It’s been an interesting weekend. I had Friday through Tuesday off and I used that time to do a lot of work around the house. I’m in the middle of doing some remodeling to one of the rooms of our house which will probably keep me busy during non-work hours for the next couple of weeks. But for now I’m back to work (and blogging).
I want to give some background on my post from Sunday. Overall, I’m doing pretty well. The depression, and the suicidal thoughts in particular, have subsided considerably in the last month or so. The other night when I wrote Sirens was definitely the exception.
It was a weird thing. I was walking around the grocery store buying this and that for the coming week. Seemingly out of nowhere came those feelings I wrote about. For about an hour, I had this oppressive hopelessness and feeling of futility weighing me down. When I got out to the car, I quickly typed up my post on my phone. Then I had to put on the happy face and go home to my wife. I felt better at home, but I wasn’t completely right until the next morning.
I can still hear that siren call, even now, sitting at my desk at work. I choose not to listen to it, but it’s there. On Sunday, it was incessant and refused to be ignored.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling pretty good. I recently bought Mumford and Sons‘ second album, Babel. After my wife left in the morning, I put the CD on while I got ready to start working on the house. After sitting in the living room sobbing for about half an hour, I had to turn it off. I don’t even know why I was crying. From the first note of the first song, the music seemed to speak to some intense sadness and sorrow I didn’t know was there and couldn’t explain. It was feeling stripped of context and it was overwhelming.
So that was weird.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I put on an extended dance mix and immediately felt better. That was the end of that. I’m listening to the CD again this morning and whatever it said to me yesterday, I’m not hearing this morning. Here’s one of my favorite songs from the album. Hopefully it doesn’t do to you what it did to me yesterday.