Not the End, But a New Chapter

I can’t believe it’s 2015. I mean I really can’t. I keep thinking of the things that I need to get done before the end of the year and I have to remind myself that New Years day was a week ago.

One of the things I’ve been putting off is this post. I’ve had a few fits and starts, but I just couldn’t quite bring it together. I’m like that sometimes, especially when I’ve already put something off for a while. A simple task can become a looming obstacle, at least in my mind.

Anyway, my nearly three month hiatus not withstanding, I am not gone. I’ve used the time off to become closer to my wife and to take care of some things in real life that I have been putting off for a while.

Things continue to be difficult at times, but we’re good. Busy, too. My wife was upset when I told her about this blog, but she’s supportive of my continuing to blog. However, I will be making a couple of changes that we both agreed would be good for our marriage.

The biggest change of course is that she will be reading the blog and will have editorial control. We’ll see how that works out in practice, because neither of us know at this point. There won’t be anymore hiding things or saying things on the blog that I won’t say to her directly (and preferably before I post it on the blog). I won’t be saying things here that I couldn’t say to her, not because I’m going to start self-censoring, but because we’re communicating a lot better. We’re already doing that, which, come to think of it, is probably why I haven’t come back until now.

Another change is that I will probably not be as active on this blog or on other blogs. I was getting too wrapped up in other people’s lives and marriages, which is fine up to a point, but it was taking me away from my own marriage in terms of time and energy. I will still read some, and I will still be praying for my readers, but I’m probably not going to be commenting on other blogs much or at all.

The other big change is that the woman I had an affair with will no longer be known as Scarlet. My wife suggested her new name should be something that would make horses whinny, something like “Bertha” or “Blucher.”

To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a single reason why I chose Scarlet for her pseudonym. There is of course the reference to the character in Gone With the Wind, but as I’ve only seen that movie once (and nearly 20 years ago at that), I think that was a pretty minor influence. As far as references go, I was thinking more along the lines of The Scarlet Letter, since I metaphorically wear that letter now and (again, metaphorically) that letter is her.

I also thought it appropriate that her name should rhyme with harlot. As you readers know, I don’t condone that kind of name-calling or think of the guilty in such terms, but the rhyme seemed a mental, subtle nod the similarity between we cheaters and whores, harlots, and other such people.

Again, no single influence made me choose that pseudonym, it just seemed to fit at the time. Looking back, the name seems to glamorize her and what she did, and that’s wrong. There’s nothing glamorous or admirable about wrecking another person’s marriage because of your own loneliness, brokenness, or just plain selfishness. There’s nothing glamorous about betraying your marriage vows and enticing others to betray theirs because you are unhappy or abused. There’s room for pity, and my wife does have pity, but the other woman should not be glamorized.

In any case, when we decide on an appropriate name, I’ll probably go back and change the name. In the meantime, if I talk about her at all, it will probably be in non-specific terms.

As we start this new year (still can’t believe it), I want to end this post with a song. This is a special song that gave my wife and I hope for better times when all seemed black. We both must have listened to it dozens of times. It spoke to both of us for different reasons. When clouds and darkness seemed to blanket our lives, we looked forward to blue skies again. We still do and I hope you do as well.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in Editorial Note and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Not the End, But a New Chapter

  1. No way, I never thought I would see you in my newsfeed ever again! It’s like finding a forgotten Christmas present tucked under the bed. Yay–So happy for you Isle. And so happy that your wife has given her blessing for you to blog. Like I said before, you made a mistake in not getting her buy in before starting. I for one have missed your insight (especially the biblical side which I am still sorely lacking in). Your posts always provided great discussions between my husband and I. Welcome back. And…hello **waving hands** Mrs. Isleofaman!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes was like he’s back their here!! Yeah 🙂 Here’s t 2015 for all of us 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OHC says:

    Glad to see you back! And welcome to your wife

    Just a thought on the OW–no need to glamorize her, but I hope you don’t jump on the bandwagon of demonizing her either. You were always good about that. I understand your wife’s push, but just pick something simple/neutral like Jen or Meg, don’t make her out to be a devil that scares horses.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      No, I’m not getting on that bandwagon any time soon. Not only would it be hypocritical, but it would not show grace and forgiveness. I don’t know what name I’ll use, but it will be something in keeping with my usual tone towards other people. Or maybe I’ll just not talk about her at all – wouldn’t it be nice not to have to?

      Like

    • I had an affair says:

      I’ve always appreciated that too about you, Isle…

      Like

  4. I had an affair says:

    Glad to have you back..

    Like

  5. Glad your back! Welcome Mrs. Isleofaman!
    Openness is the best way to go. How can you fix things if a hidden part of you lives in a blog.
    Your blog helped my husband and I discuss his affair and gave me a better understanding though not the same situation but that other side of the story I needed to understand.
    About renaming “that which we shall not talk about” I don’t think giving an actually name to the AP would be benificial. When we gave something a name its like now it belongs to us like a pet. You dont need that attachment in your marriage. Eventually the new name will make you remember that person just like the old one did. Unless it’s something like Ass Hat:) but i digress…Welcome back!

    Like

  6. Welcome back Isle. I’m sure your sabbatical has done you wonders. Wishing you and Mrs Isle many blessings and a fabulous 2015!

    Like

  7. rac says:

    I always have thought of scarlet as in scarlet letter. But I certainly can relate to your wife as wishing for it to change. “Scarlet” has warm, romantic sense to it…

    When you come up with an appropriate and agreeable name, I could use some help coming up with on. I’ve tried, thus far I think I only use her initials. She needs a name…

    Glad to see you are back. I was worried. It’s probably occurred to you that I have “power-read” your blog the past few days. I want to feel the remorse and regret from my husband that I feel in your blog!

    Like

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