Way to go, Interwebs. I had no idea today was Suicide Awareness/Prevention Day until a couple of hours ago.
So is there cake or what? Is this a present-giving holiday?
If I had known about this ahead of time, I would have written something more substantial than the slapdash post that follows.
I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. This is clinically known as suicidal ideation – thinking or obsessing about suicide and means of committing suicide without actually making a plan or making an attempt. Some days are good days and some days are bad days. A lot of days I still wish I had killed myself because now I don’t have the resolve to do it. Many days I think it’s a shame that I woke up alive again and that some disease hasn’t claimed me yet.
Most days there are at least periods where I have to make a conscious choice to keep living. I have to keep taking care of myself. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when I don’t feel like it.
I’ve come to realize that suicide is not the answer. I still think about it and it’s still tempting, but I know it’s wrong. I’m not so concerned about it being sinful – essentially murdering myself. It’s my family that I’m concerned about.
While it is not a helpful thing to tell someone who is suicidal, taking one’s life is selfish. It’s completely understandable, but in the final analysis you’ve decided that ending your pain is more important than the pain you will be causing all the people who know and care about you. Unfortunately, most people in that situation either don’t care anymore because of long-term pain or they just aren’t thinking clearly. If you think no one loves or cares about you, then how can it be selfish, right?
The vast majority of people who think that are wrong. I know I was wrong when I thought that, too. I know that now – people do care about me, people even beyond the family members who are contractually obligated to care about my existence. I hold on to that and it helps me get through the times when I’m tempted. Because I can’t do that to them. I care about them too and I won’t put them through that kind of hell.