New Recycled Post (with minimum 50% post-blogger content)

I wrote the following comment the other day in response to the post “Doubt” on Life.Post.Affair.

What you’re going through is perfectly normal. It takes time…

Nearly two years on, there are still days when I just need to hold my wife. There are still times when she’s alone, even just for a shower, and it’s enough for those thoughts to take over. But it does get better.

Every bad day or bad evening is a chance for you two to heal together and grow closer. They are not wasted.

Life.Post.Affair Wife (hereafter known as LPAWife) responded:

I love my husband, I understand that he made a horrible mistake, and I want a life with him still. I just can’t wrap my head around being “disposable” enough to him that he could cheat on me. I sometimes feel like the “cheater” and my husband are separate entities. The cheater is the one who hurt me, who put his selfish desires in front of everything else. My husband is a good man, who did an incredibly awful thing.

To which I wrote back:

I know what you mean. I thought I could pursue my selfish desires and, as long as I kept it compartmentalized, it wouldn’t hurt anyone. I tried to love my wife and be a good husband even as I was destroying her and our marriage.

It’s not easy to reconcile the two, especially when faced with what I had done, and it probably isn’t easy for your husband either. But the fact remains that I was both and I was neither. Both the marriage and the affair had become fantasies that I lived in, while the real me was incredibly sick and hurtful. There were times before the revelation that I physically felt like I was being pulled in two different directions as the cognitive dissonance tore me apart.

Eventually you both have to realize that he wasn’t who either of you thought he was. Moving forward, he has to rise from the ashes as a new man, wiser and kinder from his self-imolation. Hopefully he realizes how blessed he is to have you beside him. I couldn’t have done it without my wife, for whom I’m eternally grateful.

The reason I’m posting this, besides the fact that I have three or four posts stuck in perma-draft, is that I shared this with my wife and she really liked what I wrote. It was meant to be just a couple of encouraging comments, but I ended up neatly summarizing my downfall and our recovery.

I think it’s important to realize that the person who cheated is the same person who was a wonderful (or maybe not so wonderful) spouse for all those years before the affair. No matter how much either the cheater or the cheated tries to split those two sides of the coin apart, they are still the same coin, and those two people are really just two aspects of the same broken person.

On the other hand, affairs can be incredibly destructive. They obviously destroy marriages and families, but they also destroy individuals. Whether we chose that destruction or had it inflicted upon us, each of us has a choice whether the person who emerges from that destruction is rebuilt in the image of the old or built in the image of something new – something better or possibly something worse.

I am the same man who was self-righteous but loving for all those years. I’m also the same man who foolishly thought he could have his own way without hurting his wife so long as I was careful. But those things don’t define who I am now. What defines me now is how I act, how I think, how I feel, and how I respond to the destruction I’ve caused. In all those ways, I have chosen and continue to choose a different way, a better way. I choose to die to self.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in The affair and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to New Recycled Post (with minimum 50% post-blogger content)

  1. Nephila says:

    It doesn’t have the ring of sincerity though becausw you are not prepared to say simply that you and Scarlet did a terrible thing for which there is no defence so don’t bother telling us about your marital problems. It is quite simply zero sum between your wife and your tart: any regard or excuse you give to your co-perpetrator is disloyalty and disrespect to your wife. Some wives don’t see that because they’ve drunk the OW kool aid and think that in some way it is always the man who victimized both. Except in rare instances of a true double life that is not true.

    Paul is not what he thought he was, he never will be and he knows it. It is an even bigger loss for him than for me, because to lose one’s self is like water in sand. Yet he did it to himself so he deserves no sympathy. She fully condoned and encouraged it so she is even worse. She had no character to lose, she was someone who had done it before and who was never a good person.

    The decision to stay has to be a rational one based on being able to see those behaviours gone and being treated in an exemplary way ever after. It has to feel genuine. Nearly four years after D Day I don’t think of the affair unless prompted. But I am not deluded enough to buy this “good people do bad things” line. When theyre doing SUCH bad things they are not good people anymore. It is a LONG road back from that and theres nothing retrospective about it.

    The bad person who cheated is the same person who you reconcile with. You do it on the basis they will be a good person. But it never erases the evil.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I had an affair says:

    Gosh, well said Nephi! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. CrazyKat1963 says:

    I really appreciate your comments on the other blog, and this post. It’s nice to get a different perspective, I guess a cheating man’s perspective. After my husband’s first disclosures and my constant question of how could he do such things? He said he didn’t know why, that he didn’t want to be doing it, but he didn’t know how to stop and he figured as long as I didn’t find out, he would eventually be able to stop, but of course he never was, able to stop. He kept thinking he could get out and I would never find out. I asked him if he really believed that if I didn’t find out, that he could just go on forever never acknowledging the truth about himself. Just because no one finds out you murdered someone, does not mean you didn’t murder them, for example. I had a very different childhood from my husband, but I still do not understand the rationalizations that went on in his head. Sometimes I just stare at him and think, who are you? After 30 years, how could I not see that other man? It is mind boggling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      I’m no psychologist, but that sounds like sex addiction to me. Addiction is no excuse, of course, but it explains the behavior and the rationalization. And you’re right – even if my wife had never found out, I still would have done a very bad thing. I would have known.

      I consider it a blessing that my affair came to light after just a couple of months in the manner it did. Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have ended it any other way. There always would have been “just one more hit” and every time I would have hated myself for it. Deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it had taken on a life of its own. So I compartmentalized it, shut it all off except when I wanted the high and afterwards I told myself “That was the last time. I’m going to end it this time, I swear. I just need to put it away for a bit until I deal with it. I just need to be good for a bit, then I can put a final end to it.” Back in its box it went until the shame, guilt, and self-hatred went away. Then the cycle would begin again.

      It’s completely sick and twisted, but that’s where I was. It also boggles my mind now and yet it was me doing it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • CrazyKat1963 says:

        Ha, I have not had a chance to read your blog other than this post as when I first found your blog you had just stated you were taking a break from blogging. After seeing your comments on other blogs, I realized you were back. My husband was diagnosed as a sex addict a year ago. When I started blogging three months ago, I had no idea there was a WP community devoted to betrayal, etc…

        Your thought process sounds like his, but you can write about it in a mature manner while he is still metabolizing the whole diagnosis, 12 step, therapy life he now lives. Workaholism and sexaholism were quickly traded in for recovery when his 8-year AP called my mobile and his world crumbled before him. It has been quite the journey.

        I will need to go back and read more posts before I understand your story, but it sounds like your perspective could be very helpful.

        Like

      • Foreverchanged says:

        Agony an- will you please expand on what you said about not ending your affair any other way, one more hit , taking on a life of is own, etc. My husband had so many opportunities to stop yet every time the same pattern played out and he continued for over 2 years. Like LPA says, it just guts you especially when discovery is the reason it stopped.

        Like

        • Anonyman says:

          Sorry I’m just now getting back to you. I’m not actively blogging at the moment.
          I suppose it’s not literally the only way it would have ended, but it took something like that. The reason I say that is it was very difficult and very painful to end the affair even with the very public way it ended. If I had tried to end it just by my own willpower, I don’t think I could have done it. I was too much in love with her and too addicted to the affair. By being this big, ugly, public thing, there was no way to weasel out of it, no way to minimize it, no way to cover it up. I had no choice but to come clean. Even at that, it took a long time to get to a place where I didn’t occasionally want to see her just one more time, just to talk to her, just to hear her voice and see her face. It might sound like I want to see her now, but I honestly don’t. My point is, it was difficult to end the affair and I needed some external things to keep me on the straight and narrow.
          As for the affair taking on a life of its own, I guess the easiest way to expound on that is to say that it started out as something that wasn’t really that bad that I took something from, but kept in check so I wouldn’t go “too far.” At a certain point, I lost control and it threatened to take everything from me. It was taking over my life and “too far” was a rapidly disappearing dot in the rear-view mirror. Instead of being a simple thing – getting physical or emotional pleasure from an illicit relationship – it became this malignant, multifaceted thing that I loved and hated at the same time, and felt powerless to resist.
          I don’t know your husband’s story, but if it’s typical, he probably tried to end it multiple times over those two years, but either he was addicted or he was emotionally involved or he was mentally ill to some degree. I don’t know, but those are all some of the reasons we cheaters do stupid, hurtful things even though we know we shouldn’t, and sometimes even when we don’t want to do it.
          I know it hurts that it took discovery for an affair to end. It sucks – I’ve lived it and I’ve seen it. All I can tell you is I wanted to end it and I tried to end it multiple times, but I was trapped and I needed exposure to finally break me free so my wife and I could start to heal. And we have healed. It still hurts for both of us, but we’re better now than we’ve ever been.

          Like

  4. Nephila says:

    I think what you have to factor in is a cheating man comes in types: IHAA is the totally unapologetic blame his wife type and the blogger here is the have his cake and eat it too type, he still wants to say his mistress is a good person even at the expense of his wife. Not the kind of cheating men with credibility. So i find his post reeks with insincerity and it is sad his wife can’t see it.

    Like

    • 15gen says:

      I didn’t hear him say his AP is a good person. Are you angry because he takes full responsibility for his own actions as opposed to saying his AP is fully responsible? He is responsible to his wife (and himself) for his own actions. Pinning any of this on his AP doesn’t hold him accountable for what he did. Frankly, I don’t know what your beef is with Anonyman. You come to his page & blast him for having an affair – of which he has repented for. How is that different than your husband, whom you say you’ve forgiven? You also have the nerve to blast his Anonyman’s wife on his own page! “Some wives drink the OW Kool-Aid”? Are you serious right now?? I’m fairly sure we all know the OW’s are also responsible for the affairs – HOWEVER – being that the OW are not directly involved with our lives they don’t owe us (the BS’s) a darn thing. Get over it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nephila says:

        Perhaps you need to read more of the blog where he won’t hold scarlet responsible for her part. It isnt blameshifting it is just truth. It doesnt reduce his responsibility it just recognizes hers. I would never have stayed with Paul if he wouldn’t say and believe she was a terrible person for her part and for her lack of remorse. Ive never mentioned his wife. I have no idea if she buys it that he can still think scarlet is a nice person. But many do and have said so. Im sorry you seem to buy it too by saying they dont owe us. They do. Would you run over someone who got in your way? No? So why is emotionally injuring them ok? You didnt promise them anything, yet you still dont assault them? Because we owe our fellow human beings and ourselves not yo be that person, to do no harm.

        Like

        • 15gen says:

          What good would it do for him to hold his AP responsible for his affair? He could have stopped it. He didn’t. He owes responsibility to his wife. He’s taking the responsibility.
          Had my husband told me his affair was his AP’s fault I would have slapped him and walked out of our marriage. He’s the one that made a vow to me & broke that vow. Not her. Therefore he needed to own up to what he did. Does my husband like his AP? No. But he takes full responsibility for his part in the affair. He can’t force her to take responsibility for her part. He can only own up to his. Does my husband’s AP feel remorse? Frankly, I don’t know & I don’t care. That’s on her. Does my husband know how she feels about the affair? No – he doesn’t speak to her. How she feels about the affair isn’t relevant to our marriage or my healing.
          Would I run over someone who got in my way? No…I hope not. But, some people would. It happens every day. Some people are just cruel and would do that type of thing. Other people do it because they truly don’t see the person standing in the way. Does that make it right? No.
          What do you want from your husband’s affair partner? Would it change things?
          I want nothing from my husband’s affair partner. Nothing at all. I used to think an acknowledgement of her wrongdoing would be helpful. But as time goes on I don’t think it would serve any purpose. It won’t change history. The AP’s aren’t part of our lives. If they feel remorse – fine. If they don’t – that’s on them. I refuse to spend my life contemplating her feelings and motives.

          Like

          • Nephila says:

            When two people equally do a terrible thing and one of them despises their own actions but refuses to despise the other person’s actions, theres nothing to that except that they protecting them. Covering for them. I hear that you don’t care but many do and i believe more should. Covering for your fellow perpetrator is a big red flag that youre not that sorry. I would never accept that from Paul. Lucky for me she showed her true self in so many ways that i think he hated her more than i ever did. Now its not even hate, just disgust.

            Like

            • 15gen says:

              Covering for her is not what he is doing. He simply cannot take not responsibility for her actions. He can only take responsibility for his.
              Covering is one thing. And I agree that’s disgusting. But taking responsibility for your own actions instead of shirking them on another individual is quite another thing. Happy to say my husband hasn’t done either.
              You still haven’t answered at what you are wanting from your husbands AP and how it would help you.

              Like

            • Nephila says:

              I have always said if she was broken by remorse the way he is it would be a huge help. It won’t happen. But for sure it would be wonderful to see.

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              I suppose therein lies the difference. I have no contact with the OW so her remorse or lack thereof is of no consequence to me. Perhaps if I had contact with her it would be a different story. However, remorseful or not it A) still doesn’t change the past and B) has no bearing on how I persue healing for myself.
              And although you are more than welcome to wonder about the possibility of my husband covering for his AP, your time would be better spent wondering why you prefer to hold your husbands AP to a higher standard than him. Your husband was equal to the task…and in the long run he’s the one who broke his vow to you. He wasn’t tricked by some whore. He didn’t fall in to bed with her…he made the choice. She had nothing to lose….he had everything to lose and still took the risk. Now your “job” is to decide if the man who cheated is a cheater for now and evermore or if you married a good man who made a horrible decision and if he has the willingness and capability to become the man he should have been.

              Like

            • Nephila says:

              I dont really think contact makes the difference. If her letter right after he dumped her had been an apology instead of a 10 page justification and then we had never seen her again it would have been MUCH better than the justification letter with the patronizing “I give him to your care” nonsense she went on with.

              Why are you so keen to let her off? Why do you suppose that disgust at her and those her defend her amounts to letting him off? It doesn’t. I am not holding her to a higher standard, but I hold her to some standard above total slut, yes. So be it. And people who use words like “your time would be better spent” when they don’t know how I spend my time, well, don’t have much traction and frankly start to sound like apologists for her. Why do you feel such a need to defend her from disgust? What’s in your past or family that you aren’t disgusted by her?

              Its funny how OW and fake remorseful husbands covering for them do play the “he made the vows” card. He also lived with me. We had struggles with careers, children, moving, deaths…we had a happy marriage but we had grievances as everyone does. He let his justify his affair to himself for a while and i didnt and i am proud of that and he’s ashamed. But at least he wasn’t the equivalent of the stranger on the street who runs you down just because you are there. To me that IS worse.

              I have said before that my neighbour has a dog i hate. It scares my children and messes up my yard and has attacked people. It would be easy to run over it on my way home. But I don’t. Because it would be evil and beneath me. But OW have no such scruple.

              If you are happy with your husband not being disgusted with someone like that then i am just glad youre happy. But i am entitled to have my own opinion of it. Anyone who has to use “but” or equivalent and who will not see her as the evil creature she is, isn’t someone *I* would find very convincing in his “remorse”. Hence my skepticism about the post. End of. I have not found him sincere since soon after he started because of how he shields Scarlet. Too fishy by half. But if you want to buy it of course go ahead 🙂

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              Ahhh…ok…that gives a little light to your POV now. You received an “apology” letter from her after the affair? I would be angry too, had my husband’s AP rolled out a letter justifying what she did. And honestly, it probably would have made one more hurdle in the healing to jump. Thankfully, I’ve never heard a peep…even when I lost my head & screamed at her outside of a department store one day about 6 weeks after D-day.
              I’m not letting the OW off the hook. But perhaps she shouldn’t be held to a higher standard than “slut”…there are some of those roaming around the world. Maybe that’s what your husband found. Maybe that’s what my husband found – IDK. Point being, maybe your expectations of her are too high. Is that sad? Yes. But, it’s the world we live in.
              My counselor told me early on that it’s often easier to be more angry with the OW than our own spouses – especially if we are trying to reconcile our marriages. And I certainly found that to be the case. And some days it still is.
              You’re right – your husband did live with you – day & day out…because he made vows to. And he broke those vows. The OW promised you nothing & owed you nothing. I’m not defending her, but you can not put this all on her shoulders, which is what it sounds like you are doing. Each person has a part to play. And each person must take responsibility for his/her own actions.
              As I mentioned before, my husband does not like his AP…so not sure how you figure he’s ok with her.
              Again, I’ve never noticed Anonyman to “shield” his AP. He simply takes responsibility for his affair.
              And BTW to crucify another on his/her own blog is disrespectful at best…and honestly, no better than running over your neighbors dog.

              Like

            • Nephila says:

              I disagree entirely and I do not think getting a non-apology made any difference. Getting a real apology would. And yes I hold her to a standard of decent behaviour. As I do this blogger and my husband. The difference is my husband meets it and exceeds it.

              I am sorry you cannot see this blogger is incapable of seeing Scarlet in a bad light. So be it. I hope your husband is better than that for your sake. But he only will be if you expect it.

              As for criticising a blogger that’s what happens when you blog. I find him insincere and unable to criticize his OW. I am entitled to say I see that. You are the one who made such a fuss about it.

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              No. What I made a “fuss” about was initial reply to his post – where he’s talking about the WS being 2 different people, yet being the same person. I get it. I see it. My husband sounds very much like this man. I’ve seen the remorse in my husband’s eyes.. So it’s easy for me to hear the remorse in these words as well.
              what I don’t understand is how you would seemly gain pleasure from this man rehashing his affair and then blaming the other woman for it. It’s his blog. He should take responsibility for his actions…after all…this is his form of therapy.. No therapist worth his salt would allow a BS to blame another for the choices they made. Not blaming the OW and covering for the OW are two totally different things.
              It almost comes across as your husband is the only man who can cheat and then redeem himself. Either that or you are struggling to heal and move on with your life and find it appalling that some of us choose to do just that.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Anonyman says:

              Gen, you’ve read my blog, so you know Nephi and I don’t see eye to eye. What you may not know is that I am far from the only one. She doesn’t hate me because I’m a cheater, she hates me because I have a different opinion about recovery and repentance. That’s why she dumps on nearly everyone’s blog at some point – because everyone else, BS and WS alike, are doing it wrong and that invalidates her experience as being The Way to recover. You can’t reason with her, you can only agree with her or deal with the angry consequences.

              Liked by 2 people

            • 15gen says:

              Maybe I should check out this chicks blog. I can’t wait to see what she posts there.

              Like

            • Anonyman says:

              Yeah, it would make for some interesting reading. I wonder if she would grant me access…

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              What?!?!?! She blocks it?!? Oh…she must not like people “dumping” on her site like she does.
              Btw have you ever noticed the irony of her “name”? Nephila is derived from ancient greek…it means fond of spinning. 😆

              Like

            • Anonyman says:

              A psychologist would have a field day with the names she uses for herself and others.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Anonyman says:

              By the way, when you’re done, I’ll stop approving her comments

              Liked by 1 person

            • 15gen says:

              Ok. Done now. I’ve seen the crazy train circle the block long enough.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Nephila says:

              Youve bought the OW line that blaming one takes responsibility from the other. I am sorry you have. And no, I know at least two other ex cheaters who have redeemed themselves. So I do not need to drop my standards and gloss over it. I just find it sad when delusion passes as healing. But everyone is entitled to that as long as they don’t harm others (and that’s the difference between BS and OW/WS).

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              Nope. Haven’t bought anything. Again I say (for the umpteenth time) EACH must take responsibility for his/her part.
              Delusion is accepting a man was duped into cheating. Healing begins with accepting responsibility. We learned that in counseling too. It’s very beneficial. Try it some time.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Nephila says:

              Ive never said he was duped. This is not about his responsibility which is 100%. It is about us holding her responsible for her role 100%. Im really sorry you can’t hold her equally responsible and that it seems he cannot. No counsellor worth their salt should be advocating taking ANY reaponsibility for her, by him or you. You seem intent to do it though.

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              You can’t force someone to take responsibility for something. A jury can convict, and the criminal may have committed the crime, but if they refuse to accept responsibility you can’t force them. All you can do is have them serve the punishment that was handed out. In the case of adultery that is something they will deal with later.

              Like

            • Nephila says:

              Heres the giveaway “I’m not defending her but”. Yes, you are. As the blogger does. He is still Scarlet’s man in his heart and will be until he is disgusted not only by his own behaviour but hers. It is curious why you need to defend the OW and let her off the hook. I certainly don’t let either of them off.

              Like

            • 15gen says:

              If that’s what YOU see so be it. You can call a rose the moon, but that doesn’t change that it IS IN FACT a rose. You’re crazy and I’m tired. Go away.

              Like

            • Nephila says:

              Im glad you don’t think he’s covering but i wonder. And as for this blogger, he SURE is. I can’t count the number of times he has deflected criticism of his or any OW. That says a lot.

              Like

            • Anonyman says:

              Enjoy your conversation with 15gen because when it’s over your comments will be going back to spam. I’m under no obligation to allow your nonsensical, hate-filled ravings on my own blog. A lot of people have read my blog cover to cover, including my wife and 15gen, and you’re the only one who sees these things in my writings.

              Like

  5. I am hoping someone can help me out here…I am 3 years 4 months post D-Day and I cannot understand or reconcile the statement ” I am a good person who cheated on my spouse”. Does this not make sense to anyone but me… That is not a good person in my mind and yes, I don’t think my husband is a good person after he cheated on me. You can use all the psycological bs you want about compartmetalizing, rationalizing and all the other terms used to somehow make believable…good people do bad things. No… good people don’t do bad things. Good people do make mistakes, but I would like someone to also help me with, “I slepted with someone outside our marriage, I broke our marriage vows, I shattered your heart and world, knowingly chosing to do this, but it was a big, big mistake. How is this a mistake?? Sorry I really need help with this one.
    Thanks.

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      So before I answer your question in full, let me ask you a few questions of my own. Do you think your husband was a good person before he cheated on you or has he always been a bad person and that’s why he cheated? Does cheating make your husband a bad person for life or is there some possibility for rehabilitation? What makes a person good vs. bad? Is there a list of things that automatically qualify you as bad or is it a case-by-case thing based on a pattern of behavior?
      These may sound like facetious questions, but I’m quite serious. These address the underlying assumptions of your questions.

      Like

      • Thankyou for your reply. I see I should have used spell check on my initial post. Anyway, I will try to be as short as possible on my answers to your questions. I appreciate your reply and your questions to get me thinking.

        1. Do I think he was a good person before he cheated? Yes I did think he was a good person. And for the last three plus years I question if I really ever knew him.
        2. Does cheating make my husband a bad person for life? Yes, in my eyes he will be as he chose to do this most hurtful thing to me and our marriage and our lives, and every day I see him, I am reminded of what he did. Of how little he thought of me or our marriage.
        Rehabilitation?? Not sure if there is a rehab program for adultery.
        3. What make a person good vs. bad? I think we all know what the “things” are that make a person good vs. bad, and I think we could all come up with a list. I have my list, and I use it to guide me to be a good person, a moral person, a person with integrity and a person who knowingly, and by choice, would not hurt anyone, let alone hurt those I love. I know this sounds very righteous and in the case of adultery, and my story, I can be. I can honestly say without pause, that I would never cheat on my husband. I say it, and I mean it with everything I have. I would not why, because it is wrong to be married and cheat on your spouse. I believe that my husband believes that, I think everyone here believe that. Kind of black and white.

        Like

  6. Nephila says:

    Spot on. Good people get frustrated, have arguments, snap at people. Those are just human mistakes. Good people do not knife you in the hallway or cheat on you. Exactly. They may have once been good people but they cease to be so when they do such harm. They be good people again one day but it will never undo that they were bad and if will take a huge amount of remorse.

    Like

  7. These are interesting thoughts. I appreciate your honesty and thoughts Anonyman, they are enlightening and thought provoking. My thoughts to your question on what is a good vs evil person. From a Christian perspective, we are all sinner and thus there is really no such thing as a “good” person. We simply strive to do what is right in God’s eyes and only by God’s grace and through Jesus Christ are we absolved of our sin.

    But I guess on Earth, what makes a person good vs bad is defined by their choices. And these choices are steered by their motives, ethics, and morals. We make good choices and we make bad choices. I think while someone is faithful and a love spouse and chooses to stand by their vows – these are good choices and that makes him a good person. For someone to break their vows and have an affair, that is a bad choice (morally), and that makes him a “bad” person. Does that make him a bad person for life – its a hard answer because that choice will always be a part of that person’s history. That person can change and make good choices again in the future, but he can never “undo” those choices – it is a part of him.They will never be as “Good” as before. I think we’re ultimately defined by our choices and also by how we view ourselves, and how other view you. He’s the interesting part though; I think there is a way to atone for our actions, and be “good” people again – that’s something called forgiveness or grace. Forgiveness is a gift that doesn’t erase the past, but it absolves our sin as someone forgives us, and in turn, we can forgive ourselves.

    Again, the terms good/bad really is relative, a way to measure against a set of morals – either of our own, or someone else’s eyes. Its interesting to see how your posts change throughout your journey. If your set of morals is complete different from someone else’s, it’s definitely possible to be both a “Good” person and a “bad” person depending on who’s eyes you look through. For the most part, I think we are judge through the morals set by society. I don’t think you could be as “positive” in your posts or as encouraging as you are today without the forgiveness and grace of your wife. As you said, you could not be here today without her. You used to see yourself as a “bad” person for having the affair and causing the destruction that you admit to – if your wife never forgave you, would you have the same views of yourself today? Its a parallel to what we believe as Christians as well – without God’s forgiveness, we will always be sinners.

    It seems now, that you have been forgiven, you have a very different take on things – that we are all broken. That one can be a good husband and still be a cheater. Sometimes, I do think your posts do take on a bit of a self-righteous tone, which you’ve also noted. I think for the betrayed spouses out there, in their eyes, their husbands would be bad people, or good people that made bad choices. The pain and destruction they were given – a “good” person does not deliver such evil. So yes, the cheater is a bad person in their books. You were also that bad person once. You moved forward with your wife’s forgiveness. You made good choices and ultimately you were redeemed not only by your actions, but also by your wife’s love. I think similarly, the only way for BS to move forward is be able to forgive their WS actions and allow the WS to be a “Good” person again in their eyes. And if the WS does not make “good” choices to show remorse and deal with the pain they caused – I think they will always be a ‘bad” person, at least in the BS’s eyes, and may be in many other people’s eyes. But he may be a “good” person for his AP. I guess in the case of infidelity, the most important opinion is still the BS’s in determining good vs bad.

    What do you think.

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  8. Let go says:

    I have been following this blog since you started it. I am not the Nephila, I have no anger, I have just frustration. One thing, this argument about good versus bad is moot to me. When you say I made a bad decision, and hurt my wife, and Scarlet’s husband you are skimming the surface. There are so many excuses across these blogs about inexcusable behavior. All of you are adults. One definition of adulthood is the ability to say “no” to oneself and to postpone pleasure. The society we live in is now appears to have erased that definition. The long lines every time a new tech product is introduced shows how much we want it when we want it and we want it right now. During your affairs someone let the other one know they were interested. That interest was reciprocated. Flirtations began. Someone touched someone, perhaps so-called accidentally. Then another touch, then another touch. Someone kissed someone. It was fun to feel that rapid heartbeat. It was titillating to know someone saw you sexually. You were not in a fog. You knew what you were doing every single step of the way. The fact that you had a wife or a husband or children no longer mattered to you. You were going to have what you wanted when you wanted it. You were not a mature adult. Please do not insult the intelligence of betrayed spouses and others by saying you did not know you were capable of this and do not know why you did it. You did it because you wanted to. So many of you get on each other’s blogs and sooth each other. It is a crock of shit. I know families that were cheated on and the children paid such unbelievable prices. The betrayed spouses never completely recovered. What you did was an abomination and it is right there for you to see in the 10 Commandments. The first time you knew you were going to have sex either as a married person or with a married person you should have been honest and said it’s going to happen. Then the spouse had the right to say “go for it” or “get out”. You had no other choice. So, just looking at the 10 Commandments you managed to rack up a pretty impressive bunch of sins. You coveted, you committed adultery,and you murdered a marriage. Congratulations.

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    • Anonyman says:

      No, no, congratulations to you on your sainthood. Seriously, get the fuck off your moral high horse. You may not get on here and post with Nephi’s rage, but you’ve pretty much convinced me you’re a troll.

      You aren’t adding anything to the conversation. All you have ever done is get on my blog and condemn me over and over for the stuff I’ve already admitted to. Why do you even bother? Do you think maybe your 50th comment will somehow get me to see that affairs are selfish and bad for families? I assume you are not an actual imbecile in the clinical sense and I know you’ve read my blog, so I can only assume you haven’t missed my numerous confessions and acknowledgments of how I hurt others. Either you think I’m insincere or you know I know this. If I’m insincere, then why are you wasting time on the blog of a man you believe to be insincere? If you know I know what I did was wrong, then what is the fucking point of telling me over and over that I was wrong? What satisfaction do you get from that? Does it make you feel better about yourself to get on here and denounce a cheater over and over? I am not putting myself out here so you can make me your punching bag, so just stop already.

      As for all the psychological BS you despise, I would agree with you if I was making excuses for what I did by saying I was in a fog, addicted, or any of the other ways I or others have used to describe the thinking during the affair. But I’m not excusing it, I’m describing how it happened and the rationalizations and twisted thinking that was going on during a very fucked up time in my life. I’ve taken great pains to make a clear distinction between describing the thinking and circumstances of the affair and excusing the selfish, hurtful decisions I made. It’s apparently a distinction you either can’t or won’t see. I can only guess as to why you are determined to see me in the worst possible light and therefore feel justified in shitting all over my blog. The irony is that so many betrayed spouses can see the distinction and yet you, a spouse who has not been betrayed, cannot.

      Look, if you want to second-guess everything I say or if you want to purposefully misread what I write to put me in a bad light, that’s your right, but do me a favor and keep your self-righteous condemnations to yourself next time.

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