Confession Time

I went to see the doctor about a minor medical issue, and the plan was to also talk to him about going on an antidepressant. But the thing is I’ve been feeling pretty good since last Wednesday or Thursday.

I started psyching myself out about it. “I wasn’t really feeling that bad, was I? Nah, I was just making a big deal of nothing, as usual. I just needed to buck up and feel better. Thank goodness I’m fine now!”

So yeah, I chickened out. When the time came where he always asks, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” I said no. I didn’t want to get into it with another person. I didn’t want to admit to my doctor, who also sees my wife, that I had an affair and have been struggling to hold it together at times. I found it was easier to put up the wall than to face the possibility of hearing either that I had something wrong with me or that the only thing wrong with me is that I’m a narcissistic fuck up.

You know where this is going, right? Of course you do if you’ve been reading this blog for more than about 5 minutes. I started reading someone else’s blog and for whatever reason it sent me tumbling.

My guess is that I compartmentalize things so I can deal with them, but I never unpack them again once they’re in their neat little compartment. I can write a post about how my wife has forgiven me for what I’ve done without really thinking about what I’ve done, or how hard it’s been for her or for me to get through this, or how hard it’s going to be just to keep going. Then something knocks that wall down or just puts a dent in it and we’re off to the races.

It feels like I’m walking a tightrope. So long as things are going well, it’s just one foot in front of the other. But as soon as I start thinking too much about what happened, or there’s some trigger, or I read someone else’s blog, it’s Cratertown, USA – Population: Me.

Anyway, I’ve beaten those demons back into their cells for the time being, but I think I’m going to limit myself to lighter stuff for the rest of the day. Incidentally, this is my 40th post since I started this blog in a hotel room 5 weeks ago in a fit of alcohol and depression. Just when I start to wonder if I’m going to run out of things to write about…

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Teh Crazy, The affair and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Confession Time

  1. Here’s my advice, and I say this as both a physician and someone who has had depression. You don’t have to tell your doctor WHY you are depressed, you just have to describe your symptoms and ask for help. The fact of the matter is lots of people become seriously depressed with no “reason” except their neurotransmitters get all screwed up. Others topple into it because of things that go wrong in their life, causing the chemicals to get out of whack.

    When I went on antidepressants, I said nothing to my doctor about my EA. I just started crying and said I was having a hard time adjusting to my new city and job, that I was crying a lot and had a history of depressive episodes in my past. You could easily say you have been feeling really down due to some challenges at home and at work. That for some reason you aren’t bouncing back this time and find that you are sleeping a lot/losing interest in your hobbies/gaining or losing weight/etc, etc. Take a depression screen online and see which symptoms you have, then describe those symptoms to your doc. You can even tell him that, that you are worried you are depressed and took a screening quiz that said you were

    I’m telling you, you will be amazed at how much better you feel on meds. I didn’t even stay on them very long, I think January through June. I had a bit of a relapse in July and went back on for the month, but feel fine now.

    Do this both for you and your wife, it will make a big difference

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    • Anonyman says:

      Thanks for your comment. I know logically that’s all true. He’s a doctor, after all, and a darned good one at that. I know I need to just admit that I need help, but being self-sufficient has always been a big part of my identity. I guess despite my logic, I still feel like asking for help is somehow admitting defeat, like once that crack appears everything will just fall apart.
      I thought since I was already seeing him for something else, it would save me from having to make an appointment specifically for that. But, well, you read the post.
      Incidentally, I took some self-tests a couple of weeks ago and I practically aced the ones for depression, bipolar disorder, and sexual addiction. I’ve always been a good test taker.

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  2. B says:

    I am going to say this again to you: show yourself some compassion.
    Take a look at this PT blog post. Are you (at least coming close to) living these principles? If you are, then give it and yourself time. You can stop your self-destructing with compassion. You made a big mistake but you can put it behind you if you have the will.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201408/how-take-full-responsibility-affair

    Like

  3. Have you tried exercise? I am serious. Like every single day. I workout (run) and that has been my saving grace. And it does wonders to bring everything into perspective. Totally lifts your mood. And I don’t do meds/like them either…so exercise is my medicine. Hey, it’s worth a shot…and it’s free 🙂

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