The Timeline

Based on some of the comments I’m getting, I have no been sufficiently clear on what happened when, especially as it pertains to the writing of this blog. The easiest way for me to clarify this is to post the timeline of the last three and a half years. Dates for some things are approximate because after this amount of time I just don’t remember some specifics.

September 2012 – I met the other woman for the first time

October 2012 – The other woman and I began talking online. Initially this was work-related, but the talk became more personal over time as the acquaintanceship developed into a friendship.

February 2013 – A line was crossed where the talk became too personal. There was flirting too, but it was the deep sharing that started to kindle feelings for the other woman. By Mid-March it had developed into an emotional affair

Late-March 2013 – The physical affair began. I’ll spare both the writer and the reader any account of the details.

May 15, 2013 – The other woman and I were caught making out in a car and cited for Lewdness by an over-zealous police officer.

May 17, 2013 – The first no-contact period began by mutual agreement between myself and the other woman.

May 19, 2013 – D-day. Enough said.

May 20, 2013 – I confessed to my pastor and elders. I also setup joint counseling for my wife and I and she began seeing an individual counselor.

May 21, 2013 – The other woman initiated contact via phone.  I told her not to call again and then told my wife that I had talked to her (which I had promised I wouldn’t do).

June through mid-July, 2013 – As best as I can recall, there was no contact during this time. In July, I began seeing my first therapist.

Late July, 2013 – A brief period of contact began and ended after 2-3 days.

August or September, 2013 – The court case was taken care of and I believe there were a few IMs in September.

October, 2013 through January, 2014 – I don’t believe there was any contact during this time, and my wife and I continued both individual and couples counseling.

February, 2014 – A few IMS were exchanged.

March, 2014 – My last appointment with my first counselor.

April, 2014 – A few IMS were exchanged after which I told her that I would not talk to her anymore. I had said this before and meant it, but this time I stuck with it. This was the last time I said anything to her in any form.

May, 2014 – The one-year anniversary of D-day.

July, 2014 – I wrote my first blog post from my hotel room in Canada.

August, 2014 – I began blogging regularly

October, 2014 – I told my wife about the blog and took a break from blogging until she was okay with my resuming

November, 2014 – This was the last time the other woman tried to contact me.
She had also tried in May and August, but I did not respond to any of her attempts

December, 2014 – I began blogging again

January, 2015 – I voluntarily stopped blogging for my wife’s sake.

April, 2015 – My wife was hospitalized for severe panic attacks and depression, and was subsequently released on antidepressants

May, 2015 – I confessed to my wife that I had intermittent contact with the other woman until April of 2014. I went on Zoloft and began seeing my current therapist.

March, 2016 – I wrote the three posts I finally published late last week.

Which brings us to now, June of 2016.

I understand some of you feel I’ve been dishonest. There’s some validity in that. I walked a fine line between being open and honest about my feelings, experiences, and opinions while also keeping a few things to myself that I considered too private, too personal, or simply too damning.

I told the truth when I said I was strict NC with the other woman and have been since before I started blogging two years ago. I very earnestly told the truth when I counseled people not to give in and have contact because it would hurt everyone involved. I never explicitly said I had broken NC in the months after D-day, but I also never explicitly said I hadn’t. I can see where many of you consider this lying by omission, and I don’t really have an answer to that charge.

All I can say in my defense is that I was really messed up. I had done something horrible and I was sure that if I ever told a single living soul that it would be the end of my marriage, the end of my wife, and the end of me. I wanted to believe I could walk the straight and narrow and be worthy of my wife’s love, that being good to her now would make up for what I had done, and that the price of her love was to keep the secret of my past sins to myself as my personal burden and penance.

But that’s not how it works. The lies and the secrets were killing me emotionally, and that disease had managed to infect her and our marriage, too. She didn’t know what was wrong, but it was killing her, filling her with doubts and fears. So when she finally asked me what I hadn’t told her, I couldn’t pretend that my secret past didn’t affect her. I couldn’t bear to tell her one more lie after all I had already done to her.

So I told her, and now I’ve told you. Judge me now how you like.

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About Anonyman

Recovering adulterer and husband of an awesome wife who has given me a second chance. Sinner and Christian, saved by grace alone. I cuss a lot
This entry was posted in The affair, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The Timeline

  1. Moi says:

    Among betrayedspouses who are blogging there imust be a Cheater’s Handbook. Because all the cheaters say the same thing they are convinced it is out there. I am not going to use quotation marks, it takes too much time. Here are the excuses bs say their cheaters use routinely. I’ve never been happy, I should not have married you, I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore, she is my soulmate, she makes me happy, I have the right to be happy don’t I, the kids will get over It, I have never felt like this before, and on and on. It is really amazing how these affairs that begins in middle-age have a definite timeline. You spend the best part of your day, the best part of your energy at work. When you come home you’re facing the mundane. There is a person at work who thinks you are perfect. All of the worries you have, bills, children, job problems, stress, arguments with your spouse, aging and on and on go by the wayside when you are with this person. You feel euphoric. Well, euphoria never lasts. By then you have harmed the person who loves you and sometimes your children.
    Some marriages make it through and others do not. You must have treated your wife terribly for her to have fallen in such despair that she was hospitalized. I know a couple where the cheating was as short as your but his wife has never forgiven him because he treated her like dirt while he was involved with the other woman. His wife said that alone drove a stake in the heart of theirmarriage .
    I am always surprised at how people who profess deep faith can justify cheating. It is right there in the Ten Commandments.

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    • Anonyman says:

      No, I did not treat my wife so terribly that it put her in the hospital, nor was it despair that put her there. I have not shared, nor will I share, what her diagnosis is, nor will I share what her past is and how it contributed to the hospitalization. I confess to my part, and awful though it be, it is only a part.

      You say you are surprised at how people of faith can justify cheating. First, I do not justify my cheating or anyone else’s cheating. It is wrong, sinful, and hurtful. Second, you should not be surprised if you know the Bible. It contains not only the ten commandments but also the history of people of deep faith who have violated those commandments over and over. The message of the Bible is not “be perfect and you’ll be okay with God”, but “you’re imperfect, but God is gracious.” People of deep faith (not that I’ve even claimed to be so) still sin because they are still sinners. I have not and will not ever claim to not be a sinner, but I will claim to be forgiven by God’s grace. I’d be happy to talk more about my faith if you are truly interested.

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  2. RatherBeMe says:

    Quit letting others beat you up over this. You are the only one who has to walk in your shoes. I get that even though you wrong, you were trying to protect all involved. Maybe not the best choice, but it was your choice to make and you made it. Sounds like it worked out for the best. Isn’t that what we are all after? Stay the course, you headed in the right direction.

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    • Anonyman says:

      You misunderstand. I’m not letting others beat me up over this. I stopped letting commenters do that a long time ago.
      I had my reasons for not sharing all, but ultimately they were to protect the bigger lie I was telling my wife. Both deceptions were wrong. I’m not happy about my past choices, but I’m secure enough in who I am that I can admit I was wrong.

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  3. We’re all sinners and the fact is sin is sin. In this day and age – it seems that society puts certain sin above others. No of us is perfect, the only thing we can do is try to be the best that we can. And sometimes we fail. But its not only the choices we make to resist temptation, but it’s the choices that we make afterwards to repent and seek forgiveness that really matters. Of course, it is never ok to say “we’re all flawed” and therefore “my mistake is ok”. That should never be an excuse post infidelity for a cheater to come to terms with that they did, and expect they deserve forgiveness from the spouse and move on. A true repentance comes from humbleness.

    I appreciate you sharing your story so publicly and it definitely has helped many people walking the same path on both sides. You were brutally truthful, as very reflective. Perhaps many readers here have developed a falsely righteous impression of you. In some ways, I think many of us were rooting for you – and to hear your “failure” has disappointed some. But this is a blog – we don’t know you – and I don’t think we have any right to judge or be disappointed in your story. This is your outlet. I respect that.

    I am so happy to hear that things are going well for your marriage. I am grateful for your blog. I hope you and wife will continue to reconcile life long, and live out what God intended for your marriage. I hope you’ll be wiser in the future to recognize the lies and temptations ahead, and to keep fighting for your marriage and not give up. You were/are blessed with a wonderful wife. Don’t let the spirit of lust, impatience, self-righteousness or anger lure you away again. Protect her. and your marriage.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Foreverchanged says:

    I concur with stupidrandomcomments reply. Thank u for the timeline and explanation. It does make a difference. I, and other BS, are just so sensitive to lies and deception because of what we’ve been through. I thought, initially, you had tried to deceive us too. Your blog has provided a different perspective and much needed insight for us BS. Thank you and please continue this blog. Recovery is not neat and tidy for any of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have always enjoyed reading your blog and I am happy you are back.

    There is freedom in the truth. One of the most difficult things that I have learned to do is to stand in front of others and openly admit my wrongdoings. But, there was almost an immediate release. The truth is harder than a lie, but living in the truth is infinitely better.

    Although it’s easy for others to condemn and judge, no one is living your life but you. Thank you for being brave enough to share.

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  6. julesedison says:

    Thanks for clarifying. I didn’t want to obsess and go back through your blog. You definitely connected with many people with this blog. I’m glad you weren’t having contact at that time. Those lies of omission eat at you, don’t they? I’m happy for you and your wife and hope that you are finding communication to continue to flow. Best, Jules

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