At a certain point in my recovery, I realized that if I truly had any feelings for Scarlet or any regard for her well being, I had to let her go. No matter how much I was tempted to find out if she was doing okay or to respond when she tried to contact me, I had to be strong. Don’t get me wrong, not contacting her was the right thing to do and the caring thing to do for my wife. On that basis alone I was not talking to Scarlet.
However, I also realized that she still had feelings for me, or at least she did at one time, and that doing anything to encourage those feelings was prolonging her pain. Letting her know I still thought about her would have been a moment’s relief for us both, but it would have extended the mourning period.
I realize that for many people, this is a hard conclusion to come to. It means sacrificing your own temporary happiness and relief from missing the other person. It means suffering the separation alone since you can’t console yourself with your affair partner or your spouse. It means letting go and watching the last embers of your once fiery relationship die a little more each day.
Believe me, I know this is hard. It’s sad to say, but the end of the affair was the only bad break-up I’ve even experienced. I didn’t date much in high school or college before I met and fell in love with my wife. She was the first serious relationship I ever experienced and the only one until my affair. So when the affair ended, it was hard because I was committed to ending it.
I’m not going to go all preachy on you with this post. I just wanted to share this insight with those of you who are in an affair or coming out of an affair. These are murky waters we’re in and we need to see clearly what are the results of our actions and the actions of our AP.