It’s Wednesday and so far it’s been a pretty good week. I think it’s been about a week since the last time I was really low. I’ve been in more of a writing sort of mood to the point where I’ve had to restrain myself from putting up half-a-dozen posts each day (or more). I hope it’s not TMI, but I actually wanted to have sex for the first time in a couple of weeks and it was great.
But…
How long is this going to last? Because I know this is the calm before the storm, or at least that’s been my experience. I’ve had days where I’ve felt great waking up and going to work and then around midday something will trigger me or I’ll starting thinking, and thinking, and thinking. It goes downhill from there.
It’s become cliche to talk about “the demon”, whether that’s an addiction, a memory, a mental disorder, or whatever. I don’t think I literally have a demon, but there does seem to be a part of me, something deep in my psyche, that takes pleasure in putting me in my place. It’s the voice that says “You’re a fraud. You’re a loser. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You’re selfish. You’re bad at everything. You cheated. No one would love you if they knew you.”
Some days it’s easier to keep that demon in his cage. Other days, I have to turn up the music so I don’t hear his whispering. And then there are the times when it’s quiet and I’m alone, and the whispering is all I hear. I start to agree with it and the whispering becomes a storm, tossing me about like a dingy upon the ocean.
I can feel the storm coming.
Isle of A Man 
But remember when that demon starts telling you “no one would love you if they knew you”, that your wife DOES know you – and she still loves you. : ) Beat that demon at his own game!
I worry that my H has days like these, but he doesn’t share them with me.
Do you share these days with your wife?
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Not really, and when I do I tend to downplay them. I’ve had mixed results in the past when I’ve shared with my wife. So I take the safe route, put on my happy face, and fake it til I make it.
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I’m glad it’s been a good week for you. Hopefully your storms will become more like “light drizzles” soon. I’m pulling for you & your wife!
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A major depressive episode usually lasts about 6 months, although for some people it is shorter and for other it can last for more than a year. This is true whether you are treated or not. The treatment makes it so you can live your life more normally during those 6 months, but it doesn’t cure it. That’s why you hear the stories of people being depressed, going on meds, feeling great and stopping the meds, then all of a sudden crashing again
Depression does resolve on its own, whether you are treated or not, it’s just a matter of how functional you will be while you are sick. And it is an illness, it is a chemical issue in your brain. So don’t avoid treatment out of some sort of guilt or feeling that you deserve this. If you had cancer or an infection right now, would you not treat it?
I can tell you that I was at my worst in January, held off on getting meds until end of the month. Felt much better by mid-February and stayed on them until June, when I went off. About two weeks later felt myself slipping again so restarted the meds for about 6 weeks. Now I’m off and feel fantastic
I’m not saying you absolutely have to go on meds. But they will help stabilize so you aren’t waiting for the next big dip to come. If you decide not to, just realize that you will be struggling with this for a few months, even if some days feel good
I’m glad you had a good week, btw 🙂
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I know from your posts that you read your Bible. This might seem to simplistic, but have you ever thought of writing out a list of all God says you are? “You are forgiven. You are free. You are strong. You are loved.” Every time your ‘demon’ tries to attack you with your worthlessness, repeat and repeat and repeat why God says you are worthy. Just an idea.
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I know you’re into music. “Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside. It’s where my demons hide, it’s where my demons hide”. We all have them. I think the best advice I can share is to run faster than they can. And silence them at all costs.
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