It’s Wednesday and so far it’s been a pretty good week. I think it’s been about a week since the last time I was really low. I’ve been in more of a writing sort of mood to the point where I’ve had to restrain myself from putting up half-a-dozen posts each day (or more). I hope it’s not TMI, but I actually wanted to have sex for the first time in a couple of weeks and it was great.
How long is this going to last? Because I know this is the calm before the storm, or at least that’s been my experience. I’ve had days where I’ve felt great waking up and going to work and then around midday something will trigger me or I’ll starting thinking, and thinking, and thinking. It goes downhill from there.
It’s become cliche to talk about “the demon”, whether that’s an addiction, a memory, a mental disorder, or whatever. I don’t think I literally have a demon, but there does seem to be a part of me, something deep in my psyche, that takes pleasure in putting me in my place. It’s the voice that says “You’re a fraud. You’re a loser. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You’re selfish. You’re bad at everything. You cheated. No one would love you if they knew you.”
Some days it’s easier to keep that demon in his cage. Other days, I have to turn up the music so I don’t hear his whispering. And then there are the times when it’s quiet and I’m alone, and the whispering is all I hear. I start to agree with it and the whispering becomes a storm, tossing me about like a dingy upon the ocean.
I can feel the storm coming.