It occurred to me yesterday as I was reading some similarly themed blogs that there is danger in writing this blog. I’m not particularly afraid of someone I know reading this and figuring it out and not just because I’m careful not to include too many details. I feel guilty about having the affair, but I don’t feel like I’ve said or done anything with this blog that I should be ashamed of.
No, the danger is that I’m writing about myself and sharing some pretty deep stuff. As a result, I’m interacting with quite a few women (still only have the one male reader) who either have had affairs of their own or have been betrayed by their spouses. In other words, I’m having deep conversations with vulnerable women while I myself am also vulnerable.
I’ve been cognizant of this for a few weeks now and I’ve been wrestling with it. I’m not planning on shutting this blog down because it has been beneficial to me. Surprisingly enough it’s been helpful to others as well.
I guess I’m just saying that I can see how my concern for my readers and the open way in which I write could be an avenue to having another affair. I don’t plan on changing that, but I’m letting you know that I’m being careful. I do NOT want to even start down that road with any of you. I care too much for my wife, my family, myself, and for all of you to let that happen.
Or maybe I’m just talking a load of bollocks and I’m the only one who feels that way. If so, that’s even better. What do you think: am I being paranoid or just cautious?
Isle of A Man 
Perhaps being paranoid leads to being cautious? I am only able to discern how/what you feel from what you choose to share here. If you feel a stronger pull than sharing/supporting others then that’s an issue that you definitely need to address. But I preface that comment with acknowledgement that I am happily married. I read your blog because it’s real and has drawn my curiousity about how the process and progress of rebuilding your life and relationships.
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With the stakes being so high, I kind of think a bit of paranoia and a lot of caution are probably good things. In any case, I don’t feel a strong pull towards anyone in particular. That’s what I’m hoping to avoid by being aware of the danger and defending against it.
One thing that I realized after the affair is how many times I had been in the danger zone with female friends in the past. I didn’t recognize it then, but now I do. I don’t want to get into the danger zone with any of my readers because I don’t trust myself the way I did before. I shouldn’t have trusted myself then either, but now I know my heart can’t be trusted to automatically choose the right thing to do.
Thanks for reading. It’s messy and I’m half crazy, but at least it’s entertaining 🙂
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This is your blog and you have been through a lot and are entitled to feel and “be” as messy and as crazy as you feel in the day-to-day recovery and rebuilding process. I am not entertained so much as encouraged and impressed by the ebb and flow of your emotions and positive descriptions of your wife and your relationship.
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If your interaction with anyone, either here or anywhere else, even plants the most minuscule of a seed of thoughts of an affair in your head then you should shut whatever that avenue is right down!
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Agreed.
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I agree with Janelle. I think being paranoid can lead to being cautious. And I think you are right as well – those can be good things. Remember to lead your heart – not follow it, for “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9).
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I’d like to think that having broken your wife’s heart once you would never put yourself in that situation ever again. I’d like to think that even if a woman stood naked in front of my husband and offered herself to him, he would run a mile. If not, then I’m really not sure what I’m doing staying with him. He may (or may not) have got a second chance, there will be no third chances. The fact that you have even had these thoughts, however fleeting, would be devastating to your wife!
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I’m going to say this once and I hope you listen. Do not come onto my blog and spew your bitterness and your hatred at me again. If you cannot read my blog and come to the same conclusions about me as every other reader, then you are the problem, not me. I am not going to have another affair. I am writing posts like “Danger Zone” to affirm my commitment to not letting things go too far, to not ever starting down the road to too far. I am writing this blog because I am committed to fixing my marriage and myself, and this blog helps with that.
You clearly have unresolved anger and bitterness. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling or that will destroy your marriage more completely than your husband’s past affair ever could.
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WOW… if you think THAT was spewing bitterness and anger then you’ve clearly never seen bitterness and anger! The only people I am angry with are my husband and his whore, quite frankly I really don’t care what you do or don’t do. My post was actually, for the most part, about my husband, not you. I was merely pointing out that any thoughts of an affair, however fleeting, would be devastating to your wife.
FYI… you’re right, I do have unresolved issues, I do have moments of anger and of bitterness because 10 months ago MY husband of 20 years, the father of MY children broke MY heart when I learned that he had had an affair with a coworker.
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No, that wasn’t too bad, I’m just having a shitty day. I’m sorry I went off on you like that. I know you’ve been hurt and I know any bitterness that gets expressed on my blog comes from that.
For the record, my wife is glad I do this kind of introspection because it means I won’t be blind-sided in the future. She knows I don’t want another affair and she is starting to trust me, but she understands that I’m capable of it just like everyone else. Unlike before, I know where that path leads and I’m avoiding those pitfalls.
FYI, when you call your husband’s AP a whore, you are also implicitly referring to me and many other people that way. We all in our own ways did what she did, just not to you. I get the anger and I am sorry for having a short fuse today, but I will ask that you tone the language down.
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I don’t think you are being paranoid. I think you are being real and honest. It is a risk knowing that previously, when you communicated with someone of the opposite sex, it eventually led to an affair. That isn’t to say you have to live in a cave the rest of your life and never speak to a woman. But now you know what you are capable of. So you must guard against it…
Before I started my blog, my husband and I discussed this very topic. My advice is to guard your marriage. If writing this blog becomes an avenue for you to cross any lines of trust, then you need to shut it down!!! Run, run run. Just like you said earlier….if you knew what you knew now, you wish you would have run away from Scarlet at the very first moment. So if you get that inkling/pull towards someone else, then share it with your wife immediately. That’s what I do now. Danger lives within the secrets we keep from our spouses. Once you shed light (truth) on any situation, it diffuses it. And it no longer has a place to live in your heart or mind. You control it, rather than it controlling you.
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I agree with most of the points above. I get the journaling aspect of blogging, the revealing of your most darkest thoughts. However, if you start to engage and communicate beyond posting your thoughts, that equals trouble with a capital T.
Have you given your wife full view of your phone and emails? If so, does she also have access to this blog? If the answer is yes, and you discuss boundaries (which are really at the root of all of this), then reset, reboot and work within those boundaries. If you can’t, then you are not being honest or honorable to your wife.
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As usual, the usual BS’s haven’t read what you’ve actually written. Instead, they put their own hostile assuming spin on it.
What I read was you saying that you’ve been conversing with other vulnerable females who *could* construe your conversing as a come -on..
BUT you were posting this post to make it known that, other than a friendly ear, NOTHING was further from your mind.
With the greatest of respect, you’re relatively new here – you’ll soon get to know which BSs are incapable of making a posting without unleashing their frustration at their husbands on everyone else.
PS – you in the UK and fancy a chat?! *JOKE*
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The angriest and most bitter ones can only manage to turn every single comment into an opportunity to talk about themselves and their problems. They spew the same sad facts of their (sometimes long-ago) betrayals over and over and over again like a never ending chorus. They completely lack empathy and are totally unable (unwilling?) to see anything other than the blackest shade of black. You can tell their marriages are doomed…
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I think you are being cautious and rightly so. You do have to protect your heart and your family above everything else. Emails etc can make it very easy to start an emotional relationship. Know your boundaries and protect them at all costs, even if it means you need to stop communicating with someone. I think you are in a good
place in yourself that you recognise this and are being cautious.
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I created my blog so I could get out the emotions I felt were trapped inside of me. The kind words people offer console me. Some of the bitterness (within reason) is deserved. But I agree with the other comments. You should do what will make you a better person not tempt fate.
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Keep on, keeping on… whatever helps YOU…
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You are not being paranoid, in fact it is a very relevant point you make. My wife was triggered but one woman who offered her personal email to both of us in an effort to offer support and friendship. To support her I removed the comment feature until her condemns faded through discussion. Even now I am cautious about any interaction with anyone to protect my wife from further harm, something I should have done in the beginning.
You are on the right path and stay vigilant to anything which may cause her pain. Blogs can be a source of healing but also triggers. We now walk the thinnest of tightropes to protect our injured spouses. We gladly do it for the love we have and the hope which holds us from falling. I do it to help my wife heal and cone back to me.
Take care!
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Lol. I’m sorry. I got a little giggle outta this one. This isn’t exactly the place for hookups. Most of the women I read are more apt to take a meat mallet to a pair of balls than let a man emotionally close. 🙂
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Hookups, no, but emotional affairs, yes.
I don’t think all women would be vulnerable in this situation, but there is a significant percentage for whom their marriages are over or circling the drain, their husbands haven’t been meeting their emotional needs for years, their husbands are unrepentant and uncaring, etc. And then you have me. I talk to these women and I share my experiences and my thoughts. I’m sympathetic and I care about them and their feelings. I’m genuinely sorry for what I did and I’m trying to make my marriage work.
I’m not saying I’m all that, but it’s not inconceivable that I’m fulfilling a need for them that hasn’t been met by their husbands. That is exactly how my own affair started. It’s also possible that I’m saying and doing the things these women are desperate for their own husbands to do.
I don’t think there’s many betrayed women out there that would start an affair with some cheater with a blog, but I have quite a few readers. For my part I don’t want another affair, but I didn’t want the first one either, so I’m being careful.
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