The last week has been a bit odd between my wife and I. She’s been withdrawing from me. It started slowly, but it’s gotten worse since Friday. I went home at lunch today and we talked.
She’s convinced I’m having another affair. I tried telling her I’m not, but she doesn’t believe me. She says she sees me coming home from work tired and emotionally drained. I’m not terribly interested in sex, which is not that unusual since the affair, but it’s gotten worse lately. I’m not really talking with her about how I’m doing and what I’m feeling. She worries that I’m talking to someone else.
Well, that’s actually true, isn’t it? I’m writing my blog and I’m commenting on other blogs. I am not involved with anyone on here or in real life, but at the same time I’m pouring my heart out on my blog and on other blogs, and not with my wife. This blog has become the other woman.
So it has to stop.
I don’t know what that means, but business as usual can’t continue. My marriage is so much more important than this blog or the people I talk to and help with my blog. If writing meaningful, deep posts means I’m not saying those same things to my wife, then the posts have to stop.
As I see it, I have a couple of options.
- Don’t tell my wife about the blog and continue blogging
This is obviously not really an option for the reasons I’ve already stated. I don’t want to keep secrets from my wife and even though I started keeping this secret for what I thought were good reasons, God has made it clear to me that I need to stop hiding what I’m doing.
- Don’t tell my wife and stop blogging and/or delete the blog
This might be an option, but I don’t really think so. God has been convicting me of the need to show the blog to my wife. It takes a lot of trust in my wife to do so because I’m worried what she will do when she reads it. She may blow up. She may feel betrayed. But I’ve been honest in my writings and it’s all stuff she either knows or should know. So that leaves options 3 and 4.
- Show the blog to my wife and keep blogging
This is what I’d like to do if we can make it work. It will obviously change the nature of the blog for me to know my wife is reading what I’m writing. Then again, it’s long past time to be open and honest with my wife about everything. I think it might actually be a good thing for us and for you, the reader. If Anonyman could waive his magic wand (okay, if I had a magic wand which I could waive) I would have my wife on here with me, commenting on my posts, too, or even writing her own posts on this blog or her own blog. In any case, I’ve been writing things that I have been keeping inside so if a blog is what it takes to express that to my wife, hopefully that is a net win.
- Show the blog to my wife and stop blogging and/or shutter the blog
It’s probable that my wife will be upset when she finds out I’ve been writing a blog she doesn’t know about. I’ve purposefully not shared much about my wife because I don’t want to expose her, especially in case she ever saw the blog. Nevertheless, she may still insist that I take the blog down because of what I’ve shared or because it has become too much of a distraction to our healing. As my wife, let alone the woman I betrayed, she has every right to ask me to close the blog, but I hope she won’t.
So tonight, one of those 4 possibilities is going to take place. I fear that I’ve set myself up for another D-day situation by keeping the blog a secret. If the blog disappears, you know which direction things have gone tonight. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who’s been a part of this blog. I started out just three months ago in desperation because I felt like I had no where else to go. I see now that wasn’t really true, but nevertheless I have healed quite a bit through the process of writing about my struggles, my demons, my philosophy, and my religion.
The interaction I’ve had with my readers has been an integral part of that process. You’ve made me think and examine myself, and you’ve encouraged me when I’ve needed it. I’d like to think I’ve helped some of you as well, but even if I haven’t had much of an impact, just the act of giving out advice and caring for other people has helped me in my own healing.
I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but if I don’t see you all again, take care of yourselves. Remember that God’s grace is sufficient for you, no matter what you’ve done. Forgiveness from God and forgiveness for each other is far more powerful than the sin with which we wrestle daily. Christ has overcome sin and we are fellow conquerors through him, so go forth in His love and in His righteousness and spread the good news of His mercy.