I wonder sometimes if I should be reading other people’s blogs. They’re a mixed blessing to be sure. When I see people recovering, it gives me hope and makes me happy. But then I read of people’s marriages falling apart, and it makes me sad (or worse). I read stories of seduction and betrayal and it’s definitely a trigger for me. It reminds me of the shame of what I’ve done.
It also reminds me of how it felt to have an affair – the rush, the excitement, the happiness, the love, the lust, the betrayal, the conflicting emotions, the anguish, the loss, and eventual pain. Even now, there’s a small part of me that misses those good feelings, misses her. Thankfully, it sleeps almost all the time now, but every once in a while, such as when I read other blogs, it awakes. It’s an odd mixture of longing, lust, shame, pain, regret, and a bunch of others.
I don’t like it. My life is simpler and better when I don’t have all those conflicting emotions. My wife and I are doing just fine without my getting depressed because I read someone’s blog. So I wonder: should I just stick to my little corner of the blogosphere?
I ask myself that at least several times a week. I do occasionally say “I can’t take it anymore,” but ultimately I come back. I’m getting better at sensing when I’m headed down the rabbit hole, and I stop and walk away for a bit. There may come a time when I have to walk away for good, but I’m not there yet. Just don’t be surprised if I disappear for a few days now and again.