You might say I have a bit of a self-esteem issue. For example, I hate the way I look. I never feel like I look good anymore in large part because I’ve gained about 30 pounds since D-day. Whenever I think about exercising or dieting to drop some of that weight, I know I’ll stick with it for a week or two, then I’ll just gain whatever I lost plus 5 more. Even when I was a healthy weight, I’ve never liked the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, etc. Healthy stuff right there.
Another example is the way or the why I put up walls. I wall people out and I wall my emotions in, because emotions equal vulnerability. I don’t trust people, and I don’t trust people because deep down I’m sure they’d all hate me if they got a peek at the crazy man behind the wall.
This blog is itself a wall. I post anonymously because I feel the need to write, but I want to keep you all at a distance. To the extent I fear losing anonymity, it because I fear that someone will expose me to people I can’t shut out by simply turning off the computer. You’ll notice I almost never comment on other blogs and there is no email address on my blog through which someone might contact me. I live in fear not that you’ll figure out my name, but that you’ll figure out who I really am, and having finally seen the real me, you’ll hate me.
It’s ironic then that I started this blog to avoid that very problem. The plan was to post whatever I wanted no matter what. If no one read it or if everyone read it and hated it, it wouldn’t matter because this blog was for me (as I constantly whined when I started this blog not so long ago).
I know I’m a coward for not opening up to people. I know I need to just face those fears and do it, but every chance I get, I chicken out, put up the wall, and fake out everyone into thinking I’m someone else. I want to stop. I’m tired of pretending, but I can’t stop. I don’t dare stop.