Still commenting.
I don’t read them. I check my spam filter every few days just to make sure I’m not missing something, but it’s all Luis Vuitton bags, weight loss pills, and 3-4 paragraph long comments from everyone’s favorite troll.
When I started this blog, she was one of the first people to find it and comment on it. She trolls the adultery, infidelity, and affair tags on WordPress looking for new victims to harass. Other readers tried to warn me, but I was new to blogging. I thought, “I’ll just give her a chance. Maybe these people just don’t like her and are trying to make her look bad.”
That was at first. After a week or so, I came to realize they were right. There wasn’t anything I could post that would meet her standards for how repentance and remorse should look. I don’t think she deliberately does it because I’ve come to believe she is mentally ill. She apparently has some sort of compulsion that drives her to spend hours each day trolling blogs and writing comments knowing that they are going straight in the trash. I have had her sent to spam for over a month and she still replies to every single post I make.
And it’s not just cheater blogs, she trolls everybody who isn’t making the exact same choices she does. Over the weekend I read a blog from a man who was betrayed, and, sure enough, she was in the comments telling him how wrong he was for not doing things “the right way.” He tried to respectfully disagree and then to “agree to disagree,” but she was incapable of allowing even the slightest disagreement.
I have not personally witnessed it, but I’ve heard stories of her harassing people who have not even had affairs. Because her husband and his affair partner both claimed to be struggling with depression or bipolar disorder before their affair, she has taken it upon herself to be nasty to sufferers of these conditions.
She sees things as black and white, and if you’re black she will harass you and be nasty towards you. If you don’t appreciate it and tell her off, she takes that as confirmation that she was right about you. The best thing to do with a person like that is ignore them. Send them to spam or trash and don’t read, don’t react, don’t respond.
The only reason I’m writing this is because there are a lot of other bloggers out there who don’t know how unhinged this person is. I’m doing this as a community service. If she has been nasty towards you or if she has harassed you, please post your story in the comments. If you see her commenting on someone else’s blog, especially a new blogger, please link this post so they will know she is a toxic, obsessive-compulsive, judgmental lunatic. Hopefully we can prevent her from harming any more people with her bad advice and harassing behavior.
Isle of A Man 
I went back and read all of the post you had written. (I hope that some of your depression has lifted.). For some reason after reading all of them I thought about a friend of mine who told me the story of her divorce. It happened a few years before I met her. Her youngest child was in her mid teens when her husband came home from work one day and told her he was leaving. He said he had not been happy and he wanted to find out what was out there. I asked her how she could be such a happy person and she said that she had learned as a child what loss was about. She said she had to learn to go on after the death of her mother when she was young. After that she was moved from relative to relative and was finally married at 18. She said she had to learn to find inner strength because there was no adult to give her the comfort she needed. She thought her husband was happy. There were no signs that he was not. She is not sure if he was already having an affair but not too long after he left he was involved with another woman. After a couple of years they married. Several years after that he came to her one day and ask if she would think about reconciling with him. He told her that the grass is greener cliché was so true. He had not been unhappy. He had just gotten bored but not with her, not with their children, not with his job. He had just hit a spot in his life that he would have recovered from eventually. Instead he chose to go find excitement outside of his marriage. By that time she had moved on emotionally and did not want him anymore. I asked her if they really did have a good marriage and she said they did. She said they did many things together. She and her husband often did things with the children but they also did things just as a couple. She was totally blindsided by what he did. I guess I bring this up because you, and many other people, talk as if the love of your life is the person you had the AFfair with. What would happen if you had left your marriage and married the other person. Surely the sparkle would have faded and you would have been left with another day to day humdrum life. A life that most of us live. As I watch the news I am so thankful for my humdrum life. Do you think marriage with the other woman would have made you happy, would have lasted, would have made you regret it?
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I’m not sure where you keep getting the idea that I thought Scarlet was the love of my life. I’ve never said or thought Scarlet was the love of my life. I’ve explicitly stated in at least three or four places that she was inferior to my wife and that I didn’t want to leave my wife for her. I want to be married to my wife because I love her and she loves me, because I know my greatest chance of happiness is with her, and because it’s the right thing to do.
I don’t mean to be rude, but I can only assume you skimmed the blog because I’ve answered these questions directly and repeatedly. I can’t speak for all those other people, but I would not have been happy, it wouldn’t have lasted, and I would have regretted it. My depression was preexisting and has been exacerbated by the guilt and shame I feel for what I did, not because I didn’t run off with Scarlet.
Please, go back and reread my blog, especially the pages “Would I” and “Was it worth it?” linked at the top of my blog. I also recommend reading Missing and Regretting, Realizing Your Wife is Awesome, and Realizing You’re a Selfish Bastard. Please do not assume, as the troll does, that any lingering feelings for Scarlet mean I’m still in love with her and want to be with her or that I’m somehow not committed to my marriage because I can think of Scarlet as anything other than a no-good whore. It obviously doesn’t make sense to you, but please try to take me at my word because I am being as honest as I can be on this blog.
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I read them all, but, you say you loved her, you miss her, you still want to hold her. I am not the troll(although I think she angers many of you because she never backs down from hating cheaters) but I can only get ideas from your writing. I am sure you love(d) your wife. Never thought you didn’t but you pursued, and had a physician and an emotional affair with, another woman. And it lasted long enough for someone to find out. How long would it have continued? Who knows. I brought up my friend because her husband finally admitted he just got a little bored with life so he dumped her and broke his children’s hearts. You write that it was not worth it yet you still miss her. I really do not get affairs. I am beginning to think many of you who commit adultery suffer from low grade depression so the “high” you get from the secret phone calls, texts, emails, sneaking around, lying and knowing you might get caught give you the “rush” you need to alleviate the sadness for a while. There really isn’t anything else that makes sense. You have damaged your wife for life and your depression is back. I guess I judge because of the collateral damage. It never completely goes away.
There is a blog that assumes all cheaters have NPD. Do you think that is true?
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That’s reductivist BS. I’m sure some do have NPD, but you can’t generalize like that. I would not be surprised, however, if the majority of cheaters (especially non-serial cheaters) cheat to alleviate some underlying problem such as depression.
Just because I occasionally miss her (and considerably less now than when I wrote that – maybe this blog is helping after all?) does not mean I’m not committed to my wife or my marriage. You are inferring far too much from a few comments despite the fact that those inferences are in direct opposition to clear statements to the contrary.
As for the troll, I dislike her not because she had a different opinion from which she will not back down, but because she is an obsessive, judgmental, harassing, abusive lunatic. She cannot tolerate even the slightest deviation from her own personal views on mental health and cheating. She hates not just cheating, but all cheaters (since none are sufficiently remorseful). She is an awful person not because of what her husband did or what I did but because of her irrational hatred and the harassment that results from that.
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You are so right about the troll. She is seriously unhinged. The people who defend her haven’t seen the kinds of things she write and we don’t publish on our blogs. They haven’t looked hard enough to see the absolutely, tricking crazy that she writes on non-cheaters blogs. One of the most disturbing things is where does she get all the time to write? She claims to be a lawyer and mother of several children and yet she writes such an enormous volume of comments, I’m not sure that can possibly be true. She is proof that being betrayed doesn’t mean you are a good person in any way possible. I feel sorry for her children
Hang in there
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Lolol she’s no more a lawyer than I’m Kate Middleton!
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I realize that bloggers are in the minority of people who cheat or are cheated on. It skews things. The only ideas we can take away from these are what is written by you and other adulterers. Some blogs I read comes from the “other women” who are still moaning months, and sometimes years, later about how much they miss their affair partners, usually married men. I have no sympathy for them. Most blogs are by betrayed spouses whose pain is still so near the surface that you wonder if they can ever heal. You can blog whatever you want. For some reason your posts come across to me as a man who feels guilty but enjoyed the hell out of the affair. There is one thing about almost all of you who cheated. You have very thin skins. Why shouldn’t others judge you. You hurt your wife! It is likened to abuse because the pain and the lasting affects are abusive. I won’t comment any more because I have nothing to lose either way. My curiosity and sympathy for your wife are the reasons I have written anything. I truly hope you and she have a long and happy marriage.
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Soooooo, my perspective. I read a blog start to finish when I find one that interests me. I couldn’t help but wonder if LetGo got your blog confused with IHadAnAffair’s. He is still absolutely in love with his AP and constantly demonizes his wife, albeit unintentionally, I think. Yours doesn’t read as if your in love with Scarlet.
As far as Nephilia, cut her some slack. I can’t speak for her personally and have had no interactions with her of any kind. Yet I know how utterly devastating the loss of security and to some degree, the damage to sense of self, that follows learning your spouse betrayed you. Some people handle things better than others. You can’t imagine what it does to us. You can read it, be told it, see the tears, etc… But you’ll never understand how deep the wound goes. I’m not saying anything she does is right, or wrong for that matter. Just maybe don’t out her on blast and continue to delete it? Maybe how she’s leaching the venom from her soul is attacking others. My pain makes me feel angry, bitter and violent, I’m lucky enough that it dissipates on it’s own. Maybe hers needs a target and release. She’s absolutely in the wrong if that’s what’s happening but a little empathy makes you the better person.
Personally, I like your blog and I’m a betrayed spouse. (I don’t use bs cause I automatically think bullshit when I see the acronym, lol). On my worse days if I come across one of your posts it helps. I know my husband too, regrets letting someone in his life. It helps to have a reminder that men who stray do regret it. It helps me believe him just a little when my feelings override my brain. 🙂
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I’ve tried cutting her some slack. I let her go for about a week before I told her to back off. She didn’t and I eventually told her to stop commenting because she was banned. Even after that, she continued commenting for another week and I thought maybe I had been too harsh, but the comments were just insane and nasty towards me and other people. That’s when I finally said enough is enough and set my spam filter to eliminate her comments completely. That was about a month ago and she continues to comment on every post. I don’t read them, but from the first couple of lines that I see before I hit “permanently delete”, I can see she is still hurling insane, hurtful accusations.
You’re probably right, though. I should have more empathy for her. In general I do empathize with betrayed spouses (I also can’t ready BS without thinking “bullshit”), but as an unrepentant hater, she makes it very difficult. I don’t doubt that the affair hurt her deeply, but she’s had three years since it happened. She has used that time not to heal but to seek out, harass, and hate dozens of other people. That is just sick.
I have a great deal of sympathy for betrayed spouses. However, I do not have to put up with abusive, harassing behavior from my commenters. If it was just me she was harassing, I’d let it go and move on with my life. But when I see her giving terrible advice to other betrayed spouses and when I see her being abusive to other cheaters and other people struggling with depression, I feel like I have to say something and call her out for the good of everyone. Maybe that’s beneath me. I don’t know. I just know that when I wrote that post yesterday, I had had enough.
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Oh wow. I didn’t even know it’s been three years for her. That does make it a weeeeeee bit over the top. I still can see why she would do it. I have no sympathy and quite a bit of venom towards active mental, emotionalor physical cheaters but… I dunno. I just know how I feel and figured maybe she let the rage take control. To me, it’s understandable how it could happen. You never have to let someone harass or abuse you. I also don’t agree with some of the comments I’ve seen her post, at least in part. I just felt the need to give it some perspective. It’s a very ugly place were sent to when learning we weren’t loved or respected by the one person closest to us, the person we vowed to share our lives with. Very, very, ugly. I can absolutely see a person changing and becoming darker once emerging from this hell. That’s actually a worry of mine. I feel the venom and bitterness trying to become part of me. I just wonder if that’s what happened to her. If it is, I feel for her. We could any of us become the same way.
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There but for the grace of God, eh? I see what you mean. My wife has had to make a conscious decision not to wallow in the pain, anger, and misery of what I did. She didn’t want to become a bitter, toxic woman because of what I did. It was at least partly a stubborn thing for her – she wasn’t going to let me and what I did turn her into something she didn’t want to be.
I’m feeling pretty convicted by your comment. I may go back and delete the post. I still think I have a good reason for leaving it up, but perhaps the kindest thing I can do for Nephila is to just continue ignoring her. She is, after all, a very broken woman even if it’s the result of her own choices (which I can totally relate to). I’ll think about it, but don’t be surprise if the body of the post gets replaced with a mea culpa.
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Lol. It’s all stubbornness for me too. I like me. I don’t want to be someone else just because letting go of being wronged is hard. I dunno about deleting it, it’s your blog. Your thoughts belong on it. I just thought another perspective is always beneficial. You know the saying…behind every bitter woman is a man whose hurt her. Her venom could be unresolved pain. At least your open minded enough to consider it, bravo. 🙂
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To let go, all cheaters aren’t depressed. My husband isn’t and wasn’t. He strayed emotionally simply because he was overseas and that’s the culture on the bases there. There was only one elderly man he came across that wasn’t seeing someone while deployed as civillian contractors. That same man warned him to keep his distance because it was so easy to forget the real world when wrapped up in that one. He of course, failed to heed golden advise and allowed a base whore to get too close, then he fell for her. Sadly for him, he fell for a personality designed to entice, she wasn’t even the same person she is in real life. Then years later when I found out he reached out to apologize to this foreign “sweet girl” for the havoc I wreaked on her life. He slipped again. This time however I allowed him to keep talking to her, so he could see. She was horrible. Turns out there’s a whole slew of foreign girls who work those bases in the hopes of catching money. Her internal ugliness came to the fire fairly quickly. This second time he did it just cause the rush of having a secret and having another woman fawn over him was addicting. No depression to it. Simple selfishness, arrogance and lack of foresight nearly ended our marriage.
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You should have sympathy for those women. They either don’t realize what they did was wrong or are unable to move on. Either way it’s sad that these women are broken from their own affairs. The Bible speaks of such people as being captives and slaves to their sins.
Let me tell you something about affairs. Affairs are fun and they are fulfilling – otherwise people wouldn’t have them. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. I’m sure illegal drugs are fun and fulfilling, too. That doesn’t make either drugs or affairs good things. And like drugs, affairs will destroy your life. That fun and fulfillment are temporary and come with a terrible cost to yourself and your loved ones. Admitting these things doesn’t make me unrepentant or unfeeling, it makes me honest.
Let me tell you something else, for those of us who have chosen to stay with our loyal spouse, we couldn’t do it if we had thin skins. Whatever you or Nephila or any of my other commenters say pales in comparison to what I got from my wife the last year and a half. If I had a thin skin, I would have walked.
I don’t have a problem with someone making a judgment and saying “You were wrong.” I know I was wrong. I know I hurt my wife. I know every little detail and nuance of the betrayal and I acknowledge they were all wrong. What I have a problem with is someone trying to apply an impossible, inflexible standard to everyone else based on incomplete knowledge and then judging them to be bad people when they don’t live up.
I appreciate your sympathy towards my wife. She has been blameless in all of this. She didn’t ask for this, but I put her through hell by my actions. However, I’ve been by her side through this and she’s been by mine. We’re walking this road together and I too hope for a long and happy marriage.
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I think pain makes people act out in different ways, whether you are the person causing pain to others or you are a receiver of that pain. I also believe a person does not choose to cause pain just for spite. I think they are in pain as well.
We all read and write blogs for our own purpose and path to understanding. At least, I hope that’s the reason – it is for me. I do read all kinds of blogs to gain perspective, to shake my head, to gasp at the audacity, to applaud and to cry.
I agree with all comments on this post to some extent. I agree with Sassy and empathize with Nephila. She has experienced a huge amount of loss. Yes, her tongue can be sharp and she wields it like a sword at times. But, sometimes those who seem the most harsh are the ones that feel the most. Trust me, I roll my eyes at some of her comments (those that you publish), too, but I also understand her point. For those who are cheaters, you are all on a different timeline of acceptance, acknowledgement and remorse. Some are still in denial that they did anything wrong. Some OM/OW are also in that denial fog… I know it takes time to get out of the fog and understand the full depth of the pain you’ve caused. As a cheater’s wife, I hope you all get there sooner!
As for you, Anonyman, I really am happy that you are working toward a happy marriage. A wife never wants to be (or feel) second best in the eyes of her husband. It’s one of the worst feelings. Keep up your positive work and tell your wife each and every day that you choose her and only her.
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I’m curious, what do you make of the fact that she continues to comment on blogs where she has been asked to leave, knowing that her comments go into the trash or spam folder?
I don’t think she does what she does specifically out of spite. I just think she is a hateful person who doesn’t care who she hurts so long as she is right. Being right in a way designed to give offense seems to be how she expresses her pain. It may be understandable, but it isn’t right.
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I can’t explain Nephila. She’s her own woman. Would I do the same as she? Probably not. Just like I understand your pain, I understand hers to an extent.
Do I call bullshit when I see it? Yup. She just does it differently!
She just wants you to see the error of your ways 😉
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Saying she calls bullshit differently is like saying Kool-Ade man enters the room differently. Besides, who the hell is she to insist that I’m somehow wronger than I freely admit to being? Once or twice I can see, but dozens of times since being banned? To the extent that her way of doing things is ever justified, don’t you think it should be reserved for the unrepentant guys who don’t care that they’ve hurt their wives?
I’m probably just beating a dead horse here since I don’t appear to be convincing anyone, but I don’t think her behavior is excusable even with the pain she’s been through. I empathize, but she has a choice whether or not to be a bitter, angry harpy to every single cheater with a blog (not to mention betrayed spouses who just aren’t doing it right).
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It’s your choice to read or post her comments. I just was pointing out that each of us express our pain in different ways. I guess I align more with her because I’m a woman who was betrayed. Consider it a sisterhood, if you will.
She may not be your cup of tea and it’s your right to have her comments go to spam.
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Well, like I said to another commenter, I need to empathize more. I can’t quite shake this feeling like I made a complete ass of myself even posting about her. I know the kindest thing I can do for her is ignore her.
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Sounds like “she” has far too much time on her hands. 🙂 You did the right thing ignoring her.
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No one should have THAT much free time on their hands.
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Hahah agreed.
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It’s true, she’s commented on all of my mental health posts because I have Bipolar disorder.
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Wow, I just read your Troll post. That woman is seriously unhinged (but I already knew that). Her blog must be all dartboard pics and boiled bunnies – it’s no wonder she had to lock it down. I’d be interested to hear what a therapist would have to say about her. OCD seems like an easy diagnosis, but the lack of empathy and histrionics could be a sign of BPD, too.
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I have BPD and I don’t want to be with the likes of her. Haha. I dunno, she keeps calling “the mistress” a sociopath — maybe she’s really the one who is.
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Sorry, I meant the other BPD – Borderline. But, yeah, I’ve wondered if she’s projecting with her “sociopath” comments
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Haha no I know, I have both. BD is bipolar; BPD is borderline. But it’s cool, I know we can be crazy sometimes. I just wonder why, on the blogs where someone admits to cheating, she never blames her husband. But on the blogs where someone has been cheated on, it’s all his fault. I’d really liketo get inside her head.
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If you have BPD, then let me say you are high-functioning compared the few I know IRL.
Yeah, my personal theory is that she does her crazy internet lady thing because she has unresolved anger at her husband. She seems to have transferred it to the other woman and to random cheaters on the web, so by turns she hates OW and cheaters or treats her husband like a dog whom she stays with only because he hates other cheaters (including himself) as much as she does (allegedly). Might be reading a bit too much between the lines, but I’d be surprised if I’m WAY off.
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I completely agree with both parts.
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I have said this before on other blogs. I seriously think she is in prison or a mental institution.
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No, I can tell from her IP that she travels between Melbourne and Sydney.
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Hmmm…well, as we have been enlightened quite LOUDLY by the geniuses in the midst of a shitstorm on another blog, IP addresses are meaningless 😀
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True, but I doubt mental patients and convicts have access to TOR
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Well, now it has started a revenge blog: http://floggedbywarmlettuce.wordpress.com
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That’s brave. (eyeroll) I guess she just wasn’t reaching enough people with her private blog. I don’t know if I should be sorry or happy for the part I played in the launch. As unstable as she is, she’s going to end up turning off even more people with her second blog and will have to make that one private, too.
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