Would I?

I get a lot of hypothetical questions starting with “Would you [blank] if [conditional statement]?” Here are the most common with my replies. I’ll add more as I see them.

“Would you have continued having the affair if you hadn’t been caught?”

Yes, I would have. I don’t know for how long. Scarlet and I talked the day before we were caught about how we should end it because we didn’t want to hurt our families. There were a few things (mostly romantic gestures) I wanted to do before we ended it, but after that I was content to end it. Realistically, I don’t think we could have stayed apart for long. We did love each other very much and even with exposure I struggled to make an end of things. The manner in which things ended was horrible but necessary, and as such I view it as a blessing.

“Would you resume the affair or have another if no one ever knew?”

This is a false choice. Someone always knows and usually other people find out too. I don’t think anyone compartmentalizes well enough that they can have a love affair (as opposed to just sex) and not have it suck time, energy, and love from your spouse. Even if you could, I know I am not capable of being pulled in two different directions like that again. Besides, it is wrong. It is betrayal even if your spouse doesn’t know. You can’t sin like that and expect it not to harm you in some way. So, no, I wouldn’t.

“Would you have left your wife if Scarlet had been willing to leave her husband?”

This is an easy but painful one. She did briefly leave her husband for me and I don’t doubt that she was willing to divorce him to be with me. However, I was always clear that I wasn’t going to leave my wife. I admit I fantasized about starting a new life with her. It was tempting, but I knew it was a mistake. Of course, I was going further and further down the rabbit hole, so who knows what I would have eventually done. I’m just glad it stopped when it did.

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3 Responses to Would I?

  1. chely5150 says:

    I guess what I don’t get is why? and who? did you make a point to state that you weren’t leaving your wife ? To Scarlet? Yourself? And if at the point you did love her, and she was willing to leave her husband can you say the reasons (or your thinking) on why you made that choice? I actually have a couple of other questions, but I think one at a time is a better than overload. Thanks for sharing your side of your story. It totally helps me see things from a different perspective and allows me to see and understand the bigger picture than just “me”, which I will adamantly say:
    IN NO WAY DO ANY OF MY COMMENTS INTEND TO INFER THAT I CONDONE OR APPROVE OF AFFAIRS AT ALL. But what I get is that there are “PEOPLE, living breathing people” (even those cheaters that brag and abuse are human -barely but, human none the less.)

    Like

    • Anonyman says:

      Eh, it’s complicated…

      I was clear with myself and with Scarlet that I didn’t want to leave my wife. The affair didn’t happen because I was looking to replace my wife, it just sort of happened through a chain of bad decisions at the end of which was me loving two women at the same time.

      I didn’t want to leave my wife because we were a family. I didn’t want to leave her because even though I loved Scarlet, I loved my wife, too. I knew deep down that despite the connection I had with Scarlet, my connection with my wife was even deeper. Even though we were in a bad place, even before D-day or the affair, I knew my wife was worth fighting for. As messed up as it sounds, I loved her enough not to leave her even though I was having an affair. We had been through too much, shared too much to just throw it all away. It sounds crazy to me now because that’s what I was doing with the affair, but that is how I felt at the time.

      Looking back, I’m so glad I decided not to leave my wife. I was half crazy back then (okay more than I am now) but at least I wasn’t crazy enough to leave my wife.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh man I tell you just when I think I’m in a good place I read Was it worth it? Then I’m pissed just because I can be. I’m basically drowning for a moment. I just sent M off with breakfast and lunch too.
    Because I asked M that time and time again was it worth it in the beginning months of madness after D-Day. crazy that it doesn’t really matter because back then it was worth it to him. Now.. not so much.
    And I used to get so angry at M because he’s the type of person who learns things the hard way. Who has to crush others to figure out using people is a bad idea.
    It’s difficult to see, because while it’s always been pretty clear for me apparently M came from a different school of hard knox and didn’t know having an affair is using people.
    He truly didn’t know, didn’t see..

    Which I didn’t believe him, so much of me still doesn’t. His AP was like a sister to me so it’s so much more damaging in more ways than one.

    But it’s interesting to read your point of view because I see M felt the same way about me. His went on for years, but he never wanted to leave me. I guess they joked about if they have the same feelings for each other after the kids move out. He said he wasn’t serious.

    I think she was. There was a time when we spoke I think she loved my husband. 2 years of playing with us both. I think she thought M loved her too and he did to a point. But she could never be me it’s crazy as I was so pissed off for a moment. God just revealed to me through reading your blog that in my eyes one of the worst parts is that it lasted for 2 years +. But in reading your “Would I?” It’s crazy but M did love her, but never enough to leave me.

    Maybe it’s the whole BS confident trip. I know I am clearly seeing my worth and value after this affair apart from M (still together). But that’s how awesome my ass is! Booyah M’s AP! as exciting as having sex with her was and however much he thought he loved her. It was never enough to leave me. I really want to say it’s because I’m that fucking awesome, but our family rocks.. seriously we bring some fun and laughter. There are 6 of us so it’s hard not too.

    In the beginning stages after D-day he has always been pretty adamant about never wanting to leave me. 5 months later same story. It’s a different story about the excitement it dwindled down after years went by, about what he thought was love, different aspects of the affair, how he regrets touching another woman and it makes him sick just thinking about it, he didn’t regret it a little while after D-Day so pissed me off.

    He says after being clear headed he does.

    Anyways this is fucking long, and I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure if M hadn’t had been caught they would of kept on until he got tired of her. It started to get that way in the end, I’m seeing that now because she sent her underwear to him in March one week on a business trip and then the week after he was supposed to go out of town and he wanted me to go. I didn’t want to go and she knew it. But M insisted so the family went. And I talked with her while I was there. A week later M & AP decide to call it quits again. She also called it quits in Feb month prior and had to come over to my house to do it while I was at our homeschool co-op. Yeah they screwed in our bed again and this nonsense continued.

    I think it was her way of reeling him in, and he still wanted her for sex I’m not denying he didn’t

    They called it off a few times during the affair seems like about 3-4 times. But he never left me, he never wanted to leave me. Two years with this chic coming over our house, being in my life, she was always mentioned always around. I mean if anything that could have only intensified their bond together but it didn’t.

    At one point during our conversations it seemed like she wanted to tell me they were in love. As if it wasn’t for me she could have him. Ahhh.. cheaters who play in decent marriages I’m not saying we were perfect, but we were decent and M’s AP picked up the slack M felt he didn’t get from me. We are opposites after all. She didn’t have majority of his heart, even after years of this going down.

    I guess one could say I’m seeing this because my husband is a liar, manipulator, and I’m falling for his bullshit once again. But I’ve given M hell, I really wanted to give him more but I really look bad in the color orange and I would terribly miss my babies. This guy still has weathered the storm.

    Also I’m understanding how to get through my pain. It still stings when he says certain things, or when I read certain blogs, but I can only equate this to an red ant bite (the sting not the whole affair). That it hurts like hell the first time, the next time you know it will hurt like hell and there are ways to make yourself feel better, times after that you can either make yourself feel better or are too lazy to get the itch cream, ice cube, whatever method, and just deal with the sting as if its no big deal.

    I am learning, I am growing, I don’t know if I’ve forgiven M. But I know I am personally feeling better about this whole situation. It will never be okay, I’m sure there’s alot of me that still fucking wants to fucking deck him and he knows that so I’m glad we are on the same page.

    Anyways I really wanted to thank you for your blog. Thanks for your honestly about your affair, selfishness and love for your wife, and family. At first it pissed me off, but I can look into my anger and see it for what it is now and I feel fucking stronger than I ever have before..

    But it’s early and it could be the coffee 🙂
    Thanks Isle seriously.. and again.. sorry this was so long.. I should’ve wrote my own space.

    Liked by 1 person

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