sounds like your husband was pretty messed up. I don’t say that to be mean. It just sounds like he threw it all away for nothing because he was so messed up in his judgment that he didn’t realize what was what. I’m sorry he involved your family and hers in his mess, and I’m sorry he selfishly chose to follow a vapor instead of his wife and family. I will also be praying for you and your family.
      BTW, digression is 90% of what I do here, so digress at will.

      Liked by 1 person

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