Self-Esteem

You might say I have a bit of a self-esteem issue. For example, I hate the way I look. I never feel like I look good anymore in large part because I’ve gained about 30 pounds since D-day. Whenever I think about exercising or dieting to drop some of that weight, I know I’ll stick with it for a week or two, then I’ll just gain whatever I lost plus 5 more. Even when I was a healthy weight, I’ve never liked the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, etc. Healthy stuff right there.

Another example is the way or the why I put up walls. I wall people out and I wall my emotions in, because emotions equal vulnerability. I don’t trust people, and I don’t trust people because deep down I’m sure they’d all hate me if they got a peek at the crazy man behind the wall.

This blog is itself a wall. I post anonymously because I feel the need to write, but I want to keep you all at a distance. To the extent I fear losing anonymity, it because I fear that someone will expose me to people I can’t shut out by simply turning off the computer. You’ll notice I almost never comment on other blogs and there is no email address on my blog through which someone might contact me. I live in fear not that you’ll figure out my name, but that you’ll figure out who I really am, and having finally seen the real me, you’ll hate me.

It’s ironic then that I started this blog to avoid that very problem. The plan was to post whatever I wanted no matter what. If no one read it or if everyone read it and hated it, it wouldn’t matter because this blog was for me (as I constantly whined when I started this blog not so long ago).

I know I’m a coward for not opening up to people. I know I need to just face those fears and do it, but every chance I get, I chicken out, put up the wall, and fake out everyone into thinking I’m someone else. I want to stop. I’m tired of pretending, but I can’t stop. I don’t dare stop.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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9 Responses to Self-Esteem

  1. B says:

    Has there ever been anyone in your life you let all the way in?

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      My wife, at least for a few moments over the years. I came close with Scarlet. Other than that, not even close.

      Like

      • B says:

        Your dependence on porn and your affair make a lot of sense. You seem to really love your wife but live in fear that if she knew the “real you” (and I am guessing the mirror you use to define that is very distorted and deceiving) she would abandon you. So the things you have described here could all be ways of protecting yourself from that risk. Either by blocking her from knowing that real you by keeping secrets and therefore prohibiting true intimacy, or driving her away so you are in control of the risk. Or both.

        I think I “know” you well…I am in a relationship with someone who shares a lot of your issues and fears. And I don’t think you are an asshole. He certainly isn’t.

        I do apologize if I am wrong here, I am just “listening” to you.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Anonyman says:

          No need to apologize. I appreciate your listening to my ramblings.

          I think it’s both. I have so many secrets not just about what I’ve done but what I think and who I am. I also have a hard time giving up control over my own life. I’m actually quite the opposite to the point of it being a fault with my wife’s life.

          Maybe I should start spilling some of those secrets here. It would be freeing but I’m pretty sure your opinion would be changed.

          Liked by 1 person

          • B says:

            My opinion or that of anyone else who reads this blog should not matter to you. But again I do get you, my friend has told me many times he wants people to like him, even people who have treated him badly.

            You could write password protected entries, and then decide at some future point whether you want to make them public. Maybe try that?

            Liked by 1 person

  2. pabloswife says:

    I’m sorry you have self esteem issues… I’ve always had them too, but thanks to my husband and his decision to go screw a whore they are so much worse 😦

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      I can’t say I’m surprised. We agree that he is the one responsible, but no matter how many times the betrayed spouse hears “it’s not your fault” it’s still hard to shut off that voice that says “you caused this.”

      Just remember that second voice is full of crap. We are all human and we all have flaws, so the responsible party can always find an excuse if they want to. But it’s just that – an excuse to ignore the vows and responsibilities they have. You are worthy of being treated better. You are worthy of being loved and appreciated for all that you are, not just the “good” parts. No one deserves betrayal.

      Like

  3. pabloswife says:

    Thankfully I don’t hear that voice that says I was in any way shape or form responsible for my husband cheating – that was all him! Ultimately he made that decision all by himself. Now if he’d have opened his mouth beforehand and told me how he was feeling and what he was thinking we wouldn’t be in this mess. Could I have done things differently? Absolutely. Would that have stopped him cheating? Who knows. But what I do know is that no one likes to hear “I’m attracted to someone else”, “I’m contemplating having an affair” but it sure beats “Honey, I fucked a pit faced whore!”

    But you’re so right, no one deserves betrayal, they really don’t. Thanks to my husband I now know that there’s not one single adult human being on this planet who has my back. He was my rock, my safe place and now he’s not 😦 Do I still love him? Unfortunately, yes. Do I like him? Not like I used to.

    He broke my heart and changed me and my life forever. I will never be the woman I once was and that’s all on him and his whore </3

    Liked by 1 person

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