The Aftermath

This is the final part of a three part series I wrote in March. It will make much more sense if you go back and read Friday’s and Saturday’s posts. -Anonyman

When I finally told my wife the awful truth I had been keeping inside, she told me she was done. She told me to get my things and get out of the house. I don’t really remember what was said. I think she asked some questions about what I had done and I answered them truthfully. She was nearly hysterical with anger and anguish, and I couldn’t blame her.

I sat stoically as she poured out her righteous anger on me. I took the verbal and physical abuse I so richly deserved. I didn’t put up any defense because there was none for my actions. I gave up. I don’t remember what my plan was, but it involved cashing in my life insurance policy to everyone’s satisfaction and benefit. I don’t remember if she asked and I told her my plan or if she just guessed it.

What I do know is that I broke down and sobbed like I hadn’t sobbed in a very long time. My wife, the angel that she is, couldn’t help but try to comfort me once I got started. I didn’t want her comfort and I certainly didn’t deserve it.

I had betrayed her again and again, both physically and emotionally, and I had held my poisonous secret for almost two years. When opportunities had arisen to come clean, I had hardened my heart and said in my heart that I would take the awful truth to my grave. The pain of keeping that secret became my atonement for the deeds I’d done. I convinced myself that through an act of sheer will I would be a good, trustworthy husband in spite of the lies I had to tell to spare her the pain of the truth.

As I sobbed, having finally unburdened myself of the awful lie, I had nothing left to lie for and nothing left to live for. I wanted to sink into the ground and never been seen again. I didn’t even care if there was an afterlife that I would be headed to. What I very much preferred was a permanent end of existence – the end of Anonyman and his endless string of betrayals, fuck-ups, and mistakes.

But it was not to be.

Instead, my wife held me in her arms as I sobbed and told her all the ways in which I didn’t deserve to exist, all the ways in which I was unworthy of her or anyone else. She told me she loved me and that she wasn’t going to give up on me. She told me that, in spite of what I had done, I wasn’t worthless or evil or any of the other things I thought of myself. She told me that I was going to get help.

And I did.

As soon as the health clinic opened up the next morning, I was there. After all the struggles I’ve previously written about on this blog and many more beside, I finally got on an antidepressant and I scheduled a visit to a therapist. There were no more excuses. I had hit rock bottom, and I had done it with my wife beside me. We gave each other the strength to get back up and get help.

So in spite of all I’ve done, she loves me and she saved me. God bless my wife.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
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11 Responses to The Aftermath

  1. LPA Wife says:

    God bless her indeed. Be worthy of this second chance; prove that she’s right in seeing good in you. Also, good for you for going on anti depressants. There is still a negative connotation in some circles for using them, even when they are needed!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      It’s a shame that they do have a negative connotation. I was not against them in theory, but until I hit rock bottom I didn’t realize just how much I needed the help. I’d been depressed for so much of my life, I didn’t remember what normal felt like.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. julesedison says:

    I wanted to read all three before commenting. I’m confused on the timeline. Were you still in contact when you were first writing your blog? My heart goes out to your wife. When the second shoe drops, it is so very devastating. It seems to be a part of so many of these stories. Trickle truth and lying to not hurt your betrayed spouse DOES NOT WORK! I’m glad you both are in better place now. Be worthy of her. Jules

    Liked by 1 person

    • Anonyman says:

      It’s funny how when you write about something that happened to you, your mind fills in the blanks so it makes sense. I wrote another post to clarify the timeline, but the short answer is no, I was not having contact while blogging. The last contact I had with the other woman was approximately three months before I started the blog.

      Like

  3. Foreverchanged says:

    I was nauseous reading this. I too am confused on the timeline. I know you hurt but your wife must either be devastated or resigned that to survive she must emotionally distance herself.

    All I can say at this point is to quote Saving Private Ryan, “Earn this.”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beauty from ashes. You wife has a tremendous amount of love and therefore grace for you. This is real love – not that secret romance, or those urges, or the fantasy behind any affair – but real, unconditional, selfless love. Don’t ever doubt or take it for granted again.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. What in the hell? You made me think you were all faithful in reconciling too. Wow.. guess Charles isn’t the only guy to pretend.
    Geesh you would even pretend here with people who don’t even know you.. remember that time I wanted to email you and you were all
    I don’t want to be emailing a woman I don’t even know.
    And I was like I’m so sorry I didn’t even think of it like that but I super understand.
    And you were in contact the whole time?
    Wow.. and then when you got on my ass about Charles and wow..
    mindblown
    Anony..
    Seriously..
    Your wife is so much a better person than I am.
    She should have a blog.
    Don’t get me wrong not judging you, I mean you are some guy in WordPress and my opinion of you means nothing
    But wow the delusions..
    Why here though.. why play like you were reconciling?
    To keep up appearances in a real word and anonymous in wordpress why?
    What did you gain from it?

    From corresponding as a husband truly reconciling?
    Maybe I ask because I still wonder about Charles
    Not if he’s cheating but the thought processes of not just lying to everyone but to one’s self that it sets into all facets..

    Well glad you came out.. it would have eventually..

    Like

  6. RatherBeMe says:

    Anonyman, I understand. We are all different, and we all see things differently, and we all do things differently.

    Liked by 1 person

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