About a week ago, commenter Open Heart Confessions (OHC) made a comment on “Oh Really?” about betrayed spouses who become bitter and angry and consequently do not heal. She made reference to four bloggers in particular, two of whom I was previously familiar with and two of whom I was not. One of the ones I was familiar with is Pablo’s Wife (PW) from I Never Said I Loved Her.
As an aside, PW is actually the very first person who commented on my blog, way back in the mists of time (July). She’s always come off as an angry person, which may be an artifact of the blogging medium, but for the most part we’ve never had any major tiffs. I did at one point tell her not to be so negative on my blog. I was having a particularly shitty day and when she went off on her husband’s “pit-faced whore” I had had enough and told her so. She basically said, “What’s the big deal? I only refer to my husband’s AP as a whore. Besides, I can be way worse than that.” Which is demonstrably true. I apologized for being short with her, but that was the last I heard of her on my own blog.
So last week she posted a response to OHC’s comment titled Shut the fuck up. Here’s a snippet:
So until you have invested 27 years of your life… and lets face it, by all accounts you’re getting pretty up there in age so you may never reach that milestone with someone you have yet to meet, but, if you do, and he cheats on you, THEN and only then will I listen to what you have to say. Because then, and only then, will you have any fucking clue what it’s like to be me. And do you know what??? I hope you do.
I hope that you do meet someone special, who isn’t already married to someone else, and fall head over heels in love.
I hope, if your eggs aren’t already fried, that you manage to have a family.
And then I hope that 27 years later you find out he fucked some whore from work.
Then, and only then, I’ll be interested on your take in the matter. Until then, it’s probably best to shut the fuck up!!!!
That’s just wrong – not the language (who am I to judge) but the vitriol. PW claims to be a Christian, by the way. Before you get all judgey and say “Yeah, well you had an affair, mister so-called Christian!” let me remind you that I fully admit my guilt and have turned from my sin in full repentance. I scrolled through all 150+ comments and I did not see anything even hinting at a retraction or softening of tone from PW. Instead I saw hearty approval of the content. Presumably she still wants all cheaters to STFU and hopes OHC is cheated on by her husband. If so, then she is violating all sorts of admonitions in the Bible, starting with the second greatest commandment – love thy neighbor.
The comment that elicited this hate-filled response? Here’s the relevant bit with the personal references removed:
They never heal, they never get better, they stay bitter and angry and ready to lash out at anyone who says anything they don’t agree with, whether or not it is reflective of that person’s experience. They insist they are the expert on everything, no one can disagree, every WS and OW has to follow the same stereotypes. They write the same things over and over and over again.
Now I’ll admit that personally calling people out (with the exception of Nephila, who is indeed a vicious, unrepentant troll) is not a polite thing to do. However, the above hardly warrants the response on PW’s blog. A normal, healthy person would not respond that way, in my opinion, and indeed one of the other named bloggers responded with a respectful request not to be called out in the future.
If you really want to waste an hour of your life, then by all means read through the comments on the post. I skimmed quite a bit, but what stood out to me is the truth of what OHC wrote in her comment.
I don’t know if some of these women will ever heal; although, I certainly hope they do, despite the venom directed at me and other recovering cheaters. I doubt some of them will heal because they aren’t pursuing a path to healing. I don’t think you will truly heal if you choose to be bitter and spend time on blogs angrily lashing out at cheaters and judging other people for not being or doing what they think is right.
The above paragraph is my opinion, but I’m free to express that on my blog. I don’t say it in condemnation – far from it, I say it with a heavy heart. Call me naive, but I do want to see relationships restored, bitterness relinquished, marriages healed, and both spouses loved by the other. I don’t ever expect the pain to go away, but I do want to see individuals heal and move on with their lives.
Speaking of having a heavy heart, one of the things that surprised me was how many of my commenters and followers liked PW’s post and wholeheartedly agreed that people like me should shut the fuck up. Perhaps “surprised” isn’t even the right word. Saddened is more like it.
I understand not everyone who visits here is going to share my opinions 100%, but really? Saying I can’t express certain opinions AT ALL? Ever? Because I was wrong in the past? For my Christian readers, where does it say that in the Bible, exactly? Was Paul unable to denounce imprisonment, murder, theft, divisions, dissension, and persecution of the church because he previously did all those things to Christians before he repented? Was he unable to denounce lust because he too struggled with lust?
No, I am going to continue saying what I feel needs to be said. I will call sin what it is and I’ll try to offer sound advice. I will not tell betrayed spouses to STFU because they haven’t walked in my shoes. I’m going to continue to share the story of my past sins, as well as my repentance, struggles, and opinions on life and religion. I’m going to do my best to say it in love and gentleness. If I don’t or if that doesn’t come through in my writings, then please let me know where I’ve erred.