I know I tend to ramble on my blog. I know I tend to blow hot and cold on certain things depending on whether I’m feeling depressed or not. I know my own feelings are conflicted.
But have I been unclear on how I feel about Scarlet and the affair? Have I given the impression on this blog – taken as a totality – that I thought Scarlet was the love of my life? Have I given the impression that I’m still in love with her? Have I been unclear on how utterly stupid I was to have an affair and how completely I regret having it?
These questions are not rhetorical. I fully admit I don’t have perspective on this. To me I feel like whatever I’m feeling any given day, the things that stay constant are my desire to be married to my wife and my knowledge that I made a huge mistake. However, I know with my ramblings and my changing moods, I may not have been completely clear on this at all times. I know I probably don’t see the trees for the forest (or is it the other way round?).
So I ask again, have I been unclear?
If I have in any way been unclear:
- The affair was a stupid, selfish mistake
- I regret having the affair and not just because I was caught
- I regret all the little mistakes that led to the affair
- I do not want to see Scarlet again and I certainly do not want to resume the affair
- I never wanted to leave my wife for Scarlet and I would not have been happy in such a marriage
- I do not love Scarlet
- I do love my wife
- I want to be married to my wife
- I want to make my marriage work
- My depression is not because the affair ended. Having the affair made it worse, but I was depressed for months if not years before I had the affair
- I am completely 100% responsible for the affair and I was 100% in the wrong. The only one who shares my fault for the affair is Scarlet