The Vortex

I highly recommend you go read conflictedlove’s post The Vortex.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard an affair described as a vortex before, but it fits. The affair was a mistake, but it took a lot of little mistakes to get there. All those little lines that were crossed leading up to the big ones – telling her I loved her, kissing her, having sex with her – were steps leading down into the pit, down into the vortex.

WARNING: HERE BE TRIGGERS!!!! PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Like confictedlove, I tried several times to end things. I’d be strong for a few hours or maybe even a few days, but the attraction was strong. Every time I’d start missing her and the excitement. Like a junkie, I’d crash hard and find myself desperate for a fix – one more email, one more IM, one more time seeing her, feeling her, tasting her, making her my whore.

I don’t use that term lightly. It gets thrown about a lot and it’s almost always meant hatefully. That’s not how I mean it. I didn’t think of it in those terms then, but that’s what I was doing – making her my whore. She was just as addicted to me, if not more than, I was to her. I knew what to say and how to touch her to give her that high. And when she was high, she became a whore – raw, unthinking, single-minded, animalistic desire and sexuality.

That’s when I would get my biggest high – not from the sex, but the gratification of doing that to her, driving her out of her mind with desire and pleasure. I’d never known a high like that before. The other times we were together, when we would talk and share things or just be together – that was a high, too, and I needed that high. But comparing the two is like comparing a few shots of whiskey to a line of coke.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh right, the vortex.

It wasn’t all highs, it was lows, too. What was I doing to my wife and my kids? How could I have let myself get to that place? How could I call myself a Christian and feel that way?

And yes, I’m ashamed to say, one of the lows was that Scarlet and I couldn’t be together. I didn’t want to leave my wife, but I didn’t want to be without Scarlet. It was an inherently unstable position, but I lacked the resolve to go one way or the other with it, which is a pretty low place to be.

I thank God that he saved me when he did. It’s like when you’re a kid and you see the vortex in the bathtub when you drain the water. The vortex looks strong, but all it takes is a wave of the hand and the vortex is disrupted. That’s what God did for me when Scarlet and I were caught in the car. It didn’t immediately fix things, but it disrupted the vortex just enough for me to claw my way out of the hole I was in.

So like I said, go read her post. I didn’t mean to take her post and make my own based on it. You should read it anyways because she says things very differently than I have just now – perhaps a bit more coherently as well.

I know this post probably raised a lot of questions about my affair, so please ask them in the comments. If you’re new here, please read my old posts before you judge. I promise I’m not a monster, I’m just a very broken person who is trying to be honest with himself and with the world. Because conflictedlove is right – we do deceive ourselves before we deceive anyone else.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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6 Responses to The Vortex

  1. Let go says:

    How long ago did your affair end?

    Like

  2. Let go says:

    I think this is why anyone who thinks affairs seem just a tiny bit naughty but, oh, so wonderful ought to have their heads examined! I am guessing you are just now getting “over” yours and your wife probably will never completely recover. For a few months of euphoria two families pay with lifelong pain. Kudos to your wife for having the knowledge to back away.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Couldn’t agree more. They are incredibly destructive and they take a lifetime to fully recover from. I still wonder sometimes if life is worth living after commiting such a life-changing sin. The answer is yes, but it’s not because the mistake was so small, it’s because my wife and kids are such a big deal.

      Like

  3. Let go says:

    This seems like an insult to men in general but there has been a lot of discussion about femme fatales. ( I think I spelled that right. Auto correct had trouble with it.) Anyway, you said your AP let you know she found you attractive. Do you think men can say “no” when “it” is in front of them daily? If your marriage was horrible it might be more understandable but………it just seems you got on board with it immediately. You are an intelligent man. You knew from the beginning what you were doing was wrong. Everyone does. Why didn’t you stop? Because you wanted what was in front of you. That is why I think our culture silently supports this. We want what we want so we get it. Working place romances are everywhere.
    If only our reproductive lives coordinated with our need for excitement and sexual experimentation. If so we could all have our babies in our 40s. Men can but their wives have to be much younger. Sadly, I know several couples who have great age differences and they are not quite as glamorous now that they are older. Sorry, I just think of all the sadness on these many blogs for want of the ability to say “no”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I assume you mean female sexual predators, not female assassins. The thought has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I was merely a notch in Scarlet’s lipstick case. I really don’t think so, but I have already admitted to fooling myself.

      I absolutely think men can say no, but I also think there is a place for fleeing as quickly as possible when temptation arises. You’re right, though. I knew I was crossing lines with her early on. It was selfish to pursue her or at least to allow her to pursue me. There were some half-hearted attempts early on to discourage her. I remember some of them quite clearly.

      What it came down to is I selfishly wanted to be pursued and flattered. On some level I wanted to see how far I was capable of taking it. I still had a hard time imagining a woman really liking me enough to have an affair with me. I’m in no way defending what I did. It was selfish.

      It was also stupid. I wanted what was in front of me, but I thought I had everything under control. I was becoming desensitized to how far I had already pushed things. It wasn’t until things became physical that I realized just how out of control I was.

      Liked by 1 person

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