Have I Been Unclear?

I know I tend to ramble on my blog. I know I tend to blow hot and cold on certain things depending on whether I’m feeling depressed or not. I know my own feelings are conflicted.

But have I been unclear on how I feel about Scarlet and the affair? Have I given the impression on this blog – taken as a totality – that I thought Scarlet was the love of my life? Have I given the impression that I’m still in love with her? Have I been unclear on how utterly stupid I was to have an affair and how completely I regret having it?

These questions are not rhetorical. I fully admit I don’t have perspective on this. To me I feel like whatever I’m feeling any given day, the things that stay constant are my desire to be married to my wife and my knowledge that I made a huge mistake. However, I know with my ramblings and my changing moods, I may not have been completely clear on this at all times. I know I probably don’t see the trees for the forest (or is it the other way round?).

So I ask again, have I been unclear?

If I have in any way been unclear:

  • The affair was a stupid, selfish mistake
  • I regret having the affair and not just because I was caught
  • I regret all the little mistakes that led to the affair
  • I do not want to see Scarlet again and I certainly do not want to resume the affair
  • I never wanted to leave my wife for Scarlet and I would not have been happy in such a marriage
  • I do not love Scarlet
  • I do love my wife
  • I want to be married to my wife
  • I want to make my marriage work
  • My depression is not because the affair ended. Having the affair made it worse, but I was depressed for months if not years before I had the affair
  • I am completely 100% responsible for the affair and I was 100% in the wrong. The only one who shares my fault for the affair is Scarlet

About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Editorial Note, The affair and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Have I Been Unclear?

  1. Janelle says:

    I read the comment that prompted this post and wondered if I had missed something. I do not think you have been unclear. If anything, I think you have been fair and balanced in your analysis and description of your feelings, your conflicts, and the overall difficulty of living with yourself after this major mistake.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I do try to be fair and balanced, and above all honest. But sometimes things that are clear in my mind (as much as anything is clear) don’t come through in my writing. It’s frustrating when you’re pouring your heart out, and people take it the wrong way and draw the wrong conclusions about you. It makes you wonder if you’ve deluded yourself into thinking certain things that aren’t true and only an outsider with better perspective can see how you really look.


      • Janelle says:

        As another commenter pointed out, this is an emotion-charged topic and there are many hurt spouses out there. Those men and women who have been so dreadfully hurt may find it challenging to believe any unfaithful spouse regrets his/her actions. Because you are honest in admitting the affair and its impact on your wife, it could be difficult for them to view any statement you present at value.

        For what it’s worth, what I get from your posts is you are remorseful and trying hard to repair the damage you have done. It will not happen overnight and the scars will linger long after the healing is done. But that’s life – we make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I appreciate how highly you speak of your wife, and frankly, I feel her opinion of you is the most valid and the one that matters most.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey there, friend. The problem BS have with your blog is that you don’t seem to hate Scarlet–the ones who visit these sites think that is a requirement–that you think she is a skank and a whore and manipulative. You better add in that she said horrible things about your wife as well. And then throw darts at her picture

    I do think that your affection for Scarlet has evolved over time, but I think that’s normal. I am a year out and sometimes I’m angry at Jack, sometimes I resent him, sometimes I love him. I think that when you write a blog and let loose when you have emotions, critics will look at two different posts and point out what seems like inconsistencies but really has more to do with where you were in the moment you wrote the posts. For me, overall, I love Jack, I just can’t be around him because it is destructive for me. And I think it’s best for his marriage that he not be in contact with me either. Whether he loves me or not, I don’t know. I do know he wants to be in touch but doesn’t want to hurt me

    Anyway, hang in there. Keep taking everything day by day and believe in yourself and your wife. You will get to a better place, I know it

    Liked by 2 people

    • Anonyman says:

      The thing is, Scarlet never said anything bad about my wife. Scarlet felt bad about what she was doing to her and so did I. We just cared more about ourselves than we did about our spouses.

      You’re absolutely right, though. I’ve been inconsistent with this blog not because I’m being dishonest but because I feel inconsistent. I’ve also evolved in my emotions and thinking, partly as a result of writing this blog.


      • I totally understand. I will never regret writing my blog, because it ultimately got me to a healthy place. But it’s a process and it’s not always linear. Hang in there and remember you are writing this blog for you, not for the BS in the blogosphere


  3. chely5150 says:

    My, my, my, we certainly are opening the “can of worms” here, so to speak. As a betrayed blogger who has read SOOOOO much about infidelity, betrayal, what ever you want to call it, the fact that that there are many varied opinions on both sides of this story, strong opinions many of them. When you read or write anything posted on the “net” you expose yourself in many ways one would never do in public. Both good and bad. Recently, in addition to betrayed spouses blogs I began reading some cheaters blogs. I felt that learning about what its like on the other side of this story could be beneficial to me. It was sometimes. Other times I could only feel the painful reality.

    For the most part I think most cheaters are remorseful. Whether it’s because they got caught or are truly taking responsiblilty for what they’ve done is for each reader to decide as they interpret the written words filtered through there own unique perspective. You may agree or disagree with an author in varying degrees. Recently I came across a blog that really, really got under my skin. Basically I felt boasting about his affairs and sexual prowless. Since I liked his writing style I kept reading and finally blew!! While i’d like to think that I’m good and respectfully giving my opinion when it differs, I lost it on this one. Really lost it and ripped him a new one. His response made me realize that while my opinion hadn’t changed, being “snarky” as he calls it isn’tthe right way to handle it., I should not have attacked him as I did.

    In my response (which comments are actual posts on both sites) I apologized. Acknowledged my mistake and attempted to say what I felt compelled to say in a more tempered manner. Inviting him to respectfully agree to disagree, He as not responded at all. It says my comment is awaiting moderation, still? It doesn’t really matter to me, maybe I struck a nerve with him this time or maybe I’m turning into a troll as well. I hope not. I don’t want to have the pain 24/7 forever.

    For the most part I find the blogs by cheaters, informative and sometimes interesting. Not in an approving of affairs way, but as really being able to see things from the opposite side of this story. Knowledge is so medicinal to me, even if it tastes bad, I get benefits from it. I n the case of the author of this blog, I think im in the middle on the subject of Scarlet and his continued feelings/thoughts. There are some posts that leave me feeling that you still do have some feelings for her (it might be fog), miss her etc. That you acknowledge that you could never be with her, made a big mistake and for the most part are trying to save your marriage. Yet understanding those briefs comments that you do make about during the affair the good feelings still linger and on occasion still think and long for her (on purpose or not). Your postings indicate that these are lessening if what you say is correct. I do think your trying to do the “right thing”. Sometimes it sounds like your hearts not in it though. That you pretend daily that all is well and that worries me. You sometimes sound as if there is no hope for yourself to anything. You feel stuck between the rock and the hardspot. Because you are a human and in pain, I sympathize with that. I think you write a honest blog about your feelings and emotions, sometimes I agree and sometimes I don’t. But I hope to ALWAYS be respectful of your right to your own opinion and to express it as you see fit. You are a fellow human being, although a cheater and I choose to not wish you to be in such a bad place. Behind the mask you spoke of. It makes me see things about my husband and our story that I had never considered and I worry about him and his mask.

    Sorry to be so long (I’m bad like that) but i’ll end with, as fucked up as this whole nightmare of betrayed and cheaters and all the mess it makes of peoples lives and families. We are each individuals with different stories and emotions but also living and breathing and need to be tactful in our resposes so as to not become too “snarky” in our interactions with one another. You may agree or not but I respectfully give each of you that right. – Whew!!! I need a shot!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      It sounds like even if you aren’t always respectful in the comments, you are willing to admit when you are wrong. I’ve had to admit I was wrong a few times and I’ve had to trash a few posts and comments.

      As far as my feelings for Scarlet, there are times when I think they’re gone and then some trigger will remind me that, no, those feelings are not completely dead yet. I suspect I’ll always have mixed feelings for her, but I’d be happy to be proven wrong in time. I don’t want them and I can’t replace them with hatred. Not only is it wrong to hate people in general, but I have a lot of sympathy for cheaters even though I know they’re wrong. People cheat for a lot of reasons, but it’s always a sign that there is something wrong with them, whether it’s NPD or depression or fear of rejection or whatever.

      I appreciate your comments and I appreciate your reading my blog even though you don’t always agree. I welcome disagreement, so don’t be afraid to post a long comment when you have something to say.


      • chely5150 says:

        Thank you for your kind words. I find it quite helpful to learn how someone on other side of this feels and thinks. I somewhat agree that anyone who allows themselves to become involved in affairs have issues that need to be addressed but I don’t know if its a sign that something is wrong with them. We are all only human. You talk about having sympathy for cheaters, you have none for the betrayed? I know that some can be very negative but our lives have been turned upside down and most are simply surviving the best they can. Just curious. Thanks for sharing.


        • Anonyman says:

          When I say there is something wrong, I mean that to include “issues” as well as more serious problems and conditions. But you’re right, we are all human and I do believe everyone has the capability to fall under the right circumstances. It’s not an excuse, but it is in our nature to sin.

          I have a lot of sympathy for betrayed spouses as well as cheaters. It’s not one or the other, it’s both. Both people are hurt in an affair, obviously for different reasons. Some say the betrayer doesn’t deserve sympathy, but whether they do or don’t they do have it from me. Thank God (literally) that we don’t get only get what we deserve. God is gracious in giving us what we don’t deserve, and so should we be.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I had an affair says:

    Isle, Maybe they are just confusing you and I? 🙂


    • Anonyman says:

      Maybe so. I do seem to get lumped in with all other male cheaters. Not that I think the rest of the male cheaters are awful guys or anything, but as much as you and I are probably similar to each other and other cheaters, we certainly have a lot of differences, too.


      • I had an affair says:

        Indeed. I, personally, find it hard to hate or even dislike my AP… I learned so much about love, life, her and myself that I don’t know how I could. That is just my own journey, my own issues, my own feelings. My whole life, I have never regretted a thing as I learn out of every situation and it makes me who I am. So, I am deeply hated by many BS, rightfully so. However, it does also cause those WS that DO regret their actions to take hatred that myself and people like me cause. I do not love my AP because I am blinded by her, I love her because of who she is and who I have become because of her… hard to hate on HER for MY actions. I was just as willing as HER.


        • Anonyman says:

          Obviously you and I disagree in our perspective, but I’m not going to harass you or hate you. Is it really so much to ask that others do the same? In Christianity we are exhorted to hate the sin and not the sinner, but too often I see Christians acting like that doesn’t apply to big sins. Hatred is not becoming, and it’s not good or healing to anyone.


  5. rac says:

    I have read thru your blog, and most of the comments and do find you sincere. I don’t question your remorse or willingness to make things right with your wife.

    I think as a betrayed spouse (I hate The BS label too) that we sort of expect out cheating husband to “side” with us and “hate” the AP. That is a general statement, like an assumption perhaps.

    Personally I don’t hate my husbands AP. I certainly feel some contempt, but otherwise, I truly just wish she could cease to exist. Please recognize that is different than wishing her ill fate. She has a husband that loves her and is unaware of the affair. She has 2 adult children and 2 more, much younger at home. She has a career and a life. Now, there’s NO sympathy for her. Whatever hell she may be existing in because the affair ended very abruptly, is hers. She contributed to the hell I am in now.

    I wonder what my husband feels for her… His affair lasted years (he still disagrees) but that started emails and texts before 2011. Would meet for coffee or lunch on random occasions. They carried on seemly friends. And I believe they thought they were. The problem is that I never knew about this friendship. That certainly makes it something beyond innocent and no threatening to my marriage. Then in 2014 it became sexual.

    He insists still that he felt nothing for her, that she meant nothing. I call bullshit. She’s been a part of his life for years… And if he felt nothing, WHY? And if it was “nothing” how could it destroy me?

    Liked by 1 person

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