Post 102 – Is This The End?

The last week has been a bit odd between my wife and I. She’s been withdrawing from me. It started slowly, but it’s gotten worse since Friday. I went home at lunch today and we talked.

She’s convinced I’m having another affair. I tried telling her I’m not, but she doesn’t believe me. She says she sees me coming home from work tired and emotionally drained. I’m not terribly interested in sex, which is not that unusual since the affair, but it’s gotten worse lately. I’m not really talking with her about how I’m doing and what I’m feeling. She worries that I’m talking to someone else.

Well, that’s actually true, isn’t it? I’m writing my blog and I’m commenting on other blogs. I am not involved with anyone on here or in real life, but at the same time I’m pouring my heart out on my blog and on other blogs, and not with my wife. This blog has become the other woman.

So it has to stop.

I don’t know what that means, but business as usual can’t continue. My marriage is so much more important than this blog or the people I talk to and help with my blog. If writing meaningful, deep posts means I’m not saying those same things to my wife, then the posts have to stop.

As I see it, I have a couple of options.

  1. Don’t tell my wife about the blog and continue blogging
    This is obviously not really an option for the reasons I’ve already stated. I don’t want to keep secrets from my wife and even though I started keeping this secret for what I thought were good reasons, God has made it clear to me that I need to stop hiding what I’m doing.
  2. Don’t tell my wife and stop blogging and/or delete the blog
    This might be an option, but I don’t really think so. God has been convicting me of the need to show the blog to my wife. It takes a lot of trust in my wife to do so because I’m worried what she will do when she reads it. She may blow up. She may feel betrayed. But I’ve been honest in my writings and it’s all stuff she either knows or should know. So that leaves options 3 and 4.
  3. Show the blog to my wife and keep blogging
    This is what I’d like to do if we can make it work. It will obviously change the nature of the blog for me to know my wife is reading what I’m writing. Then again, it’s long past time to be open and honest with my wife about everything. I think it might actually be a good thing for us and for you, the reader. If Anonyman could waive his magic wand (okay, if I had a magic wand which I could waive) I would have my wife on here with me, commenting on my posts, too, or even writing her own posts on this blog or her own blog. In any case, I’ve been writing things that I have been keeping inside so if a blog is what it takes to express that to my wife, hopefully that is a net win.
  4. Show the blog to my wife and stop blogging and/or shutter the blog
    It’s probable that my wife will be upset when she finds out I’ve been writing a blog she doesn’t know about. I’ve purposefully not shared much about my wife because I don’t want to expose her, especially in case she ever saw the blog. Nevertheless, she may still insist that I take the blog down because of what I’ve shared or because it has become too much of a distraction to our healing. As my wife, let alone the woman I betrayed, she has every right to ask me to close the blog, but I hope she won’t.

So tonight, one of those 4 possibilities is going to take place. I fear that I’ve set myself up for another D-day situation by keeping the blog a secret. If the blog disappears, you know which direction things have gone tonight. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who’s been a part of this blog. I started out just three months ago in desperation because I felt like I had no where else to go. I see now that wasn’t really true, but nevertheless I have healed quite a bit through the process of writing about my struggles, my demons, my philosophy, and my religion.

The interaction I’ve had with my readers has been an integral part of that process. You’ve made me think and examine myself, and you’ve encouraged me when I’ve needed it. I’d like to think I’ve helped some of you as well, but even if I haven’t had much of an impact, just the act of giving out advice and caring for other people has helped me in my own healing.

I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but if I don’t see you all again, take care of yourselves. Remember that God’s grace is sufficient for you, no matter what you’ve done. Forgiveness from God and forgiveness for each other is far more powerful than the sin with which we wrestle daily. Christ has overcome sin and we are fellow conquerors through him, so go forth in His love and in His righteousness and spread the good news of His mercy.

-Anonyman

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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18 Responses to Post 102 – Is This The End?

  1. 15gen says:

    I’ll be praying for you and your wife. You do what you need to do for your marriage! Blessings to you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This could be a great breakthrough for the two of you. I’m convinced it will be positive. My suggestion is that you show it to her, tell her you would like to keep blogging but will stop if she would like you to. Give her some time, as much time as she needs, to make that decision, then respect her decision

    The one thing you definitely need to do is not have secrets from your wife any longer. She may be upset at first, but this window into your mind will ultimately be helpful, I think

    Good luck, we are all here to support you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Before starting my blog, I spoke to my husband about it. I explained I needed a place to write out my story. A cathartic release if you will. He subscribes to my blog and knows everything. But this was always done with his blessing and he is even the one who set it up for me. I think that is where you went wrong Anonyman. But get it…

    I understand that you started your blog as a place to journal your thoughts. But obviously, over time, your wife has interpreted your lack of attention as you having another affair. I say come clean…explain how you started this blog with good intentions of having a place to vent. But how overtime, it grew into more. And it brought new distractions into your life which you didn’t foresee.

    Hindsight is always 20/20 Anonyman….I foresaw this scenario happening well before it I started mine which is why I got his blessing prior. It’s also why I don’t engage much on other blogs. If so, I am just getting sucked into some virtual world which is meaningless to me. I blog as a cathartic release. Love it or like it. Then I sign off. I don’t stick around to read every single post or get involved in debates. I focus my time on my marriage, the kids, my life etc. with blogging being a waning interest of mine. I suggest if you do continue, that you put some parameters in place regarding how often you want to post and how much time you are willing to set aside to post. Then stick with that. I am sure if you gave some concrete guidelines to your wife, she would be supportive knowing your blog hasn’t become the OW.

    Good luck, we’ll be praying for you guys.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      Hindsight is 20/20, but my foresight aspires to rise to the level of the merely myopic. I never expected this blog to go the direction it did or for the interaction to become such an important part of my life. I figured I’d just be blogging into the silence and just the experience of writing out loud would be all I needed and all I would get. I was honestly surprised the first time I checked my blog and had comments. Little did I know… So here I am, 12,000 hits and 800 comments later, finally doing what I should have done on day 1.

      Like

      • 11,500 hits coming from one country….but hey, hits are hits :-).

        Liked by 1 person

      • No offence here but isn’t that how an affair starts. You never expect how it goes… Then it just keeps growing and it drags you in with all the attention and partly, the good feelings of being acknowledged. And it’s so easy to justify its cause in your mind, that it’s just for healing or to help others. But in the end you’ve kept it a secret from your wife and its taken your attention away from your marriage and instead caused you to turn to others for comfort and support when really, this process no matter how painful should have been shared with your wife. I understand the reasons for starting the blog but in many ways as you’ve said it’s become the other woman, a mistake you hoped to never make again. I really hope your wife will understand and that everything will work out. And I also hope that this process has helped you gain more insight into your personality again and understand how you came to making this ‘final post’. Thank you for your honesty throughout and again I wish you all the best.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Janelle says:

    Selfishly, I am hoping for option 3 as best case, option 4 as second choice. Truly, I think it is important that you share the blog with your wife. She deserves complete transparency about your activities. While she may be dismayed at things you wrote about here and did not share with her directly first, it could be a stepping stone to a more candid and ultimately closer relationship.

    Restoring your marriage and relationship with Mrs. Anonyman is highest priority. Thoughts and prayers go with you tonight, and hopefully there is more of your hopeful journey to be shared.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. DJ says:

    I am praying for you and your wife. As a betrayed spouse, I know I would be hurt that my husband had decided once again to share details about himself with someone other than me. Feeling shut out and blind to what was once in his life makes me feel very sensitive and afraid of being shut out again. She seems to be feeling some of this already.
    Hopefully, after taking some time to think about it, she will see that this blog has been a positive thing that has clarified and affirmed your commitment to her. As a good communicator, you have certainly helped me to understand many things about my husband, who is not a good communicator. ~DJ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As a betrayed spouse, I can of course understand if she would want you to close it. Transparency is key in healing and she may well feel this has been violated. As DJ said above, we all feel very sensitive to being shut out. On the other hand, it could be a tool of healing. I have always thought it would be great if my husband and I could blog together. He isn’t ready for that, but we agree that we both hope to someday use our experience as a ministry and help other couples. Either ones who have unfortunately walked this path or ideally to prevent others from doing so.

    I wish you and your wife the best, and lift you both in prayer for healing journey forward.

    Like

  7. As always – you need to do the best for your marriage. I pray she can see and understand your need to blog, and your intentions in using this as a release. The respect to your wife has always been admirable.
    There are few safe places here – where you know the advice is solid and biblical and the person has integrity. For that I thank you. You and your wife will be in my prayers ongoing no matter the outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Let go says:

    Here comes preaching….you had an affair….probably the most destructive thing to do to a marriage, and of course it was a secret. Now you have another one. Your wife deserves complete honesty from you. She needs you to be totally open with her. After she reads the blog then you need to answer every single question she has. Please remember that her trust of you is so fragile right now. If it is hard to tell her the things you say on your blog then start writing her letters about how you feel. Good grief, does she even know that you thought about killing yourself? Please be honest with her. She sounds like a really special person.

    Like

  9. I had an affair says:

    I would suggest either stopping the blog altogether or showing her and continue blogging. You cannot show her the blog and then have to guard your thoughts. I totally agree though, that she is seeing you pour yourself into the blogosphere whether or not she knows about it. Having an affair? No… but in a way, you are doing the same steps as an affair in finding solace in something other than your wife, if that makes sense. So, either use the blog as your therapy and show her, or close down the blog and pour yourself back into your wife.

    Like

  10. ismeisreallyme says:

    Whichever you choose, know that you have people rooting for you and your amazing wife as you continue on your journey of healing. Truly.

    Like

  11. Praying for you, wife, family, relationship, and precious marriage. I hope she sees this before the beginning. I will miss you if you go, but understand. To Isle’s wife you are amazing. Isle has said nothing but graceful and loving things about you. I would love to have your stance on things because I truly struggle with so much and you have a heart like Christ which has given me hope on some of my darkest posts through your husband.
    I hope you start blogging. You are such a wonderful woman/sister in Christ. Thank you for your husband and I’m sorry you had to find out about us all later rather than sooner. I pray when you read this your heart will be softened by our words whether you want to blog, let Isle keep the blog, or whatever and whatever darkness forces a wedge between you during blog reveal will be broken. You are loved so much by us all out here in blogging land ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
    Those hearts are for my four blessings your husband has helped to foster their parents together through your family 🙂
    Isle family you rock.. I wish I could say M and I will make it.. but that's so unclear..
    Love
    NH and her 4

    Like

  12. First thing you need to telling the truth after that you guys need to decided together. Praying for you!

    Like

  13. chely5150 says:

    Yes I do agree that a blog that our spouses have no knowledge of isn’t the healthiest way to work on healing after an affair. As most others have stated, hopefully your wife will understand about your blog. I am hoping that she will she the strength you have gained through blogging, and will either join you or start her own. There is one blog I read that (actually two) that is written by the couple and how the are working to survive infidelity. Hearing both sides of their story is such an excellent way to help with healing. I believe you are an honest, remorseful man doing everything in his power to right a wrong. I hope your wife sees and understands that, many of us BS would give a lot for a spouse who made such efforts (as you have) to repair the damage done by having an affair. I will miss your writing, and insights but certainly understand if I see no further posts. I wish the best for your wife and you!!

    Like

  14. julesedison says:

    My husband and I had wondered if you had ever told your wife about your blog. It has been helpful for us to both read your blog. We also both read boosmom’s blog. Covering both sides of the issue, I guess. Your blog may be hard for her to absorb all at once. I wish the best for you and your wife, and hope that in the end, this opens up even more communication between you. Maybe she will find that the blog world is a place where she can find out that she is not alone. I found it very isolating to be dealing with this betrayal and IRL no one knew. Even without blogging, it has been extremely helpful to me. Make sure she knows that there are many, many people who have shared her journey, and who are willing to support her Good luck to you both.

    Like

  15. Matthew Oaks says:

    I found an answer to some of your questions in a book I am reading called How to Successfully Recover from Having Been Cheated On by Greg Smith @ http://www.been-cheated-on.com/ for the book info. I cheated on my spouse and we are working towards a new life together. But I had to know what she was feeling and since our communication still is a work in progress I tried to find literature on what she is feeling. His is an eBook and well worth the read. Hope you hang in there and as I found my marriage is the most important thing above all else.

    Liked by 1 person

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