I haven’t written too much about sex on this blog, despite the fact that it’s basically a blog about my recovery from an affair. In general, I try not to remember the sex that was part of the affair. I also try to respect my wife’s privacy by not sharing the private details of our sex life.
This is one of the few times I’m going to talk about it and I’m going to try to keep a little distance between myself and the guardrails of what’s oversharing and what’s violating my wife’s privacy. In other words, if you’re expecting to hear steamy details, go to Literotica instead.
One piece of advice that my wife and I read before the affair which has become especially relevant since the affair is to “fake it ’til you make it.” That doesn’t mean my wife should fake orgasms (I hope not) or that I should (I can’t). Let me explain.
When a couple is stressed or just busy with life, work, kids, etc, it’s hard for one or both partners to feel “in the mood.” Inevitably when one person is horny, the other person is tired or has a headache or wants to cuddle, etc. For me, I have a hard time being in the mood when I’m depressed, feeling guilty, or just vulnerable.
But clearly, sex is important in a marriage. Got made us to be sexual people (you can’t read Genesis 2:20-25 and tell me Adam and Eve weren’t getting it on before the fall). Human beings are uniquely gifted to have sex as frequently and as intimately as we do. In addition, humans are almost unique in the ability of women to experience orgasm.
In other words, we were made to get it on and mutually enjoy the process. This is good and it is right. Read Song of Solomon some time if you’re in doubt. (Ironically, it was the Puritans who advocated sex for procreation at a time when Anglicans and Catholics still firmly held to the belief that sex for anything other than procreation was wrong. Go Puritans!)
Where was I? Oh right, sex is good for a marriage. If you’re doing it right, you’re focused on giving the other person pleasure as well as taking your own. Anytime you do something good and nice for your partner, that’s going to help the relationship. Doing it mutually is a bonus.
You’re also intimate in a way that a mere hug and kiss doesn’t begin to approach. There’s something about being naked and unashamed with this one person you love and have decided to share your life with (which is why physical adultery is so damaging). It builds emotional as well as physical intimacy. It also helps build trust (so no faking!).
So the problem of course is making it happen. Unless you are going to settle for having sex a couple of times a month or less, one or the other of you is going to have to fake it. Even though you’re not in the mood, you’re going to have to go brush your teeth and get nekkid.
But remember how we’re made for sex? Even if you’re head’s not really into it, your body responds to your partner and your head will follow. For me personally, it doesn’t matter what kind of mood I was in, when we’re naked and my wife gives me that look – you know the one – it’s go time. She knows it and I know it.
And the thing about sex is it’s kind of like pizza. Yep, pizza. Because even mediocre pizza is still pretty damn good. So is sex – get it?
Then a funny thing happens. The human libido is increased by having sex. The more you have it, the more you want it. The more you want it, the more likely you both are to be in the mood at the same time. And I assume I don’t have to tell you what happens when you’re both in the mood at the same time. Ah, yeah…
In addition to increasing your libido, having frequent sex also means your have better sex. Clinical research has shown that couples who have sex on average 3-4 times a week have better sex than those who don’t. They’ve studied it, the randy bastards, and it’s actually a causal relationship which means it’s better because it’s frequent, not frequent because it’s better.
So in conclusion, fake it ’til you make it. You and your partner will thank you for it and it’s good for your relationship. I know it isn’t easy after the pain and turmoil of an affair, but it’s good for your recovery.