I went to see the doctor about a minor medical issue, and the plan was to also talk to him about going on an antidepressant. But the thing is I’ve been feeling pretty good since last Wednesday or Thursday.
I started psyching myself out about it. “I wasn’t really feeling that bad, was I? Nah, I was just making a big deal of nothing, as usual. I just needed to buck up and feel better. Thank goodness I’m fine now!”
So yeah, I chickened out. When the time came where he always asks, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” I said no. I didn’t want to get into it with another person. I didn’t want to admit to my doctor, who also sees my wife, that I had an affair and have been struggling to hold it together at times. I found it was easier to put up the wall than to face the possibility of hearing either that I had something wrong with me or that the only thing wrong with me is that I’m a narcissistic fuck up.
You know where this is going, right? Of course you do if you’ve been reading this blog for more than about 5 minutes. I started reading someone else’s blog and for whatever reason it sent me tumbling.
My guess is that I compartmentalize things so I can deal with them, but I never unpack them again once they’re in their neat little compartment. I can write a post about how my wife has forgiven me for what I’ve done without really thinking about what I’ve done, or how hard it’s been for her or for me to get through this, or how hard it’s going to be just to keep going. Then something knocks that wall down or just puts a dent in it and we’re off to the races.
It feels like I’m walking a tightrope. So long as things are going well, it’s just one foot in front of the other. But as soon as I start thinking too much about what happened, or there’s some trigger, or I read someone else’s blog, it’s Cratertown, USA – Population: Me.
Anyway, I’ve beaten those demons back into their cells for the time being, but I think I’m going to limit myself to lighter stuff for the rest of the day. Incidentally, this is my 40th post since I started this blog in a hotel room 5 weeks ago in a fit of alcohol and depression. Just when I start to wonder if I’m going to run out of things to write about…