Typical Woman

I don’t really have the heart to write a post with the above title, not even in sarcasm as I intend. If I did, it would be about how all women do this or that. How we men can always count on women to behave in a certain predictable way. Something about shoes or chocolate or something similarly condescending and disrespectful.

I can however go to any number of blogs written by women and find plenty of posts and comments about men, which if I reversed the genders and posted here would probably alienate every last follower I had. Why is that, I wonder.

Part of it is that most of my readers are women (thanks for reading, ladies!). Just based on the commenters, probably 90% of my readership is female. Of those, I’d say the breakdown is somewhere around 60-40 or 70-30 Betrayed Spouses to Other Women, with maybe handful of percents reserved for the readers who follow for the mental health stuff.

So I’d say another big part of it is that a majority or close to a majority of my readers are betrayed women. Hearing me, a man and a reformed cheater, say something like “That’s women for you. They’re so predictable and pathetic!” would be pretty damn offensive.

Actually I don’t need to qualify it. That kind of comment should be offensive to everyone, regardless of who is saying it or whom it is said about. So why is it acceptable for people to say “Men are so stupid!”, “They’re so predictable!”, etc? Let’s even be charitable and say these comments are meant for recovering cheaters. Does that make this kind of casual sexism okay? Is this really what you want to say to or about men who are trying to do the right thing? Even if they aren’t doing the right thing, is this the way to induce them to repent – by insulting them?

And then there’s the name-calling. I understand there are things we say when we’re mad that we wouldn’t normally say. But there’s certain things that should never be said. I have been really mad at my wife before. Nevermind the reasons why, but I’ve been mad enough that it’s strained my self-control. However, I’ve never hit my wife. I’ve also never called her fat or stupid, and to my knowledge I’ve never called her a bitch. Those names, especially the first two, would hurt her more than a black eye would. If I had ever called her those names to Scarlet during the affair, that almost certainly would have sealed our fate.

Likewise, my wife has had good cause to be furious with me, but she has never called me a pussy or a bitch. She has never said or implied that I am stupid or sexually deficient. She knows that should those words ever escape her mouth directed at me, it would not only hurt me but it would destroy any respect she has ever shown me.

We both have fragile egos, especially when it comes to each other. I suspect most married couples are that way, which is part of why affairs are so intensely destructive.

I’ve written before about the need for hope in the recovery process. Both the wayward spouse and the loyal spouse need hope to get them through. Without hope, why would you try to save your marriage? It’s easily the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do and if we didn’t have hope, we would have thrown in the towel at the start.

Calling each other names, disrespecting each other, running each other down, further betraying trust – all of these things are hope killers. They also will kill what is left of love and respect. So don’t do it – don’t give in to the temptation to lash out in ways you can’t take back.

Be angry.

Fight.

Fight hard for your marriage. Fight for your spouse. Fight with your spouse. Fight to rebuild your marriage and to drive out the evil in yourselves and in your marriage.

But don’t fight dirty.

Edit: I have not personally been called a name by anyone online (that I know of). Even if I had been, it wouldn’t mean 1/1000th as much as it would if my wife called me a name. Contrary to what some think, this blog isn’t all about them or even about myself. Not anymore at least.

Advertisements

About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in The affair and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Typical Woman

  1. My only comment is to say that we, the “OW” don’t like stereotypes about women either. And I think we have many more thrown at us than the BS do and they are a lot less attractive. I like the gist of your post, though. Keep writing

    Liked by 4 people

      • Anonyman says:

        That’s messed up – wishing an affair on someone else. If she doesn’t want to listen to cheaters, that’s fine. I don’t know that I can blame her. But holy shit is she bitter. I’m shocked to see so many people (many of whom read and comment here) LIKED her post! Why would you like a post in which PW hopes someone else’s like gets destroyed?!?

        Like

        • Honestly, at this point it doesn’t surprise me at all (you should have seen some of the comments only blog when I was still writing!!) It goes back to my original point, which is that there is a group on these blogs you just really can’t listen to if you want to heal or get away from stereotypes. It’s not all BS by any stretch, some are very healthy in their progress. They get emotional like anyone else, but they get better.

          But there are a select few who just keep going around and around in the same circles and never see their own hypocrisy. I haven’t walked in their shoes, so I can’t comment on them. But even though they haven’t walked in my shoes, they can say whatever they want. There is simply no logic, only unbridled emotion and rage.

          Most of why they hate me is because I point out when they are illogical, when their arguments make no sense, when they are blatantly recycling stereotypes that have nothing to do with a particular situation. I am probably the least offensive “OW” out there in terms of my actual actions with Jack, but they will never admit that they really hate me because I stand my ground on what I believe and point out that they aren’t perfect just because they are BS

          Anyway, more than anything I feel sorry for them and try to avoid writing on their blogs anymore. But apparently even when I limit it to yours I am not allowed to say what I think!

          Like

          • Anonyman says:

            It’s funny – she once told me she only refers to her husband’s AP as a whore. I guess lying to a cheater is okay now.

            There’s a saying in therapy that no one can make you feel a certain way or do a certain thing. You can allow them to make you feel or do, but you always have a choice. Pablo didn’t make his wife become a bitter, angry woman – she chose to allow him to make her one. Every time she opens her mouth or writes on her blog, she makes a choice to verbally abuse her husband and other cheaters. Every time she flies into a rage, she is choosing to lose control. Clearly she feels entitled to her bitterness and vile speech, but she is no more entitled to it than her husband was entitled to cheat on her. She doesn’t have the moral high ground. Wrong is still wrong.

            I think you’re absolutely right. There are people out there who will tell the betrayed spouse exactly what they want to hear. They will say it’s right to abuse their spouse, it’s right to never forgive, it’s right to stay bitter for the rest of your life, it’s right to expect you wayward spouse to pay for the rest of his life. In short, they will tell the betrayed spouse that nothing they do from now on is anyone’s fault but their spouse’s, and that they are the only ones who are right and deserving of compassion. That may sound good to people, especially right after D-day, but it is toxic to them and it will destroy their marriages if they listen to it.

            Like

  2. Janelle says:

    Hmmm. You’re very insightful and observant, and very brave for commenting upon this obvious bias.

    My former spouse lost control and hit me repeatedly in front of our three children when I said I wanted a trial separation, and our marriage was completely over with the first punch. To this day I do not speak ill of him in front of our now grown children or anyone else. He has always been referred to as either his first name or title in my life … my former/first husband, my kids’ father. His wife, whom I actively dislike for a lot of things she has said or done that hurt my children, is referred by her first name or her status to him. He was horribly ashamed of himself and remorseful for the action and knew immediately what it cost him. While I was damaged by him when our marriage ended, he is a good father and sought the proper help to ensure I did not try to cut him out of our children’s lives. It did not change my mind about reconciling, but it did allow him to be a good and present father for our kids.

    I do not think name calling or giving in to anger at those who have wronged us truly resolves anything, except continuing to hamstring our ability to heal from the injury. However, these events are unique and very personal for each of us, and I know there is no one-size-fits-most cure for broken marriages. Having not walked in the BS shoes, I can only guess at my own reaction, but staying with a straying husband would be uncharacteristic of me. I’m not one to try and punish those who have wronged me – I leave that to a much higher power – and for me seeking to understand the why of the situation would be best processed from a distance, at least initially. If there is hope for repair and reconciliation I would need space to become rational enough to contemplate the options. If I am hurt enough to be angry, the last thing the person upsetting me that way wants to do is be nearby and waiting for the inevitable explosion.

    Great post.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Thank you for you kind comments. I’m so sorry for the abuse you received. Reading your comment, I realized I need to write a post about reconciliation vs. divorce because I don’t actually believe that everyone needs to stay together. Maybe tomorrow….

      Liked by 1 person

      • Janelle says:

        Glad to be food for future blog posts. 🙂 Honestly, it was a very long time ago, and we both had some growing up to do. That said, I had enough self respect and confidence to walk away in the face of that horror, but I can still hear him calling me a whore (completely unjustified) and telling my kids – then 4, 2, and 1 – that their mother was a whore. It was almost worse.

        Like

  3. Let go says:

    I think when a bs is in intense pain from infidelity he/she will probably use a very wide brush to paint all cheaters the same. There are few things more powerful than having a spouse prefer someone else. The secrets, the lies, the little intimacies are all an insult to the marriage. If a spouse is truly repentant and forgiven I still think there is a loss that cannot be recovered. It does not mean a marriage will fail but it will be different.
    I feel very fortunate that the men in my family and those in my husband’s family were loyal. The only cheating that I know of was a sister-in-law whose husband was a violent alcoholic and her affair gave her the strength to get out of the marriage. Everyone else was,or is still, married to their original spouse. I would never use the term “all men” because the ones I know don’t cheat.
    I think any woman reading this had better be very aware that with few exceptions sex is a major component to gluing a couple together. If you have lost interest in your husband sexually get a checkup. There are hormonal remedies if you are older. If you have no idea why your interest has waned there are probably hidden issues that need airing. We all can hold secret grudges but they are so corrosive to relationships. Most of us need and enjoy sex. It is one of the driving forces in our lives. Food, clothing, shelter and sex are necessary.
    The old cliche about not going to bed angry is very true. A half hour in a day given over to loving your spouse reaps wonderful rewards.
    Isle, I sincerely hope you and your wife not only find joy in your marriage but comfort as well. You should always be a soft spot for her to fall.

    Like

  4. Ha.. you know maybe if you had blogged like 5 months ago more maybe I wouldn’t have been such an abusing, angry, name-calling BS 🙂

    Nah.. I probably would have. So to all of you who already have name called, physically, and emotionally abused.. You have a friend in me. But let’s be clear I’m not proud of what I have done. Not at all.
    I’m just hurt. Now I’m part of the tribe “Hurt people, hurt people”
    I agree with you Isle, but it happen and when it does to apologize, move on, and probably separate if necessary.
    That’s where M and I are at and being this our I think 3rd separation.
    The pain is deep and anger is a secondary emotion.
    I’m not making excuses just calling a spade a spade.

    But I am clearing my head more so now than ever before. I’m happy we are apart for now anyways.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting post. In the early days of our recovery our therapist told Erin it is ok to experience all the anger and emotions you’d expect but she cautioned her to fight fair. This was to aid in the fact we were trying to recover and not get worse. It helped. She often was incredibly angry but almost always fought fair. After all she used the truth which in my case was more than enough ammunition to do damage.

    Thanks! Keep posting!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I cringe whenever I type the words “cheating spouse”. The word “cheating” implies a present, active tense. I haven’t found a better word and it’s what is common across most blogs and articles. I don’t even really like the term “betrayed spouse”. As painful as this all has been, I want to get back to being “a” spouse. A wife. No qualifiers, unless it is something like “awesome” wife! This is becoming easier for me, because my husband is one of the truly remorseful. He has consistently shown me his regret over the course of the last two years. It isn’t just talk. As for his affair partner? I will always refer to her as the “whore”. She chose that title for herself when she knowingly pursued and had sex with a married man. She has done it before, he was not her first rodeo. She remains to this day, completely without remorse for what she did. Further, she has stalked and harassed me and my children. All because I stayed in my marriage. All because my husband wanted to stay in his marriage (something he had told her from day one). Have I said things to him in anger and pain that I shouldn’t have? Yes. This experience has been soul-crushing. There aren’t even words to describe it. Most of us say things from a very dark place at times. We betrayeds can vent to each other and unleash the hurt in a safe place. There are a number of OW who like to come to the blogs of the betrayeds and take issue with that. I have never understood it. In the early days, I read some blogs of OW. I was trying to see how these women think. How they justify participating in the destruction of marriages, families and hurting innocent children. I was always astonished at how easily they justify their lifestyle choices. I was even more astonished at the hatred and name calling they threw at the wives they (in many cases) had never met! I stopped reading these blogs. The AP in our situation loathed and despised me. I heard it from several of their co-workers. It is one of the first things that made me suspicious. Being hated merely for the fact of your existence is uncomfortable to say the least!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s