No, I Will Not Shut Up

About a week ago, commenter Open Heart Confessions (OHC) made a comment on “Oh Really?” about betrayed spouses who become bitter and angry and consequently do not heal. She made reference to four bloggers in particular, two of whom I was previously familiar with and two of whom I was not. One of the ones I was familiar with is Pablo’s Wife (PW) from I Never Said I Loved Her.

As an aside, PW is actually the very first person who commented on my blog, way back in the mists of time (July). She’s always come off as an angry person, which may be an artifact of the blogging medium, but for the most part we’ve never had any major tiffs. I did at one point tell her not to be so negative on my blog. I was having a particularly shitty day and when she went off on her husband’s “pit-faced whore” I had had enough and told her so. She basically said, “What’s the big deal? I only refer to my husband’s AP as a whore. Besides, I can be way worse than that.” Which is demonstrably true. I apologized for being short with her, but that was the last I heard of her on my own blog.

So last week she posted a response to OHC’s comment titled Shut the fuck up. Here’s a snippet:

So until you have invested 27 years of your life… and lets face it, by all accounts you’re getting pretty up there in age so you may never reach that milestone with someone you have yet to meet, but, if you do, and he cheats on you, THEN and only then will I listen to what you have to say.  Because then, and only then, will you have any fucking clue what it’s like to be me.  And do you know what???  I hope you do.

I hope that you do meet someone special, who isn’t already married to someone else, and fall head over heels in love.

I hope, if your eggs aren’t already fried, that you manage to have a family.

And then I hope that 27 years later you find out he fucked some whore from work.

Then, and only then,  I’ll be interested on your take in the matter.  Until then, it’s probably best to shut the fuck up!!!!

That’s just wrong – not the language (who am I to judge) but the vitriol. PW claims to be a Christian, by the way. Before you get all judgey and say “Yeah, well you had an affair, mister so-called Christian!” let me remind you that I fully admit my guilt and have turned from my sin in full repentance. I scrolled through all 150+ comments and I did not see anything even hinting at a retraction or softening of tone from PW. Instead I saw hearty approval of the content. Presumably she still wants all cheaters to STFU and hopes OHC is cheated on by her husband. If so, then she is violating all sorts of admonitions in the Bible, starting with the second greatest commandment – love thy neighbor.

The comment that elicited this hate-filled response? Here’s the relevant bit with the personal references removed:

They never heal, they never get better, they stay bitter and angry and ready to lash out at anyone who says anything they don’t agree with, whether or not it is reflective of that person’s experience. They insist they are the expert on everything, no one can disagree, every WS and OW has to follow the same stereotypes. They write the same things over and over and over again.

Now I’ll admit that personally calling people out (with the exception of Nephila, who is indeed a vicious, unrepentant troll) is not a polite thing to do. However, the above hardly warrants the response on PW’s blog. A normal, healthy person would not respond that way, in my opinion, and indeed one of the other named bloggers responded with a respectful request not to be called out in the future.

If you really want to waste an hour of your life, then by all means read through the comments on the post. I skimmed quite a bit, but what stood out to me is the truth of what OHC wrote in her comment.

I don’t know if some of these women will ever heal; although, I certainly hope they do, despite the venom directed at me and other recovering cheaters. I doubt some of them will heal because they aren’t pursuing a path to healing. I don’t think you will truly heal if you choose to be bitter and spend time on blogs angrily lashing out at cheaters and judging other people for not being or doing what they think is right.

The above paragraph is my opinion, but I’m free to express that on my blog. I don’t say it in condemnation – far from it, I say it with a heavy heart. Call me naive, but I do want to see relationships restored, bitterness relinquished, marriages healed, and both spouses loved by the other. I don’t ever expect the pain to go away, but I do want to see individuals heal and move on with their lives.

Speaking of having a heavy heart, one of the things that surprised me was how many of my commenters and followers liked PW’s post and wholeheartedly agreed that people like me should shut the fuck up. Perhaps “surprised” isn’t even the right word. Saddened is more like it.

I understand not everyone who visits here is going to share my opinions 100%, but really? Saying I can’t express certain opinions AT ALL? Ever? Because I was wrong in the past? For my Christian readers, where does it say that in the Bible, exactly? Was Paul unable to denounce imprisonment, murder, theft, divisions, dissension, and persecution of the church because he previously did all those things to Christians before he repented? Was he unable to denounce lust because he too struggled with lust?

No, I am going to continue saying what I feel needs to be said. I will call sin what it is and I’ll try to offer sound advice. I will not tell betrayed spouses to STFU because they haven’t walked in my shoes. I’m going to continue to share the story of my past sins, as well as my repentance, struggles, and opinions on life and religion. I’m going to do my best to say it in love and gentleness. If I don’t or if that doesn’t come through in my writings, then please let me know where I’ve erred.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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53 Responses to No, I Will Not Shut Up

  1. 15gen says:

    Anonyman I appreciate your post and I agree with what you have said. However, might I take just a moment to play “devil’s advocate”?

    I read PW’s post. And I will fully admit I liked part of it. Several times after my D-day I would think “I have been faithful, completely faithful, to my husband for 17 years. And I expected faithfulness in return. He & the OW did this to me (caused my anger & sorrow). I was pretty happy until my selfish husband couldn’t keep it in his pants! I was pretty happy until SHE came along! I had it all. A great husband, wonderful kids and a stable home in which to raise them… and in an instant, it was gone.” I understood the pain in her words, for I too have felt that.

    But, no…I do not wish this on anyone. Initially, yes…I did…I will admit that. But as time as gone on, no…I do not wish this for her daughter or herself.

    Perhaps people who “liked” her post liked one part, as I did. Feeling the pain in words and knowing they aren’t alone. The position of the BS feels like the loneliest place on earth – especially at first. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone in your thoughts or feelings – even if they are wrong.

    Perhaps people who “liked” her post were having an “off” day. A day full of triggers.

    Perhaps people who “liked” her post are still filled with the raw emotion of D-day.

    Please understand I am saying all of this with all gentleness. Remember, just like you have dark days – BS have dark days too. Unfortunately, some of our darkest days are filled with anger.

    I am healing. The anger is subsiding. And I do not think I spew poisonous words as I once did. I believe God heals & is healing me. But I know I am still a work in progress. I’m not much different than the other BSs. And I see bits of myself in some of their posts. I think that is why I felt the need to reply to your post.

    Sorry to blog hog : )

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      By all means, play devil’s advocate – I find it a useful exercise for both parties. And no, you’re not blog-hogging. I appreciate the comments. You’re probably right, most people who liked it probably are liking part of it and maybe not the whole “I hope your life get’s ruined” part.

      I think there’s almost certainly an aspect of only seeing part of a person on a blog. Reading my blog, some might get the impression that I’m always depressed and suicidal or that I still pine for Scarlet. Fortunately, neither is true (especially the last one, thank God). I also don’t write about my wife a whole lot. It’s not that she is a minor part of my life – I just choose not to write about her because, even on an anonymous blog, I want to respect her privacy.

      Likewise, it’s not surprising that the part of people that goes into their blogs is the dark part or the part they don’t share with their spouse or friends. That’s why I started this blog in the first place – to anonymously write the stuff that hid behind the happy mask I usually wear in person.

      By the way, you’re not alone. You have God. You have supportive women on blogs. And yes, you even have the odd recovering adulterer who is cheering the successes and mourning the bad days, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s about perspective and depth of authenticity.

    For those cheaters, whether they are the married cheater or the other person, if the betrayed wife/husband doesn’t know about the infidelity, the cheater has no perspective to really understand.

    If the affair is out in the open and both married people are healing and dealing with the good, bad and ugly, then there is a true understanding from both perspectives by the cheater.

    If it’s not in the open, meaning that the betrayed spouse doesn’t know, then that’s where many of us betrayed spouses have a hard time with us/them. It’s unjust, unfair and the cheaters are getting away with murder, so to speak.

    So, until the cheater is open, honest and dealing with the offense completely, there really is no compassion, understanding on either party’s part.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Interesting point. I think you’re right – I would not have the same perspective on the BS if I hadn’t told my wife and been by her side this last year and a half. That’s not to say my perspective would have been completely wrong, just incomplete. I do think I have more perspective in this area than an adulterer who hasn’t confessed. I also know I don’t have the same perspective as, say, my wife. God willing, I never will.

      I don’t know about the whole getting away with murder thing. I can see what you’re saying, but it is not certain in my own mind that cheaters should always come clean with the victims. For instance, I made a full confession to my wife, my pastor, my parents, and my counselor, but I never confessed to Scarlet’s husband. It’s not that I don’t repent of what I did, but for a variety of reasons, my wife and I decided not to tell Scarlet’s husband. For the adulteress/adulterer who doesn’t tell their own spouse, I won’t judge, but I will say that if they are repentant, they will suffer and they will do so alone and in silence. I won’t compare it to what I’ve been through or what any BS has been through, but I would not describe it as getting away with murder.

      As for your last statement, I think you’ve gone too far by saying there is no compassion or understanding. For one thing, several of the OW I’ve talked to are themselves the victims of past betrayals. I do not buy the line that the reason they had an affair themselves is because they just don’t feel what a normal BS feels. Even for the OW who hasn’t been cheated on, I think it goes too far to say there is no compassion or understanding. Again, it’s not the same as it would be if they had walked through the fire with their own spouse, but surely they have seen their parents or their siblings or their friends go through the pain of infidelity. By the same line of thinking, only someone who has been betrayed or been a betrayer could be a professional counselor to a betrayed spouse or a cheater. I don’t buy it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Perhaps it’s the single other person that really can’t understand the ground shift of the betrayal. Especially if the other spouse doesn’t know. It’s a deadly secret and that secret has power and it’s not fair or right.

        And, for what it’s worth, I was a cheater and now a betrayed. So, I’ve lived with both perspectives and I’ll tell you, being betrayed is far worse than being the cheater.

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        • Anonyman says:

          I believe it. Like I said, I will not compare what I’ve been through to what my wife has been through. I promise I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, but what I’ve been through has come very close to destroying me. However, I know that I absolutely could not have survived if the tables were turned.

          That’s part of why I have so much admiration for my wife. She not only survived but she had the strength to forgive me, too. I don’t deserve her.

          I’m sorry for you, I really am. I wish nobody had to go through an affair. They bring so much destruction, break so many things and people – even when people heal, the pain never goes away completely. I hate them, I hate that I had one, and I hate that you’re dealing with the effects of one, too.

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        • I don’t understand, Temtped, are you saying that PW’s post was all about the fact that Jack’s wife doesn’t know? I did not pick that up at all. You mentioned it and I understand that it makes my situation with Jack different than some other cases, but I don’t think that means I deserve a life of pain and misery. And I don’t think that was her sticking point

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          • Anonyman says:

            i think she was saying that as a general point about perspective. If you were married or if Jack’s wife knew then your perspective would be more complete (and presumably you would have more standing to comment). Unless I’m missing something, no one on this blog has attempted to excuse the desire to see you harmed.

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            • Oh, I didn’t mean to imply Tempted said I should be harmed

              I have absolutely no doubt things would have been very different this past year had Jack’s wife found out. But the point is, she didn’t. That doesn’t mean my perspective is messed up, it means I had a different experience. So did Jack. In some ways better and in some ways worse. If anyone thinks it’s easy to end one of these things out of just doing the right thing as opposed to massive pressure from the BS on the WS, they are wrong. They are very difficult to end once they have started. But likewise, I never had to see her endure horrible pain the way she would have had she found out

              Liked by 1 person

          • No, I don’t think it was, but it’s my sticking point about perspective. But, when you poke a tiger in the toe, who is already in deep pain, it will only call up support for those who are in similar pain.

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  3. Yeah I’m with 15thgen. I liked it because I’m all about people STFU about how someone is healing or they know how they are healing.
    I mean good grief everyone in our town probably knows M and I are having troubles and its quite profound how many will just assume these peaks and valleys happen in a marriage.
    Kindly STFU and I help them out on their jaded view of life.
    You don’t know me, kindly get the fuck out of my face.

    I suppose that isn’t me healing but maybe helping others along that best intentions are definitely a quick road to hell. especially since you don’t have a personal relationship with said person to say anything at all.

    Maybe not.. but I think that’s where I found OHC being in the wrong. I didn’t follow the rest. We are all pretty anonymous bloggers for a reason. This is just a snippet of life on here that we share and I share alot but that’s not all that is happening in my life.

    So I was in agreement with that. 🙂 And maybe STFU isn’t very Jesus like but nor is judging someone’s heart, or person by purely blogging actions.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I really need to write a post about judging….

      There is a sense in which we can only judge people based on their blogging actions. We cannot see into their heart or into the parts of their lives they don’t share. That should cause us all, both cheaters and betrayeds, to be more cautious about passing judgement on people’s actions and words. Does that mean we can’t say “What you said was wrong?” Of course not. But there is a difference between one comment or one post versus always posting hateful comments and posts. When all one sees from a blogger is bitterness, hatred, and hyper-critical judgments of other people, you are on pretty solid ground to say “This person writes bitter, hate-filled stuff on people’s blogs.” That’s not what OHC said, by the way.

      The irony in this case, of course, is that PW immediately copped to being bitter and then proceeded to prove her case. So is she mad that OHC judged her rightly or that OHC is an OW? Keep in mind that OHC appears to be repentant and is trying to do the right thing, even though she hasn’t gone as far as some would like to see her go.

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  4. Speaking for myself, I can say that I come to the blogs when I am triggered and struggling in order to seek support and vent. My counselor told me that blogging and journaling are healthy ways to work through the negative emotions. And that is exactly what must take place in order to heal. That pain must GO somewhere. Preferably OUT. If you saw or I told you about the majority of my day, you would never even know what we have been through. In fact nobody in our life (except two best friends) knows. That includes the family on both sides. If I was as angry, bitter and full of rage as we BS’s are portrayed as being? If there really was no healing for us? There would also be no hiding that fact. Everyone would see and everyone would know.

    One of the biggest objections I think betrayeds have is reading the sense of entitlement that some (not all) OW have. While we didn’t choose this mess, they did. So when they are surprised and angered and wallowing in their pain because !Surprise! the married man chose his wife? It is what they signed up for. It is what they pursued and supported and asked for. WE signed up for love, faithfulness and commitment. You simply cannot expect people to rush out to throw you a pity party because you failed to break up a marriage and family. Even if the married man was temporarily helping you.

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    • Anonyman says:

      I’ve never gotten the impression that you were not healing or that you were bitter and full of rage. You’ve always been respectful even in your disagreement with OHC’s comment. I agree that blogging/journaling are good ways to get the emotion out. That’s why I’m here, after all, and it does help. I was a mess when I started this blog and while I might still be a mess, I think I’ve progressed quite a bit.

      I have made a point of not following OW/OM who display that sense of entitlement. What I do see in a lot of them, myself included, is how broken they are. For some of them, this started before the affair, and for others they are broken because of the affair. Though they are not entitled to it, they do have my sympathy. I can sympathize with the broken cheater as well as for their victims. So I guess what I’m saying is, they don’t deserve a pity party, especially not from their victims, but that doesn’t mean I think they should be condemned either.

      Like

      • I believe that brokenness lies at the heart of pretty much all affairs. I don’t think people cheat because they have found someone better than their spouse. I don’t think people cheat because they don’t love their spouse or because they want out of their marriage. Statistics show that less than five percent of married people who cheat, actually leave their marriage. Of those that DO leave, an even fewer percent actually stay with their affair partner. So if these relationships were so great, if the marriages were so bad, if the spouses were so awful? These numbers would look way different.

        In my husband’s case, he was very broken by a number of things, beyond either of our control. He was also clinically depressed. He battles that still. His affair partner could have been anyone. She just happened to pursue him even though it took “a long time to catch him” …..her words. I believe she has brokenness too. We now know enough of her history to be afraid of her. She hid this pretty well during the several years they worked together prior to the start of the affair. This is why I say that affair relationships are never healthy. They can’t be by their very definition. Most of us would agree that a healthy relationship is not based on lies and deceit. It takes trust and honesty and quite a number of other things that simply cannot flourish in the darkness of an affair.

        having said all that, I can feel pity for the brokenness of people. But I don’t feel pity for them for acting out on that brokenness in ways that destroy the lives of others. Perhaps I would feel different if my husband’s AP had showed one shred of decency and remorse instead of portraying herself as a victim and trying to sue us. I think for most betrayeds, remorse really is a key issue.

        Liked by 2 people

    • EG, I am sorry for mentioning you by name.

      I think one of the weird things I don’t understand is that I wasn’t writing about how everyone should feel sorry for me or how I don’t understand how Jack and I didn’t end up together. I didn’t ask for a pity party. There were times, when I was writing my blog, that I was sad and I missed him. I was also clinically depressed at the time, that was why I was writing my blog, to work through my feelings. But that has been shut down for months now. And I am pretty sure I have always been clear that I thought it was very important that he go back to his wife and try to make it work without me in the picture

      That’s when I get frustrated, because it feels like some people don’t really read what I write sometimes, but have no problem heaping as much hatred as they can my way. I know that as one of the few active OW I probably ask for it, but it is what gets me cranked up at times

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Janelle says:

    The important thing I take away from this discussion and others like it is simply: why do you write and post and update your blog? If this is about you, sharing your thoughts and ideas and experiences, another blogger suggesting you STFU is just more white noise playing in the background. If you are trying to grow you blog and your following, then yeah, I suppose you should be contemplating altering your opinions and tones. But if someone disagrees with your opinions or actions so strongly, leave a comment and never return. Or just stop reading. Vote with your feet.

    I understand where the original post came from, Anonyman, and the chorus and waves of pain coming from those BS … it’s impossible to read and remain unmoved, unaffected by their hurt and anger. It seems unhealthy to run-in-place with that decible of emotion flooding the blogosphere, yet I cannot imagine any of them listening to you, me, or anyone else who has not walked in their shoes. I am not their audience, not the person they wish to hear from, because I cannot know how they feel and therefore have nothing to offer them. I wish them well and I hope for happier eventual outcomes for each of them, but I have come to accept there is nothing I can say or do that might make the slightest difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      After reading some of the previous comments to this post, I think I may have misjudged the people who liked the post. It sounds like a lot of them liked the general idea of “don’t judge me” but not the whole “I hope your life get’s destroyed” part.

      For the record, if I ever followed PW, I can’t remember for sure but it was for a few days only. I tried reading her blog when I first got started, but it was just too negative, too hate-filled. I am doing this for me, but I also do it for my readers. This is a major change in my attitude from when I started. I get a couple of comments a week from betrayed spouses who say they appreciate my writing and that it helps them understand their spouses. I guess that’s why I was like “Really?!?” when I saw some of these same people liking a post that explicitly told me to STFU.

      I’ll keep doing what I’m doing as long as I get something out of it or until I run out of things to say. I know I’m not going to reach a lot of BS, but I know I do help some of them. I try to be a source of helpful information and not a source of unnecessary pain to the ones who will listen.

      Like

      • Nephila says:

        The idea that you’re doing something to help people put there by people like you is kind of funny. There are some BS who will fall for it I’m sure. Poor things.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Anonyman says:

          Uh oh, everyone. If you’ve ever gotten something from one of my posts, then Neph thinks that’s “funny” that you’re “falling for it” and that you are a “poor thing”.

          What is it exactly that people are falling for, I wonder? What am I conning people into believing? That some anonymous stranger on the internet isn’t a heartless monster. That repentance doesn’t always look the way St. Neph says it should. That maybe forgiveness is a good thing for a marriage.

          Am I selling something on here and I’ve just missed it? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I don’t get a check every month for A. Man with a memo line of “For conning the poor things on your blog”

          Liked by 2 people

          • Nephila says:

            Most people judge actions as we should. You just showed yourself a coward by posting this that you *think* you can get mileage out of and not my other comments. Thank you for that. I stand by it. A few will be conned. It’s not controversial. A few OW/OM will be remorseful. I know a couple, I am married to one. But that doesn’t mean you are right about people who have been put in this position by people who act as you do.

            Liked by 2 people

            • Anonyman says:

              Then why do you keep posting comments when you know I only allow the ones I want to allow? That says far more about you than it does about me. This is, after all, my blog, not yours. Everyone here comments at my pleasure, not because they are entitled to comment.

              So far you’re the only one disrespectful enough to have your comments automatically deleted. You should be grateful I allow ANY of your comments after the way you have acted here and elsewhere. It is not courage that keeps you commenting under the current conditions, but compulsion. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

              Liked by 2 people

  6. Ultimately in was sort of funny–I posted an observation, PW wrote a rather nasty post saying I was right but I was judging her and had no right to judge her until I walked in her shoes, then when I said OK, turnabout is fair play, you can’t judge me until you walk in my shoes, I was branded a hypocrite. And yet, everything written just confirmed my original observation

    I think the only thing that really surprised me was that there was so much read into what I posted to you, which wasn’t really a judgement but mainly to say I thought you should ignore anyone who wasn’t helping you recover. I also don’t understand why there was such a reaction to my posting something on your blog that you didn’t have a problem with. The internet is open and free and anonymous, there is no rule saying I can’t post something somewhere

    At this point, I don’t really feel emotional about any of this, I just find it interesting to watch the patterns. I think there is something cathartic for the BS to rail against me or other OW online because they don’t get the opportunity to do it in real life the way they would like to. I don’t mind, I just wish that every now and then they would recognize what they are doing and saying and see that it can be illogical and even ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just wish you could once see how your comments sound. But I think you know and like the reactions and all the BS are seen as a surrogate for Jack’s wife. That’s why you like to poke at them and then pity them for “over reacting”.

      I’m going back to living my sane full life and in the future will be making my usual wide berth around people like you.

      Like

      • I know you don’t like me and that is your right. I don’t see anyone as a surrogate for Jack’s wife. As I have said before, there are things I don’t like about her, but I never saw it as a competition or that she “won.” I’m not out for any vengeance and don’t wish anything negative towards her, Jack, or their family. On the contrary, I wish them well and hope they are happy

        Likewise, I wish you and your family well. I don’t expect you to believe me or think differently of me, but it’s true

        Like

        • Hahahaha oh thank you for the much needed laugh and now I have the hiccups (always get them when I can’t stop giggling).

          Please keep your wishes for me and my family to yourself, I don’t believe the act you put on. Here in the south we call it “Butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth” fake sweetness. I have read your comments for a year, I don’t like you because you like attacking BS and then playing the victim then you go laugh on other blogs about it 🙂 I don’t like you not because you are an OW but because I think you are sneaky and mean.

          I am now done wasting my breathe…I have apples to peel for cake, pumpkins to decorate, and a real life to get back to.

          Like

      • Anonyman says:

        Boos, I think you’re reading way too much into this. Her original comment was at me, not at the four bloggers she mentioned. She has apologized for calling them out. I read some of her comments on PW’s post and I didn’t get the sense she was doing anything other than defending herself by asking people to be reasonable and respectful.

        You say you wish OHC could hear how her comments sound, but is it not possible they sound the way they do to you because you have already decided she is trying to hurt other BS as a surrogate? She has been commenting here almost from the beginning and I have never gotten that impression.

        Like

        • She called them angry and bitter? Unable to heal, basically pathetic and hopeless…but they aren’t to get mad?

          I have read her blog and her many comments on blogs, most the time I just consider the source and let it go. However many of the women she called out, I call my friends. They are the strongest, most kind women and I will defend them.

          I don’t have surrogate OW, I don’t hold grudges against women I don’t know. I just don’t care for women or men who like to cause pain and havoc then play innocent. And I don’t judge, but I don’t do whiny…

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  7. 15gen says:

    I personally appreciate your blog. As I have said before it helps me understand the my husband better. It gives me a bit of his perspective.
    Nephila please don’t patronize those of us who wish to understand the other side of this mess. If you don’t there’s nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with trying to see the other side of recovery.

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  8. After another blog post IHAA and OHC went to his blog and laughed at getting the betrayed spouses riled up…laughed poked fun at and totally judged. That was the last time I felt any compassion or empathy for either since. What she did was wrong, she didnt need to call them out by name. Grace doesn’t write a blog, she shouldn’t be called out.
    I think PW felt as if “Hateful deserved Hateful” and I don’t blame her. Don’t like what I write? Don’t read my blog but don’t call me out and then play innocent when I do the same…

    Just my thoughts and BTW I am not a bitter angry person, I’m just a betrayed spouse trying to fix the life my husband and some woman who didnt even know me tried to destroy.

    Like

  9. Anonyman says:

    Eh, I can kind of see EG’s point about mentioning her by name. It could be construed that you were talking about someone behind their back. Yes, the blog is public, but it’s not really the same as saying it to their face. I think as a general rule I’m going to ask people not to mention other bloggers by name (with one well-known exception).

    I definitely took your comment in the spirit in which it was given. You weren’t trying to judge or put those people down, but were making a point about reading blogs that are helpful – a point with which I completely agree. If someone took offense, there are MUCH better ways to handle it than to start a hate-fest on your blog. Even with Nephila, I’ve tried multiple times to get her to be respectful on this blog first before I started calling her out.

    By the way, I see people use the word “hypocrite” or “hypocritical” far too much without knowing what it means. It’s become a proxy for “something I don’t like from someone I don’t like.” I also see people condemn “judging” which is itself a form of judging (and on and on). I really need to do a post about these two topics.

    I too think some of the hatred towards cheaters online is misdirected anger. I understand this and I understand when I see someone write an angry post or comment. What I don’t get is the constant stream of anger and hatred. At some point it just becomes unhealthy for the pendulum to never swing the other way, you know?

    Liked by 1 person

    • B says:

      Let’s see the identification–driver license, passport, marriage certificate–that shows she “mentioned them by name”. Does nobody but me see the absolute absurdity of this point? Are they like Cher, with one word names? Really?!?!?

      Liked by 2 people

      • Seriously? This is how you respond to this? OHC apologized to me for calling me out by name. Obviously she feels she should have just referenced “some betrayed spouses…” as Isle also thinks it should have been handled. Or maybe not, as I see she also likes your comment. Very confusing.

        In the blog world, these are our names. These are our stories. But if we follow your line of reasoning, are you then like the artist-formerly-named-Prince?

        Like

        • Anonyman says:

          Yeah, not to pile on B, but I was gonna say something similar. It’s not about anonymity, but about the perception of talking behind people’s backs. I understand it’s a minor distinction, but I’d rather we didn’t call people out unnecessarily. We’ve got bigger issues to tear each other to shreds over 🙂

          Like

        • B says:

          Yes. Seriously.

          She apologized after being shamed.

          Isle is entitled to his opinion, and to express it on his blog. And he actually said, right above this here comment, “I can kind of see EG’s point”. Not exactly a resounding rebuke.

          Nobody knows anything about your true identity, starting with what planet you live on. You picked a random collection of letters that spell something pronounceable as your “name”. Unless it is your legal name, she did not call you by name.

          It is ridiculous.

          Like

      • I had an affair says:

        HA! Oh.. B!!

        Like

  10. 15gen says:

    I’m curious (and not meaning to drag this out) but Why does Nephila feel her husband is remorseful yet you (Anonyman) aren’t? I have always gotten the impression you (Anonyman) are very remorseful – which is why I appreciate your blog.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      My honest assessment, and I don’t say this to be mean, is that Nephila needs psychiatric help. It’s not logical to say that of all the dozens, if not hundreds, of blogs she trolls that only a couple of the cheaters are truly remorseful. She changes her mind too. Before HopefulHusband of “Come Back to Me, Erin” started blogging again, she was putting him down for not being truly remorseful. Now that he’s blogging again, he’s one of the one’s doing it right, or so she says on his blog.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I had an affair says:

        Completely agree…

        Like

        • I do as well. Although the thing that convinced me were some of her lesser known rants on non-affair sites. The one I found most bizarre was on a site for people with bipolar disorder, having nothing to do with affairs, and she just lost it. And the worst being the rant on the bullied teenage virgin’s blog. Those comments displayed really serious instability. And I don’t say that lightly, I don’t think I have thought the same thing about any other blogger I have interacted with

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Let go says:

    This is a hard response and I will not blame you if you put it in your spam folder. Imagine your wife finding a man that she was attracted to and then began to meet him in secret. She started texting all the time, hiding them from you, she started dreaming about him, thinking about him, meeting him in secret, at some point a first kiss happens and then the second and third. Then at some point they agree to take it further. This man then kisses your wife again and again. He may kiss her all over, she kisses him all over, he touches her breasts, she may actually give him oral sex and he the same to her but they began to know each other’s bodies as intimately as you and she. The excitement, the secrets, and possibly love become all consuming. You and your family become secondary to all the secrets and desires and meetings that she has. Perhaps after six months to a year you find out. At that point to have tab A fitting into slot B is the least of it. She has put her arms and legs around this man, and she has kissed his neck, she has said charming little intimacies to him. How do you come to terms with that? This is what you have done to your wife. This is what every cheating spouse does. This is why all of you were told to STFU.

    Like

    • B says:

      Hm. Really? I am in a very long term, deeply emotionally intimate relationship with a married man. My story is almost identical to OHC’s except my relationship is much longer than hers was, and is ongoing. And we are attracted to each other and flirt, and we have never once, despite plenty of opportunity over many years, even kissed. No inserting tab A into slot B, no feeling each other’s parts, no nothing… 🙂

      What would “at some point” mean in this situation? Every relationship is different. I think that is what OHC has tried consistently to say!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I had an affair says:

        Tab A, Slot B!! HA!!
        I have to say – I am on vacation, popped in here for a bit, and this is just great entertainment.. (yes, I am in a mood)

        Like

  12. Personally, I just wish there was more respect from both sides. Understanding that each one of us is on our own journey, no matter where we are on that journey. We don’t have to agree, but we can seek to understand and respect each other. Encourage each other to continue towards ‘the better’, towards healing. Applaud the wins, and ask the challenging questions with respect. We are on opposite sides with what we have done, but there is no reason for all the nastiness – and there has been a lot lately. If you don’t want to read with an open heart, then don’t read the blog people – its not hard! Keep doing what you are doing Isle.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Let go says:

      CL, I wish your lover had not been married. If not your need for him would be 100% understandable but you hurt another woman. I hope their marriage survived but if it did not I hope she found happiness. I do not understand why you are still married. When he abused you he damaged his children. Did you know that child protective services can remove children from homes like yours. There were women’ shelters you could have used if you are in the US. I hope good things come your way and that all of you heal.

      Like

      • I feel this is more in response to the post on my wall, not here… But I wish he wasn’t married too. There is no excuse for hurting an innocent woman. She doesn’t know. She is happy with him and I am happy for them. Yes, I know what he has done, I know the kids could have been taken. As for leaving? I thought it wasn’t bad enough. Go figure. We are much better now. There has been a lot of healing and some still to come.

        Like

    • I had an affair says:

      I have always respected those that A) are respectful and B) earned/deserved respect. To respect someone that is a cow everytime they breathe – That I cannot do. I can, however, have pity and feel sorry for them… that is easy to do.

      Like

      • Anonyman says:

        Yeah, she’s doubled down on the disrespect too many times

        Like

        • I had an affair says:

          Exactly… and then expects us to respect her because she was betrayed. Well – I may have betrayed my wife, but I didn’t betray HER. So… It doesn’t automatically grant her that. There are many other BS that I do respect though because they give it and have earned it.

          Like

          • I get it. I feel compassion for her at the end of the day. I pray she finds the peace she obviously lacks. She has been hurt through life, so much more than just the affair. No, it doesn’t give her the right to continually badger us, and sometimes she upsets me greatly because of her comparisons or her deluded thought patterns, but hurting her back, just so I feel better, or because I feel entitled to point out what a troll she is … it just takes me to her level. My reaction isn’t justified because of her actions. She never will understand – or even try to. And that’s ok with me. She answers for her actions, me for mine.

            Like

  13. Pingback: The Nephila Effect | Gardener's Blog

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