She’s No Hypocrite

If you haven’t already seen it, Conflicted Love has written a multi-part post about her affair with Max here, here, here, here, and here. I highly recommend you read it. For me personally, I recognized a lot of myself in Max and in CL.

In the final part of the story, she says she never intended to bring God into her blog. She didn’t want to be another hypocritical Christian. (Incidentally, I never intended my blog to become overtly Christian either.) But if you read through all five parts, you’ll see she is repentant. She has remorse. She has regret. She has turned away from the affair and rejected it as sinful.

Is she perfect? No. Does she have every bit of regret that she should have? Probably not. Is she human? Yes. Is she a real Christian, honest about her sin and struggles? Definitely.

She rightly says that what God wants is our heart, first and foremost. Being Christian does not mean being perfect. It doesn’t even mean giving your heart perfectly and always to Him. We stumble. We struggle. We sin. We’re not perfect. And that’s okay because we are under grace. God loves us even when we sin, and he’s there to pick up the pieces when we fall. Sanctification is a process whose destination is on the other side of death.

She is not a hypocrite and neither am I. We acknowledge that we sinned and that it was wrong. We acknowledge our reliance on God’s grace – his strength, his wisdom, his leading – and not our own flawed righteousness. So when we say, “Affairs are wrong. Don’t have one,” we’re acknowledging our own sin and need for forgiveness.

That’s not hypocrisy, that’s a broken and a contrite heart. And as King David, a cheater and murderer himself, said (Psalm 51:16-17):

16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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6 Responses to She’s No Hypocrite

  1. I had an affair says:

    Well said…the book of James, in my opinion identifies Christian hypocrisy for those that believe they ate blameless.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. God had no place in my life until I my collapse. We had many instances where we felt his presence in our healing and now have a closer relationship with him.

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  3. julesedison says:

    So, faith. I keep reading your posts and you obviously are not new to Christianity. You have spent a lot of time with readings, but yet you still had an affair. Not attacking. One of the things that bothered me in the beginning was all the memories of my husband at church and his interest in theology, and he too fell to infidelity. It just still boggles my mind. And perhaps, I’m envious of you and hopeful husband, because you clearly have found faith to be healing and helpful. Faith was such a big part of me. I was never demonstrative, but it was in my core. The morning after the shit hit the fan, I went to church and it was gone. I got to the part of Mass where I would say prayers for each of the members of my family. I had an intimate prayer for each of them. When I got to my husband’s, I just couldn’t continue. My prayer for him was so hurtful to me, because it so clearly addressed how much I was trying to understand his distance. I got really angry with God. Now, our counselor (non religious) looked at me and raised her eyebrows when I expressed this, because with my husband’s new commitment, my prayers had been answered. She feels I just don’t like the way God went about answering my prayer. I suspect she is right. But here I am, three years later, and I still struggle with my faith. Though, I promise, I’m not still livid with God. I try to go to Mass, but I feel so removed. I worry about ever feeling truly comfortable in this relationship, when such a big part of me is gone. Not sure what to do about this, but it is definitely one of the struggles to feel normal again. Wow, that was long. Now, do I hit send?

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    • Anonyman says:

      Obviously, you did hit send 🙂

      First let me say how deeply sorry I am for you. I think there’s a tendency for people to say “look how much better I am than before the affair” and it’s not that they don’t get the pain or still feel it, but they are maybe a bit too eager to point out the good that came from the affair. “For we know that God causes all things to work together for good…” and all that. But I don’t want you to get the idea that I think even for a second that an affair is a good thing. I don’t know your pain, but I know you’ve been in pain and still are. I’m sorry your husband did this to you.

      Secondly, it occurred to me as I read your comment that there is a big difference between being interested in or knowing a lot about theology and actually being right with God. The Pharisees knew more about theology than anybody else at the time, except Jesus, and yet they didn’t know God. I grew up in a church that intensively taught the Bible, but I didn’t really know God until I was in my late teens. Before the affair, I thought I knew God pretty well, but I neglected prayer and reading the Bible because I self-righteously thought that I was okay. Turns out I had some BIG blind spots in my life and I had virtually no chance of seeing them because I was refusing to look in the mirror of His Word.

      As for your faith, I wish I had the perfect thing to say to you. I assume the people who know you have tried. For me and my own faith, God is still working on me. Sometimes I don’t even have the desire to be better than I am, so I pray for the desire to desire more. When my faith feels cold, I pray “Lord I believe – help my unbelief!” It’s funny how we can convince ourselves that we’re just too far gone – our sin is too great, our faith is too weak, we are too broken. And we give up on the God who not only created the universe, but sent His Son to die for us – each of us not just as part of humanity, but as one whose name is written on his hands. It’s funny, but it’s sad too because I still do it sometimes. I don’t know if that’s where you are, but remember God does love you, julesedison. He didn’t come to earth and perform great works just so he could abandon you or make you suffer. Jesus died for you to give you life and the joy of his salvation. I will pray for you that God will bless you and show you His love and comfort.

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      • julesedison says:

        Well, you started to open the floodgates, Isle. They have been pretty closed for a while now. Sheesh! You are very kind. (for a stinking cheater, ;P)

        Anyway, you are right; knowing theology and being right with God are two very different things. I just remember going to a different church, because I just couldn’t go with him, and on top of it all he was an usher. I just couldn’t understand how he could stand up there. He says that having a secret life makes you do things to keep it hidden.

        I think for me, it is uncomfortable to acknowledge how much this has changed me. It really isn’t about my relationship with my husband. It’s kind of a separate issue. It does affect how sure I am of my future, but day to day we enjoy each other. Our relationship is stronger, and I’ve tried to make clear boundaries. But my lack of faith is something I need to either accept or I need to work towards restoring.

        Thank you for your prayers.

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