Ms. Two Cheating Hearts has posted the next part of her affair story here. Her story is hard to read but compelling because I can see so much of my own affair being played out in hers. I find myself saying “don’t do it!” and yet I want to see what happens next. I know what happens next because I’ve lived my own version of it in all it’s awful glory.
Anyway, I started replying to her post but I made it about a paragraph in and realized I wasn’t so much commenting on her post as writing my own self-centered post. I already have a place for that kind of thing – my blog.
But there was also a new element to our marriage post-confession. One that got under my nerves more than anything else. I suddenly had a “yes” husband. I can’t describe it any other way than to say he had become….a wet noodle. He had no backbone whatsoever. And despite being the leader in our marriage, I too needed a soft place to rest my head. I wanted someone stronger than me. Someone to be the leader in our marriage. This wasn’t something I just wanted on a whim. I had desired this dynamic our entire marriage. But now, I craved it. Immensely. Like in the most primal of ways. It had always been lacking in our marriage, but I had somehow been able to quell those desires. But post-confession, my husband changed. And I needed and wanted that alpha-male leader dynamic more than ever.
This sounds familiar. I’m concerned that I’ve become a wet noodle since my own affair. My wife has also had a consistent complaint since we got married about my being too compliant, too much of a yes-husband. With my struggles with depression in particular I worry that I’ve become an overweight, asexual, passive blob of a husband. In other words, not a very attractive man to pretty much any woman.
It’s a tough position to be in. I’ve screwed up my marriage so badly, it’s hard to strike a balance between being supportive and understanding and being a wussy pushover.
And yeah, my wife is an attractive woman. I do worry that some super alpha guy is going to come along and be just the perfect thing for her to lose herself to. As I’ve written about previously, this has almost happened once before already.
I guess the other thing that got me in that post is talking about the racing heart and the dancing back and forth. In the early stages of the affair, I remember the racing heart of thinking I would have a chance to talk to or see Scarlet when I went to work. I remember my own little dance of avoiding and chasing, caught between my desires and my duty to not go to far.
Words cannot express how much I hate that I didn’t do the right thing. Instead of a garage, it was a conference room and I wish I had just run out of there like my life depended on it. I know what I felt and I know why I didn’t, but I wish to God I hadn’t even walked in there. I may not know the details of the next chapter in TCH’s story, but I know what the chapter holds – lines that can’t be uncrossed, actions that can’t be undone, memories that can’t be forgotten, swirling emotions that won’t be quiet. I hate it but I look forward to the next chapter.
Isle of A Man 
Me too! I’ve been following her as well..
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I like that About Anonyman at the bottom of your post now 🙂
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I see similarities in my own situation with respect to not challenging my wife’s wishes or requests. In that respect I have become a yes man but for me it is for several reasons. Most importantly it is because I no longer see the need to be right, to win just for the sake of winning. Looking back, nothing we fought about really mattered. I am not the arrogant know it all prick I was. I also don ‘t as my wife is still very much suffering and the moment I even remotely raise my voice it triggers her. I work hard not to do that. We all have our reasons and differences. Do not see it as a weakness see it as a strength to endure for her sake.
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Perhaps this will help – I’m definitely an Alpha male type of girl. Both hubby and Max. Their hardness, arrogance and dominating type nature is all part of the attraction. While yes-men make great friends – I couldn’t think of anything worse than being in a relationship with one. I might have complained a time (or 100 ;))about my husband being too dominating and/or controlling – really I would like him to just tone it down a little. I could never flip to the other side. Yes men tend to be more romantic and loving and give a girl her own way more ….. It’s not that it isn’t a good thing, it’s just it makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. So – from a woman’s prospective – you can stop being concerned that she will run off with an Alpha male. She married you for who you are and even if she wants you to be slightly more of a ‘no man’… She would never want the opposite.
This has made me wonder though if the Alpha or the less alpha personality is more likely to cheat? That would be interesting! I am enjoying 2CHs posts as well…in a tragic ‘stop now’ type of way.
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I appreciate the comment. The thing is I don’t normally consider myself to be a beta-male. I’ve really let myself go since the affair, but in general I’m still pretty manly. I’m very tall and I have a pretty epic red beard. I fix the cars and anything else that breaks in the house. I’m a leader at work. I’m naturally introverted, but when I speak, people listen. When I lead, others follow. I’m the guy at the restaurant who the waiters and waitresses look to even when I’m with older or more senior men. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’ve got us pretty well protected.
But when it comes to my wife, I’ve always avoided conflict and as a result have felt at times like a bit of a doormat. About six months before the affair, my wife and I listened to a podcast where the speaker said “Your spouse may meet 9/10 of your needs, but it’s the tenth one that Satan will use to make you bitter and vulnerable to someone else who is willing to meet that need.” So I worry about that tenth one – not all the time, but it’s there.
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Ah well that ‘helpful’ comment backfired didn’t it! I wasn’t assuming you weren’t manly just btw.
What if Satan is using that 1/10th but in fact he is only using it against yourself….. So you worry about things like this. Your wife will not leave you for anyone else. She has stayed faithful throughout and loved you despite everything. I’m still sure you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I’m sure you have had your fair share in recent time but don’t be afraid of healthy conflict with her … Gives you more chances to ‘make up’ 😉
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Nah, that wasn’t a backfire, just an opportunity for me to offer more information. You might be onto something there. I’ll try not to worry.
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I really want to chime in and address some of the comments here. But I have been crazy busy! But you certainly have given me some things to think about….I find it quite interesting that the men who have cheated identify with the “yes husband” persona. Perhaps this is a common theme, or rather a common dynamic that gets played out in many marriages post-confession.
All I know is that my husband eventually admitted that he was so damn afraid of making one more mistake (he was petrified of losing me/the kids etc.), he just turned into a different person. One that was afraid to make any decision (mundane stuff like, where do you want of of go eat?), to bigger issues (should we refi the house, the rates have dropped…?). He just sat on his hands, frozen and unable to make any decisions for fear of being wrong or making a mistake…rocking the boat , whatever you want to call it.
This lasted for over two years and it drove me nuts. I had always been the leader in our marriage, but he had definite strong points in ways that I was weak. Overall, we compliment each other/work well together. But having him being frozen, unable to make simple decisions….he just felt like a lost puppy…a wet noodle….following me around, instead of a husband/life partner etc.
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