Hour of the Wolf

If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you are recovering from an affair or struggle with depression or you know someone who is. Each of us has a battle we fight every day. It’s the fight against the doubts and fears in our head. Most of us refer to them as demons or some similar name. Depending on the kind of day we’re having, they might be easy to fight off or they might be hard, but they’re pretty much always there looking for a weakness to exploit. If they find one, they run wild and wreck a lot of things.

For me, there’s a time of day where this is especially likely. I call it the hour of the wolf. It’s a classical reference to the middle of the night around 2 or 3 when you’re helpless and at the mercy of the black thing. You start listening to those voices inside your head and you lose hope.

I have a lot of demons and they have a lot to talk about. My past mistakes – all of them going back to my childhood, remembered in perfect, excruciating detail. Feeling like I’m not going to recover from my mistakes. Feeling like my life has just been a series of one failure after another. Worry that people will find out I’m not really who I pretend to be. Worry that people won’t like me when they finally see who I really am. I’m a procrastinator. I’m lazy. I’m selfish. I’m a liar. I’m untrustworthy. I’m impatient. I’m quick to anger. I judge to quickly and usually wrong. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough. I’m going crazy. I don’t belong anywhere on this earth. The real me will never fit in and my mask is wearing thin. My God, I fucked another woman and I don’t know if I could resist her or some other woman if the opportunity arose. What if I’m a terrible father and I’m ruining my kids? Remember that time I said something stupid and rash? I bet everybody hates me. I bet they talk about what an idiot I am. I bet they pity me for being so pathetic, or maybe they don’t even do that. My wife doesn’t really love me. She probably thinks I’m ugly and a terrible lover. I bet she’s already found someone else.

Every horrible thing that could happen or has happened. All my character flaws laid bare. I’m unlikable, unlovable, stupid, a burden, a bad man who should just go away and make the world a better place. These are the things that fill my head in the dead of night. Those are the accusations and whisperings when all else I hear is my own heartbeat.

I could be having a great day and I could be ending it with a drink and some music or a little quiet contemplation. But then I suddenly find myself up too late and the wolf comes to devour me. I’m not strong enough to shut out all those things I don’t want to hear. Then I turn to thoughts not of bed and sleep, but of rope and escape.

I’ve never believed that early to bed and early to rise will make a man healthy and wise. But there is wisdom in being safely asleep in bed when the wolf awakens. You can’t beat him, so you’d better not be around when he comes calling. Better to face your fears and failures in the light of day than to die by a thousand cuts in the hour of the wolf.

Advertisements

About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Teh Crazy and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Hour of the Wolf

  1. damagedbytheageof3 says:

    You are being incredibly hard on yourself. That said my very name means that I understand you. Aside of the affair, I ticked every box of all your statements of self doubt X X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      It’s not so much that I’m being hard on myself with all of those things now, but those are the things I’m only too willing to believe when I’ve stayed up far later that I should. The hour of the wolf is when all of one’s self-doubts become certainties at the same time.

      Like

  2. I likened it ti the wolf sitting on my lap whispering in my ear, and he could talk, conjuring up every fear I had.

    Getting beyond believing what he says is like climbing a mountain, but I did it, he still comes to visit, but no longer resides in my head thankfully.

    Like

  3. I had an affair says:

    Great description indeed! Mine comes three times a day right now…. I think this is because I tend to feed him every time he shows up at my door. A fellow commenter, Eve, commented on my post about The Mirror Store and what to do when you feel this way… I recommend you reading it. Either way – great description…

    Like

  4. Mine comes all the time it seems. During the day, afternoon, night.. M thinks I am strong enough to deter this failure..

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Would that be eastern, central or Pacific time? Kidding…

    Anonyman let’s be real. You know what this is right? Come on buddy….you know what this is…

    Look anyone remotely into witchcraft or ghost hunting or anything from the “dark side” will tell you there is a certain hour of the night that the demons and devil are out. 3:30 is the peak. I can’t tell you how many times I have been woken up since my husbands confession and my own affair, only to look at the clock at it’s 3:30 on the dot. This is a spiritual battle for sure. You call it the hour of the wolf. Some call it the witching hour. All I can say is anything evil comes from the devil. This reeks of evil, so clearly you need to admonish those thoughts that are being whispered to you by “replacing” them with God’s word. It’s the only thing that will work to exterminate the demons. They run at the word of God, not your own thoughts trying to fight back against them.

    Darn it, you’re going to make me dig up my bible aren’t you? I have a really great verse that me and DH read every night when I was dealing with the crazy neighbor. We had someone from our church come and bless our home and him and his wife shared it with us. They told us to say it every night…so we did. Honestly, I was trying anything I could to stop the craziness at that point.

    And like you, I kept telling my husband of getting woken each night. I could feel the devil sitting on our neighbors fence as ach night I would get woken up and trek into our bathroom. That room faced her bedroom and the moment I would open the door, the bathroom would be freezing. I have never felt such evil before. I wouldn’t look at the window, just quickly use the bathroom. It got to the point where I wouldn’t even use that one anymore. It freaked me out…

    We started reading that verse every night and it honestly helped. One evening, I went back in there at night and there was a cross formation shining through that window. I often think it was God trying to say, “I got this covered kid. Keep your head up and stay strong”. Urgh, just writing this brings back the heebie-jeebies.

    Those voices….they aren’t from God.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I had never heard that about the witching hour, but it makes sense. I doubt the devil observes daylight savings so it actually lines up perfectly. My therapist (I guess ex-therapist now) said much the same thing about where those lies were coming from.

      So when are you going to get back to writing, he asks pointedly. As painful as it is to read, I want to hear your story.

      Like

  6. Lol…I doubt the devil observes daylight savings hour :-). That was funny!

    I hope to churn out something this week, once Viviane is back in school. Stay tuned!!

    Like

  7. B says:

    I am a single woman in a very longterm, intimate (and secret) nonsexual relationship with a married man, and he could have written the third paragraph up to “my mask is wearing thin”. I know all these things about him and have been completely accepting and loving anyway. But I have to admit it is getting exhausting having to constantly affirm, praise, and reassure him after many years. I wonder if he experiences the nighttime anxieties you describe; he has never said.

    A question: are your childhood “mistakes” the kind you would judge or condemn another for? I have worked SO. HARD. to get my friend to be realistic about those he has shared with me, and he is just unable to forgive himself. And believe me, they are harmless. A lot of sports “failures”, plus a heap of childhood nonsense for which he was apparently severely punished by an abusive parent.

    Like

  8. B says:

    Actually he could have written the whole thing aside from fucking another woman, unless he did that in the past. Not with me.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      I never said they were reasonable. The unreasonable seems reasonable at that time (kind of like suicidal thinking, come to think of it). That’s why the hour of the wolf is kind of a special time, in a sick way, because your perception is compromised.

      Like

  9. chely5150 says:

    Well in my opinion, you seem to be on the right track in the sense that you can’t change/conquer what you don’t acknowledge. And your making that attempt so your way ahead of those who won’t even look those demons in the eye. Stand tall, be proud you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got and I think that should be admired. Who of us are perfect (no demons) certainly not me. All just human doing the best we can. Hang in there friend!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s